Why Doesn’t My Sibling Believe That Our Parent is a Narcissist?
The narcissistic family set-up is toxic in many ways.
Each family member revolves around the narcissist. The narcissist is the centre of the family and only their needs and desires matter.
Sadly, in a narcissistic family, siblings are pitched against each other.
The narcissist manipulates each family member to be against each other. They control everything within the toxic family set up, this includes their partner.
Every member of the family is fighting for survival.
The family know that they have to keep the narcissist stable, because they fear being abandoned by the narcissist. They know that they won’t survive if they are abandoned.
The narcissist sets up the family to be in competition for their ‘love’.
This love is only reserved for one family member at a time.
It is not true unconditional love, because a narcissist is incapable of forging that depth of connection. They are too selfish, entitled and self-absorbed.
‘Love’ from the narcissist is positive attention and financial/material rewards. Most importantly for the family members, this ‘love’ means that they are less likely to abandoned by the narcissist.
However, this ‘love’ can be short lived.
As soon as another child does something that pleases the narcissist the ‘love’ is transferred to them. Anything that boosters the narcissist’s ego or image will be rewarded.
Or it could be that the favoured child does something to displease the narcissist. This could be a slight to the narcissist’s very fragile and sensitive ego, or something that tarnishes their image. The child may not even be aware of whatever it was they did wrong.
Narcissists are very, very sensitive and easily offended.
Each family member has a role to fulfil to the narcissist. This role can change temporarily, but its only temporary.
A narcissist needs a scapegoat, someone to take all their abuse and blame for everything.
When the narcissist sees their scapegoat, they don’t see the actual child. They see all their bad bits, their faults and flaws. They abuse the scapegoat because it provides some temporary relief for them from their bad side.
To provide a contrast they have a golden child.
The golden child can do no wrong and appears to get the narcissists love and attention and material possessions or money.
What the narcissist sees in their golden child, is the good bits of themselves.
The things that they are proud of. They reward this child. This is even though these things that they see may not be the truth about this child.
These roles are not permanent.
The narcissist wants their entire family living in fear and wondering where they stand.
It makes them easier to manipulate and control if there is a lack of safety and security. The family members are much more likely to do as the narcissist wants if they are in fear.
Their roles shift because it keeps their family members focused on the narcissist and their erratic, illogical and unreasonable behaviour.
No-one wants the role of the scapegoat.
Once the scapegoat role is chosen by the narcissist, the whole family also abuses the scapegoat.
The other family members don’t want that role because they know it sucks, so they fight to keep the scapegoat close to the family.
The scapegoat is the truth-teller, the one who speaks the truth about the toxic family.
This is why the family will turn on the scapegoat.
Once the scapegoat speaks out against the abuse, the family rally around the narcissist to keep the narcissist as stable as possible.
The scapegoat is threatened, invalidated and called crazy (gaslighting) because the family don’t want the scapegoat to break free.
Not a single member of the narcissistic family cares about the experiences of the scapegoat.
Each family member will do whatever they can to reel the scapegoat back to their role. They will try guilt trips, reminding them of their obligation and make them afraid to try to get them back.
If the scapegoat tries to explain, the family will invalidate their experiences by lying, twisting things, altering reality and gas-lighting.
Not one family member will want to know or understand what the scapegoat has been through. Not even their other parent. Each family member is fighting for their survival and this is crisis point.
That’s not to say that the family are united and will help or support each other. They are each of them out for themselves. Each one is focused on survival and not taking on the scapegoat role.
Give up trying to convince your siblings.
You may have been raised in the same household, but their experiences are not the same as yours.
If you’re the scapegoat you would have taken the brunt of the narcissist’s abuse.
And this meant that your siblings and other parent didn’t take their abuse. They were protected by you, so they didn’t have it so bad.
They can’t validate you because they are caught up in the toxicity or are toxic themselves.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a generational problem.
The chances are that one of your siblings may be narcissistic themselves. The golden child is usually the one that becomes a narcissistic adult.
The only way to break the generational curse of narcissistic personality disorder is by cutting contact and healing from the abuse.
Your siblings won’t be convinced.
The more you try to convince them the more they will call you crazy to try and make you doubt yourself. If you doubt your reality, you are much more likely to come back and assume your former role as scapegoat.
The set up within the narcissistic family has been prepared for this moment.
Over the years, and for your siblings since birth, they have been conditioned on how to behave, should the scapegoat ever try to break free.
They will rally around and support the abuser.
The victim (scapegoat) will be isolated and alone. This makes them much more likely to go back to the family.
Confusion
Sometimes it’s really confusing because a sibling or your other parent seems to agree with you about the narcissistic parent.
However, this is a just a ruse.
It is just to make you think they are on your side and to confide in them.
However, they will use whatever you do or say, to make sure that you doubt yourself just enough to continue contact with the narcissist.
What to do
Understand that effectively your siblings, and other parent, have been brainwashed. It doesn’t matter what you do or say, you’ll not change their minds.
Focus your energy on you, and processing and healing from what you’ve been through.
It’s a grieving process, and sadly not just of your parents but also grieving your relationship with your siblings.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on March 22, 2022.