When The Narcissist Feels They Are Losing Control of You…..

6 min readMar 24, 2023

For narcissist relationships are all about having power and control. A huge part of this is their desire to win, at whatever the cost.

It’s not about having a mutually loving, caring and respectful relationship, which is probably what you are looking for.

So, you’ve got to the point when you can’t take it anymore.

You’ve tried everything you can think of, giving in, trying to talk about it, and it’s left you exhausted, frustrated, angry, sad and with no other options.

As much as you’ve tried, they’ve done nothing.

Anything you’ve suggested has been argued with, belittled or completely ignored.

You feel responsible for the problems, like there’s some way it can be sorted out but you’ve tried everything you can think of.

There’s no other option to think about, than just taking some time. You need it, you’re beyond the point of exhaustion.

Everything is going round and round in your mind.

There’s no rest from it, you’re distracted, got brain fog, unable to think about even the simplest things like what to eat. Not that you’re hungry, you feel sick all the time.

They seem to be carrying on like normal, they can eat, concentrate and do what they need to do. They’re just carrying on like nothing’s happening.

Perhaps you leave, or they do, it doesn’t matter who leaves, but you’re left feeling devastated.

It’s more than just a row, it’s deeper than that and it feels like the end of the world.

You think with some time, you can think straight and work out what to do next. That magic thing or word, that fixes everything and gets you the person that you want. The one that you know they can be.

Perhaps they’ll miss you, and call you begging for you back and to work it all out.

Something has changed and you can’t quite work out what it is.

It’s just out of your grasp, but whatever it is feels monumental. Something’s broken, and you feel like it’s in your power to fix it.

As the days go by, perhaps you call or message them, but you don’t hear much from them. They don’t call or message you.

In a fit of desperation for them, you call, begging for them to come back. You vowed that you wouldn’t do that, but this is like torture.

Maybe they call back, but they’re distant and cold. Or they don’t call back at all.

Still, you blame yourself, going through all the things you think you did wrong. Making bargains with yourself, how you’d do it all differently and then you wouldn’t be in this position.

You’re overwhelmed, your brain won’t stop, it’s like there’s an answer to it all and it’s just out of reach.

For every night you’ve been apart, you can’t sleep, and during the day you’re not yourself. You’re not able to rest, got to be doing things, everything takes a lot longer, and your work is suffering.

No-one understands if you’re lucky enough to have someone to shared with.

But, what if it’s not you?

This is the discard.

Having a relationship with a narcissist is a series of tests. They are constantly checking to see how far they can push you, take advantage of you, and abuse you.

Your boundaries are not respected, not because they are unreasonable, but because the narcissist loves to see if they can get away with it.

There’s no privacy, you’re accused of ridiculous things and you become very sensitive to their moods.

Every time they get away with disrespecting you or blaming you, they win. And then it’s just a matter of time to see how far they can push you.

Once the relationship reaches this point, you lose your appeal. Not because of you personally, but because you are no longer such an exciting challenge for the narcissist.

A narcissist loves the challenge of breaking others down.

But once they feel they’ve had a certain amount of success they’re off trying to find a new target. It might not be someone to replace the relationship role you had to them, but they’ll find someone who’ll take their abuse.

Once they’ve begun the discard, it’s too late. They’ve decided they can’t be bothered with you anymore.

That’s what’s changed: they’ve started to pull away from you. And once they have there’s no going back.

You think all this is in your control.

But it’s the narcissist who is calling all the shots.

They’ve moved on, because they’ll see the indicators of the end of your relationship and have their next someone lined up already.

They must have someone as their target for abuse.

For you, you love and care for them. You want a loving and caring relationship with them.

For them, they want a target for their vileness. Once you start to take a stand against them, even just a little bit, they lose interest.

It’s not about love for a narcissist, because sadly they are incapable of it. They lack the care and compassion for others, and the ability to consider anyone else.

So, it might be over for them, they’ve moved on already but they still have to win.

This is what they’ve done.

For the entire time you’ve known them, they’ve spread lies about you, to everyone that will listen.

There’s a false story about you, something possibly based on the truth, but exaggerated about. And this story makes you out to be the bad one.

They’ll speak to your family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances about you, usually sharing how difficult they have it because of your issues.

Sometimes they’ll spread these lies about you, to anyone that knows you even a little bit.

This is the smear campaign.

It’s a deliberate and systematic personal character assassination, started from your birth with narcissistic parents, and from the start of your relationship with a narcissistic partner.

Their aim: discredit you and isolate you.

Long before you get the chance the reveal the truth about them, they’ll have made you out to be the terrible one.

When the relationship ends, they ramp up the smear campaign against you.

Everyone that seemed to listen before, the narcissist will contact again. They’ve got to get their side of the story out before you do, to be believed and to confirm the other person’s allegiance.

As they’ve already done the damage, some people will believe them. These people will side with the narcissist.

It doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t listen. They’re completely reeled in by the narcissist.

So, as well as being utterly devasted, confused and very sad, you’re shattered by the reaction of those you thought cared about you.

All of you will want to fight this, to defend yourself, to try to get people to understand.

This is exactly what the narcissist wants because your reaction makes you look crazy to those people who believed them.

They don’t understand how you’ve been abused and mistreated, possibly they don’t care.

Your reaction feeds into the story that these people have been fed since the beginning of your relationship.

It confirms the twisted lies that the narcissist has told them about you.

So, whilst it feels wrong, the best thing to do is to complete ignore all of it. To carry on, as much as you can, with your head held high. Rise above it.

With time, the narcissists attentions will be focused elsewhere, especially if they feel that they’ve won over you.

This is the best-case scenario for you.

Refuse to be drawn into any of the dramas going on around the narcissist, even if they concern you.

For you, it’s best to focus on those people who don’t believe the narcissist, those not sucked in by their lies. These people know you the best and aren’t manipulated by the narcissist.

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