You Never Know Where You Stand With a Narcissist

4 min readFeb 8, 2019

One of the things that is most disturbing about a childhood spent with a narcissist, is never knowing where you stand with them.

Rules change

This means that rules change in a split second and goalposts are moved to suit the narcissist’s agenda.

Something will be found wanting should you ever achieve whatever target the narcissist set you.

It doesn’t suit them for you to achieve because they want you to continue striving for their love and approval.

Herein lies their power, they keep their love as a reward for your behaviour and make rules knowing that you will never be successful.

A narcissistic parent will seldom make their expectations known, instead, they expect you to read their mind.

This lack of clear communication means that there are endless possibilities for you to get it wrong and then face the disapproval of the narcissist.

Narcissists think everyone’s like them

Due to the narcissist’s extreme self-absorption, they don’t understand that not everyone thinks as they do, they expect that others will do as they expect, without having to communicate this.

Then they get angry, by raging or the silent treatment, when you can not read their mind, and don’t do as they wish.

Difficult to trust

When a parent is a narcissist, it is difficult for their child to trust them or anyone else.

They are not reliable or consistent in any aspect of their behaviour, and the child comes to believe this of other adults because frequently any adults involved with a narcissist are not examples of good and healthy behaviour.

It is only natural that this lack of trust for others continues into adulthood. It is a childhood wound that needs attention.

Father’s day

When I was a child, Father’s Day was approaching, and I asked my father what he would like.

His answer ‘don’t get me anything’, confused me a little. So, on the morning of Father’s Day, I hadn’t got him anything. Thinking that he didn’t want to be reminded of the day, I didn’t even wish him happy Father’s Day.

By the end of the day, his rage was palpable, his silence and coldness made it very clear. Unable to keep it to himself any longer he spat at me ‘you didn’t bother with a card or a present and couldn’t even be bothered to wish me happy Father’s Day’. He didn’t speak to me for about a week, and my mother told me he was very upset that I hadn’t made any effort.

Say one thing but mean another

This occasion was a turning point for me, I realised that my father may say one thing, but he meant another.

I learnt the hard way, he punished me as much as he could. After this point, I effectively took the opposite of everything he said, especially concerning gifts for him.

The more he insisted I didn’t get him anything, the bigger gift I bought him and the more fuss I made of him.

Of course, he was never pleased with my gifts, they were often put to one side and forgotten about, whether handmade or expensive. It didn’t matter what it was it was never good enough.

Only now do I realise that this pattern has followed me to adulthood.

I assume that people mean the opposite of what they say, especially if they are saying something nice about me.

I know that this is symptomatic of my childhood. It is a habit I learnt a long time ago, one that meant I wouldn’t be abandoned by my father and it saved me as a child, but certainly no longer serves me. It is something I have to work through.

No support from my mother

Whilst writing this blog, I am reflecting on my mother’s part in this.

I doubt that I was very old when this happened, so why wasn’t she involved in helping me get him a card and gift?

The answer, sadly, is that if I got the silent treatment from him, it meant that she didn’t. She was jealous that my father would, on occasions, appear to be affectionate with me, and if I didn’t get the affection she might gain.

A childhood spent with a narcissistic parent, means that all family members fight each other for the elusive love of the narcissist.

Siblings seek to win the favour of the narcissist, so competition is fierce.

Mothers or fathers turn against their own children for a scrap of the narcissist’s love and approval.

The only way to deal with a narcissist, is to not play their games.

Easier said than done when it is the habit of a lifetime, and you continue seeking their approval, but it is the only way that you can save yourself.

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