Why does the Narcissist’s Golden Child Get Upset with the Scapegoat?

7 min readMay 26, 2023

The first thing to mention is that the golden child doesn’t know that they are the golden child.

However, they do know that, as a rule, they are treated better than the scapegoat.

But that can change at any time and they know it.

They would have experienced short periods of being the narcissist’s scapegoat.

This would be whenever they displeased the narcissist or the scapegoat did something that looked good for the narcissist’s image. Then the scapegoat would be ‘rewarded’ with being treated like the golden child, but it would only be temporary.

The golden child will see the way that the scapegoat is treated for most of the time and not want that for themselves.

In order to maintain their role as golden child, they have to keep the scapegoat as the scapegoat. So they will lie, twist things, and exaggerate to get the scapegoat into trouble, so the narcissist’s wrath wouldn’t be focused on them.

The golden child will also use the scapegoat as a shield. If the scapegoat is getting the abuse, then the golden child is protected.

Siblings and even the other parent can have the golden child role in the narcissistic family.

So, the whole family, controlled by the narcissist, scapegoat the scapegoat.

It’s all about survival, even for the other parent.

Without the narcissist’s approval no-one feels that they are safe, so it becomes a competition between all the family members.

The narcissist’s ‘love’ is only for one person at a time and is conditional. Each family members feels terrified of not having the narcissist’s ‘love’.

I say ‘love’ because it is not real love, it is a tool the narcissist uses to abuse. They might express their ‘love’ as attention and praise, or as material possessions or money.

The set-up within the family is that the scapegoat is expected to take their abuse, but also to do everything for everyone else.

Everything falls to the scapegoat, especially as the narcissist gets older.

There is the presumption by everyone in the family, that the scapegoat will do everything for the narcissist, no matter what their personal situation.

Full-time care, chores or errands, unpaid, allowing the narcissist to live with them, or paying for their care, is all expected by the narcissist and the other family members.

The scapegoat might not even know that this is the unspoken arrangement, until the time comes when the narcissist needs more help.

Then the narcissist and the rest of the family will be angry if the scapegoat doesn’t take on that role.

The golden child doesn’t want to do anything for anyone else.

The chances are by this time they are adult and have followed in their narcissistic parent’s footsteps and are narcissistic themselves.

So, they are entitled, spoiled, selfish and have no compassion or care for anyone else.

They won’t care what it takes to get the scapegoat to do whatever they want. If they have to bully, threaten, lie or coerce, they don’t care as long as they don’t have to do anything.

The family will rally round, pressuring the scapegoat to do the caring for the narcissist.

They will gang up on the scapegoat, doing or saying whatever they have to to get the scapegoat to sacrifice themselves.

It won’t matter about the scapegoat’s family, financial, career or health situation. There is no excuse big enough for the family to change their mind about what they want.

No-one else would want the role of carer for the narcissist.

The narcissist gets worse as they age, their behaviour gets more open. They get more abusive, more jealous and vindictive, and more demanding of others’ attention and energy.

As they feel their health deteriorating, or the affects of old age, their ego feels bruised. And the poor scapegoat becomes the target for their increased wrath.

All of their demands are unreasonable, the scapegoat is expected to obey without question and immediately.

For the narcissist it is not about being cared for, it’s about power and control. And they relish what might be the last opportunities to have that kind of power and control over someone.

If the scapegoat can’t do whatever they want, the narcissist will threaten to tell other people about it. They will paint it as neglect by the scapegoat, and gossip about it to other people. Perhaps they report to the authorities that they are being abused by the scapegoat.

The golden child will still be hanging around, mainly to make sure that the scapegoat does as they are told by the narcissist.

If the scapegoat doesn’t, then between the narcissistic parent and the golden child, they will manipulate or threat the scapegoat into it.

The golden child might also be concerned that the scapegoat might gain financially from caring for the narcissist. They want to make sure that this doesn’t happen.

Once the narcissist mentions their will or any considerable demands on their finances the golden child will be concerned that they might lose out.

The golden child might even take over the narcissist’s care, but it’s only because in some way they or their family will gain.

The gain will be a financial one, so it might be that the narcissist pays for an extension on their golden child’s house, a new car, pays for the care they receive or benefits in the will. In some way the golden child, or their children, will benefit from it.

However, the scapegoat will have been expected to do it all with no financial gain, or even recompense for their expenses.

Siblings with a narcissistic parent are set up from a very young age to be in competition with each other.

It generally seems to be the golden child that feels this competition the most, they desperately want to win the narcissist’s ‘love’.

The scapegoat probably cares deeply and loves their whole family.

The narcissist sets up this competition and then fosters resentment, envy and even jealousy between their children.

They do this because then they can control their children.

Children without this control, could unite against the narcissist. And there’s no way that the narcissist wants that!

When this is started from such a young age, and the narcissist lies, twists things, and exaggerates things and controls communication between their children, the damage goes deep.

Their children will never know the truth about each other, everything has been distorted to serve the narcissist’s agenda.

The scapegoat might get out, although it will mean that they are estranged from the whole of the toxic family.

The golden child doesn’t see how enmeshed with the toxicity they are.

In some ways the relationship with their narcissistic parent serves them, maybe they still look after their golden child well into adulthood, or they pay their bills. This dynamic keeps the golden child close, but it is not healthy.

That level of enmeshment is not good for the golden child. And the chances are, possibly because they feel that they are getting one up on the scapegoat, they won’t leave.

The golden child will fight, just like the other family members, to keep the scapegoat in that role.

It’s not about having a sibling, who they love and support, it’s about survival.

Although the golden child will never truly admit to themselves or anyone else, they feel uncertain and unsure of the narcissist’s love.

They feel not more secure and safe than the scapegoat, because the role has been taken from them often.

When they see the scapegoat getting the good treatment they are used to, they hate the scapegoat for it.

The scapegoat is blamed when it is the actions of the narcissist causing the issues.

Once a scapegoat has broken free of the toxic family, the golden child will want them back again.

The narcissist must have a scapegoat, and logically that role will transfer to another child, probably and golden child.

As the golden child has consistently felt the terrible treatment and abuse of the narcissist, they won’t like it.

However, instead of taking it up with the perpetrator of the abuse, the narcissist, they will want the scapegoat back.

So, it is inevitable that at some point the golden child will approach the scapegoat and try to manipulate them back into the family.

By this time, hopefully, the scapegoat has grown strong enough to be able to resist their attempts and will not allowed themselves to be reeled back in.

The golden child is never happy in that role because they know that it could be taken at any moment and to serve the narcissist.

It is the scapegoat that gets the brunt of the golden child’s anxiety and stress.

The golden child is also never happy because they never get what they think that they are entitled to.

Their own narcissistic personality disorder leads to their own misery, every time they realise that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Or when people don’t give the priority that they think they deserve.

The scapegoat represents the truth to the golden child, the truth about the toxicity of the narcissistic family. And the golden child resents them for it because of the threat that they pose to the toxic dynamic.

The golden child likes the dynamic, it serves them, and they fear the scapegoat ruining it for them.

As the nature of the narcissistic family is to blame someone, it is the scapegoat that is blamed for problems. But the real problem is the narcissist and their abuse of everyone in the family.

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