Why Some People Shouldn’t Have Children
This is not a subject that is comfortable for you to address.
No doubt it is making you feel fidgety as I say this.
Good.
I know that some people shouldn’t have children because I am the child of people who shouldn’t have had kids.
The perfect parent doesn’t exist. But one thing that is important about me is that I love my child.
This is not something I can say of my parents.
And that’s really sad, huh?
I have known this since I was young enough to understand the love I had received was conditional.
My favourite phrase at about 3 years old was:
‘I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it’.
This was a phrase that became a family joke and taught a child that only in serving others could she get acceptance and love.
My childhood was one of being materially provided for. Foreign holidays, new clothes, books, a car, university and most everything I ever wanted.
I lacked the most important thing,
LOVE.
The one thing that it is essential for a child to grow and develop into a confident, able and secure adult.
For my adult life, I struggled with anxiety, stress, depression and suicidal thoughts.
My relationship with my parents had always been difficult, troublesome and hard work.
I never understood why.
Then in October 2015, it happened.
The light-bulb moment.
I discovered about Narcissistic Personality Disorder after Googling ‘difficult mother’.
I had opened Pandora’s box and I could never go back to the life I had before.
It was the strangest feeling.
A mix of horror and elation.
I knew now EXACTLY the problem.
Which WASN’T me.
My parents had systematically sabotaged me at every attempt to grow into a confident, secure and able adult. Not through ignorance, or stupidity or lack of education but because of their own deep hatred of themselves.
I was their scapegoat
I was their scapegoat and they felt alive when they crushed me. They were thrilled when they destroyed my happiness and those tiny slivers of confidence I dared to show. It was their mission to keep me down, to destroy my spark. They laughed as I cried. They danced when I failed.
I knew something was off.
My parents would turn their back on me and abandon me if I ever displeased them enough.
From the cradle……
None of what they did was obvious, they never told me they didn’t love me.
It was all so subtle the ways they expressed their displeasure with me. They never called me names or insulted me. They never had to because they had much more powerful weapons at their disposal.
Body language, facial expressions, comparisons with others, insults hidden as concern, constantly undermining my confidence, the silent treatment, disapproval, lies, denial of the truth and blame for everything. The list goes on.
Fear, obligation and guilt
Fear, guilt and obligation were their tools of manipulation. I became their puppet, and they knew exactly how to pull my strings because they moulded me.
To my parents, nothing mattered but their image to outsiders. The perfect parents, working hard to provide for their children, my mother kept an immaculate home and baked for us. My father worked away at a high paying but difficult job.
I would have happily foregone the foreign holidays, and the clean house and home made meals for love.
Be aware that these people walk amongst us. They look like humans and wear human skins but lacking the ability to BE human. They lack the ability to love and have empathy for others. Venting their hatred on their children.
I still love my parents.
Strange huh?
Even after over 2 years no contact I still love them.
They are hurt
They are hurt children themselves who suffered trauma that dis-abled their ability to love. I feel great pity for those sad, hurt, scared little children.
But their hurt does not give them the right to continue to abuse me and to treat my son as their new target for their abuse.
I’m speaking out and saying that having children is a privilege, not a right.
Not everyone should be capable of having children if they are having them to fulfil something for them. Having children for a scapegoat to punish, a golden child to adore and a lost child to ignore are not the reasons to procreate.
We screen people to adopt a dog from a refuge in my country but anyone can have a child subject only to their biological ability.
Is this right?
As a society are starting to open up and address sexual harassment, sexual and physical abuse of children and identifying sexual predators.
We are speaking out about uncomfortable subjects and it is time that we recognised that not all parents are loving and caring.
Millions of children who suffer in silence through their childhood.
These children grow into adults who blame themselves and suffer from anxiety, stress, reliance on drugs alcohol or food and suicidal thoughts.
Their parents emotionally abuse them and stifle their growth as children. This abuse leaves no bruises, or cuts but leaves deep psychological scars.
There needs to be more love in the world. And this is why I am here.
I refuse to be silent about this.
If no-one else will speak then I will be the one that does.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on February 1, 2018.