Why does no-one believe me?

This is the greatest challenge after you make the realisation about narcissistic personality disorder: trying to find validation from other people.

Of course, the first people you turn to are your family.

Afterall, they lived in the same house, so they are bound to be able to confirm your realisation. It will be the same for them, they will also finally understand the abuse you’ve all suffered.

However, it is rarely the case that your siblings, or even your other parent, will validate your experiences and your findings about narcissistic personality disorder.

The narcissist is the centre and priority of the family setup. The number one, to not only the children, but to the narcissist’s partner.

Every member of the family is focused on their own survival. And their survival is dependent on the narcissist.

The family setup is toxic.

In order to ensure their survival, the other family members will rally around the narcissist. This is an attempt to keep them stable, the more stable the narcissist, their greater chance of survival.

The scapegoat role is selected by the narcissist and backed up by the family. Each family member strives to makes sure that they are not the one that ends up with that position.

Each child within the family will have a different experience of the narcissist.

The scapegoat will be the target of all the narcissist’s venom and hate.

The golden child will be the object of all the narcissist’s ‘love’, their attention, affection and money.

The lost child will be ignored.

Each child is focused only on themselves and ensuring their survival.

This does not encourage caring and compassion towards their siblings between the children.

In fact, the narcissist does all that they can to create divide between their children, they foster competition, jealousy and even hatred.

The golden child doesn’t look at the scapegoat with compassion when the narcissist is abusing them. Instead, they do all they can to make sure that they won’t end up with that role.

Even their other parent, doesn’t treat the scapegoated child with love or compassion. Sadly, they are too focused on their own survival within the toxic dynamic.

The scapegoat feels the difference in the way that they are treated and doesn’t understand.

However, if they have the courage to question it, they are made to feel bad for it. Their shame keeps them silent.

So, if you approach a sibling after your discovery, you can not expect them to be supportive or caring. Or even give you the validation that you desire.

They have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo, that is YOU as scapegoat (NOT them).

Deep down, they believe you.

That’s what keeps them from validating you!

They’ve seen how you’ve been treated and they know that there’s a chance that they may be the next target. At times they would have experienced being the scapegoat and wouldn’t have liked it.

Having failed to get the validation you sought from your family, you try to find it elsewhere.

There must be someone who can confirm for you what you think? Right?

You reach out to extended family and family friends, in the hope that you can hear what you need to hear from them.

All these people are in contact with the narcissist and your family. That is the reason, why you won’t get the validation you need from them.

Anyone that choses to spend time with a narcissist, is either toxic themselves or has wounds from narcissistic abuse that are unrecognised and unhealed.

So, any one of these people you ask are possibly toxic themselves or are easily manipulable and controllable by a narcissist.

If you break free, you may realise their toxicity too, and start to tell people. Then their image will be doubted and questioned.

Their scapegoat may realise too and break free.

Perhaps they fear, like your family, that they may become the narcissist’s next scapegoat.

Whatever their reasons, these people also do not have your best interests at heart.

These people, too, have a vested interest in keeping you in your role with your narcissistic parent.

When you are born to a narcissistic parent, their family is also toxic. Narcissistic personality disorder is a generational problem and is passed down from parents to children until the cycle is broken.

There is a chance that the whole family are just as toxic as your narcissistic parent. This includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, all of them.

The family fractures when family members break free, these are the people whose reputations are harmed by the lies told about them or they are not spoken about at all. Contact with these people is actively discouraged, by the lies told about them.

These people know the truth and that makes them a threat, and this is why the narcissist and their flying monkeys lie about them.

It can appear, that it’s YOU that’s the problem.

It’s easy to think that it’s you that’s the issue here, after all you’ve been told so, or made to feel so for your whole life.

It’s the scapegoat’s role, to take the blame and feel responsible for everything.

The family and extended family and friends rally around the narcissist, making you doubt yourself even more. It seems impossible to believe that that many people could know about it and deny or ignore it.

However, this is the true toxicity of the narcissistic family. Everyone is tied in the toxicity in one way or another.

Having tried family and extended family and friends, it’s time to try other people, as you are still seeking confirmation of your discovery. You’re also looking for reassurance, if you’ve made the decision to distance yourself.

If you are fortunate, you’ve found good decent friends. Those who care about you, who listen to you and respect you. These people will validate your feelings. If they are old friends, they will be aware of the dynamic and not be very surprised at your discovery.

However, if you have continued in the pattern of narcissistic abuse, and attracted and been attracted by narcissistic friends, they will not validate you. Again, they have their own agenda for keeping you unaware of the true dynamic between you, and don’t want you breaking free.

Strangers will not understand, as a rule.

Sadly, narcissism has been normalised and diluted somewhat in some societies, so that it is not taken as seriously as it should be.

It’s become an insult to people, even abbreviated to ‘narc’ to lessen its impact.

Most people are entirely unaware of narcissistic personality disorder and the danger it poses.

Unfortunately, many mental health professionals are also unaware of narcissistic personality disorder and don’t understand the dynamics. They can then do a lot of damage as they guide their clients because of their own lack of understanding.

It’s hard to ask for help or support when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse. It feels incredibly vulnerable and scary to do so.

Many people suffer in silence and never reach out.

Some, however, do reach out but sometimes they are met with scorn.

Often people offering ‘support’ question that someone’s family member or partner is narcissistic. They say that only people diagnosed by a psychiatrist with narcissistic personality disorder have the disorder.

This is very invalidating and abusive.

This is exactly what you are up against, and this feeds into the delf-doubt that you are already feeling.

The people who say this when someone is reaching out for support are either narcissistic themselves or in complete denial of the wounds that they have themselves from narcissistic abuse.

At each stage of reaching out for support, from family, extended family, friends and to strangers in narcissistic abuse forums there is a chance that each time you will come up against narcissists.

With each failure to get the support that you need, it further increases the thought that ‘it must be me’.

It also greatly increases your chances of throwing yourself (and your children) into harms way by getting back into contact again. The self-doubt takes over everything.

I am writing this because if you are in the beginning stages of your discovery, or the start of no contact, I want you to:

The more you understand this, you are less likely to ignore your discovery, or to get back in contact with your narcissistic parent.

The more contact you have with your narcissistic parent, the more damage they can do. This is especially the case when it comes to your children.

At no stage, with your family, extended family or toxic friends will there be any concern about you.

The only things considered will be the narcissistic parent themselves, or the affect this situation is having on whoever is acting on their behalf (another narcissist).

This lack of concern about you, although sad, shows you all you need to know and understand about the people you are dealing with.

The difference between people’s words and actions show you everything you need to know.

I also want you to know that there is no-one that can validate your experiences.

No-one has had the experiences that you have had, and therefore no-one can truly validate you.

It’s easy to see the similarities in behaviour of narcissists. To see that there are different circumstances but the same drama.

Learning of other people’s experiences helps to validate you but no-one knows your parent like you do.

The chances are that your parent, and other family members will never be officially diagnosed by a mental health professional. People with narcissistic personality disorder do not seek help.

So, it’s really up to you to validate your own experiences.

Get in touch with that part of you that has known for years that things with them weren’t right.

Allow yourself to process enough so that you can truly recognise their treatment for what it was: abuse.

This is essential to the healing process, acknowledging their abuse, and allowing the feelings this acknowledgement brings about.

Continue to reach out for support and ignore those who display no care or compassion. Take from everything what serves you and leave what doesn’t.

Many people have suffered from narcissistic abuse and many of them are the most compassionate and caring people I know.

These are the people to gravitate towards and seek support from. They know, they understand and they will help you through your healing process.

If you need help breaking free from a narcissist, book my FREEDOM POWER hour

💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €

💖 https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/

For more information there is also:

😍 Patreon! 😍 Find out more here: https://www.patreon.com/clarelane

📖 I’m on Medium https://clarelane-comebackbrighter.medium.com/

👀 YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJGGrJYny9EwmmcOuIjmKGw

👂 My Google podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy80NmJlZmYzYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw

🔈 Apple podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-back-brighter/id1588224250

❓ Quora : https://www.quora.com/profile/Clare-Lane-12

✒️ Here are my blogs https://comebackbrighter.com/latest-blogs/

💻 More information on my website https://comebackbrighter.com/

💌 Or contact me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com

You are not alone, Clare x

Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on April 19, 2022.