What To Expect When You Go No Contact

9 min readJul 13, 2021

This is a sketchy idea of what may happen when you go no contact.

A lot depends on the kind of narcissistic parent/person you are dealing with.

The two main differences are: the engulfing narcissist and the ignoring narcissist.

The engulfing narcissist is regularly in contact or someone you see a lot.

Often their contact will be too much, leaving you feeling that you just want some peace. Sometimes their calls or visits will be at inappropriate or undesirable times.

They will never respect your wishes regarding visits or calls, even if you do tell them. These are the boundaries that they will blatantly disrespect and ignore.

These narcissists get a lot from the constant contact. They use it to bolster their image as a good parent or grandparent. Perhaps they have few or no friends and they use their child to fill the spaces in their social calendar.

The ignoring narcissist, however, will probably just be silent.

These narcissists are not often in contact, unless you call them.

Perhaps in the past you’ve asked them to call, or show care or concern, but they’ve ignored it.

These narcissists, however, may be very heavily involved with a sibling’s life.

The contrast between how they treat their children is meant to be felt.

Some narcissists are a combination of the two depending on if you are temporarily given the golden child or scapegoat role.

The golden child, is showered with attention. Lots of contact and material possessions or money.

The scapegoat is blamed for everything and abused by the whole family.

The best thing is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Having said that, always be prepared for some kind of contact from either kind of narcissist.

If they are running out of their current supply (source of attention and energy), they will often approach old supply because it’s easier.

It’s difficult to give a time scale on this because a lot depends on the normal amount of time between contact.

Engulfing narcissist

No contact initiated without informing the narcissist

This can be following an argument, or just because you’ve realised about narcissistic personality disorder.

It’s quite likely that you’ve really struggled with the relationship for a very long time and no contact is the only option.

Often this starts because you are left with no other choice.

You’ve spoken to your narcissistic parent and other family members.

All they said was that the narcissist won’t change and it’s all up to you.

But it’s been years of trying and trying and you’re exhausted.

You’re out of options. You seem to be the only one making any effort here.

The narcissist will do very little to fix the relationship. Instead, messages will be sent via other family members (flying monkeys).

It becomes the choice to decide between continuing to take the abuse or walk away. The narcissist will have made it plain that they won’t change.

This will be the time when you’re still wrestling with the decision.

So, you decide to just be for a while. No action taken on your part to block anyone, yet.

Then after time passes, you receive a message or call from your narcissistic parent. It will depend on what is their favoured form of communication.

When you see it’s a message or voicemail from them, you feel scared. Your heart starts racing, your finger go numb, your stomach sinks or you feel breathless, etc.

Your immediate response was to get back to them straight away. It feels really strange not to respond.

This is when you are really feeling the pressure.

It’s decision time.

You ignore it.

The message was all about them, how they’re doing or how they feel after the row. There’s no real concern for you.

You ignore it.

You’re feeling quite angry, you kind of hoped for an apology or least an acknowledgement of what they’d put you through. And this has been the way it’s been forever.

Then you get another message or missed call. This time the message seems like they are concerned.

They mention you, ask you how you’re feeling and ask you why you didn’t respond to their last message.

Perhaps they ask you to contact them because they need you to confirm something for them. Maybe it’s to discuss your child’s up coming birthday or something else they can hold over you.

This is a kind of covert threat, you (or your child) won’t get this thing unless you contact me.

It could also be that someone in the family is ill or in hospital.

Anything to try to get you to contact them, preferably by phone. It’s much easier for them to manipulate you in a phone call.

This is when the narcissist is surprised.

The dynamic has shifted and they know it.

Perhaps previously you would always answer their call or respond to their message immediately. And then maybe wait weeks for them to get back to you.

Things will be quiet for a while.

Then the guilt-trips and anger will come out. They will call or message demanding to know why you are ignoring them.

There will be NO concern for you, it will all be about them and their feeling of losing control.

During all this time you will be wondering if you’re doing the right thing and living in fear of the phone ringing or a notification going off.

You will swing between relief that it’s all going to end and extreme self-doubt about your thoughts about their personality disorder.

Then they will recruit a flying monkey.

This could be anyone, another member of the family, a family friend or someone with a very tenuous link to you.

It could even be that they contact your partner or your child, hoping that they will do as they ask to reel you back into contact.

The most important thing for the narcissist is that the flying monkey does what they want.

The flying monkey may think they are doing a good thing, trying to reconnect family members. They may relish the drama involved, be toxic too or they may be seeking favour with the narcissist.

Sometimes this is someone you’ve not heard from in years.

Then a surprise message from them, all concerned about you, maybe mentioning your parent, maybe not.

DO NOT RESPOND.

Whatever you tell them will be reported back to the narcissist.

Ask yourself the following questions:

When did I last hear from this person?

If it’s been months or years, then the concern is not sincere! If it’s been months or years, if they suddenly care now they’re up to something. And that something won’t be for your benefit.

Are they in contact with the narcissist?

If they are in contact with the narcissist then you know what it’s all about. They’ve been recruited to get you back in contact with the narcissist.

Did I hear from this person before I dropped contact with the narcissist?

The flying monkeys will be recruited after you’ve started no contact. It’s not a coincidence that they are contacting you now. They’ve been put up to it.

CONCERN

Don’t be fooled by the concern.

It’s not sincere.

It’s a manipulation tactic to get you to contact them.

Once you contact them, it’s the go ahead for them to repeat the messages the narcissist has asked they pass on, or the chance to guilt-trip you into contact again.

The flying monkey does not give a crap about how you feel about it all.

They will show NO genuine concern for your feelings or situation. Their sole focus is the narcissist.

The flying monkey may try again if they don’t hear back from you. Expect the messages to get more and more guilt-tripping and manipulative as you refuse to respond.

The next step may be a letter or package for your child.

This will be addressed to them, with some sort of communication to them. You will not even be mentioned, nor the actual situation.

This shows the narcissist’s priority, your child.

A child provides a wonderful source of attention and energy for a narcissist.

Children are hugely appealing to a narcissist because they love them unquestioningly and are very easy to manipulate and have power and control over.

At no point in any communication, either from the narcissist, or their flying monkeys will there be any sincere or genuine love or care.

Narcissists are not capable of love, because they are too self-absorbed and don’t care about anyone else.

So, this will show through in all communications from them.

You may be looking for the love, or care and concern but it won’t be there.

Hopefully by this point you are realising the true toxicity of the narcissist.

Their behaviour will not reflect a genuine desire to change or fix the relationship.

All communications will be either blaming you or someone else for the situation, denied, made excuses for their behaviour or ignored. And this will be the case for the entirety of your no contact.

A narcissist will never acknowledge their responsibility for the situation. They will never sincerely apologise, tell you they love you, ask for forgiveness and change their behaviour.

Nothing they communicate to you will be to fix the relationship. It will be manipulation attempts, guilt-trips and reminding you of your obligation to them.

This won’t be the first time you’ve experienced something like this. There will have been many, many occasions when there’s been a row or unpleasantness and it was never truly sorted out to your satisfaction.

Do you realise that this behaviour, post contact being stopped, is highly abusive? Do you know that their behaviour validates you in your conclusion that they are toxic?

These are not the actions of loving and caring people who want and value a relationship.

Until you block all forms of communication from the narcissist and anyone you suspect may act on their behalf, you will not know the peace you need to heal.

This pattern could continue for years.

There could be months and months between times of contact. But it will always be the same from the narcissist or more likely from their flying monkeys, false concern, anger and manipulations.

Contact will be more likely around the holidays, birthdays or special annual events.

The narcissist hopes that you will be feeling vulnerable and much more likely to break your no contact.

As much as they try to contact you, they will never be able to express any genuine love or care.

It’s the logical way to fix things, however they don’t want to fix things, they want you back as you were.

However, they may act a little as if they care. But it will be fake, to manipulate you. Afterall dealing with a narcissist often means taking their actions and trying to put a good spin on them.

They will act as if you’re losing out, or your kids are. But if they never cared or made any effort before, what difference is there now?

It could be that the narcissist decides to pay you a visit. And the thought of it fills you with anxiety and dread.

So, plan for it.

Have a chat with those you live with and discuss a plan should it happen. Then everyone knows where they stand. Most especially your children, because they are much more likely to be manipulated into opening the door for their grandparents.

Come up with a code word for a surprise visit. Then everyone knows that their role is.

You do not have to open the door to them. It is NOT rude to ignore them, even if they’ve travelled hundreds of miles to your home. They were not invited by you!

This irregular contact from mainly flying monkeys could go on for years.

However, as time goes by, even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are getting stronger and healing.

With every moment of peace in no contact, you become more and more sure of your situation and the truth.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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