What To Expect From A Narcissist When You Distance Yourself
When you are starting to take steps to distance yourself from your narcissistic family members, then this is the time when you will see their true colours.
As soon as you don’t return their phone calls, or don’t see them whenever they want, they will know that things are changing.
A narcissist has to have power and control.
If you are taking steps to protect yourself they will know immediately that the dynamic is shifting.
As they feel they are losing control, they will do all they can to try to claw that control back.
The guilt trips
This is the time when they will remind you of their advanced age, and their imminent demise.
Or else when they mention that they were ill or are suffering from an illness. This could be a serious illness, but it could also be something they have exaggerated or even lied about to manipulate you.
Perhaps they tell you that they are going into hospital for tests, deliberately leaving it vague so that you get concerned.
Sometimes they will use someone else’s age or health status to try to guilt you.
These guilt trips are intended to remind you that you love and care about them. That you are concerned if they are ill.
Once you are feeling guilty, then you are much, much easier to manipulate back into full contact.
Then if the phone rings, or they want to see you, then you are likely to forget all the bad times you had with them and remember your concern for them.
To a narcissist the guilt trip is a pure manipulation, and once it works they get a rush knowing that they ‘won’ and got you to give up protecting yourself.
The flying monkeys
Narcissists are lazy.
They don’t want to do their own dirty work, so they will recruit others to do it for them.
These flying monkeys are likely to be the other members of your family.
The whole narcissistic family set up is to protect the narcissist and to keep them stable. This continues until a family member breaks free.
No-one in the family wants the role of the scapegoat, so they will do everything they can to keep the scapegoat in the family.
Some family members will also be looking to benefit by getting the scapegoat back, to win the narcissists’ favour.
This is the time when family members will start to rally around, to put the pressure on.
They will ALL use guilt-trips, along the same lines as the ones the narcissist uses, to try to reel you back in.
At no point, whether it be with the narcissist themselves or with the flying monkeys, will there be any concern for you.
It will all be about the narcissist and how they feel.
Your feelings will not matter to the narcissist or the flying monkeys. And if you start to talk about it, the narcissist/flying monkeys will invalidate you, lie, twist things or gas-light you.
The whole family is used to the dynamic, as it was, and were quite comfortable with it. The only thing that they want is everyone to go back to their old roles.
It becomes that you are ganged up on by the whole family, each one seeking to reel you back in.
The nature of narcissistic abuse is that we are taught to doubt ourselves and it leaves us vulnerable to abuse.
When it feels like you’re the only one, it can be easy to think that it’s YOU that’s the problem. Afterall the chances are that you are the scapegoat and you’ve always been told it was you anyway.
But this is the nature of the toxic family, they are all in on it.
Sadly, it is very rare, that either the other parent, or the siblings, are genuinely supportive and loving towards each other, or the scapegoat.
With the narcissist at the head of the family, controlling everyone, it is difficult for anyone to break free.
The obligation
With the inevitable guilt trips from the narcissist comes the feelings of obligation.
As scapegoat we are raised to consider only the narcissist. The narcissist expects this but so does the whole family.
You will feel responsible for the narcissist.
A narcissist makes the scapegoat feel that the scapegoat is to blame for the narcissist’s bad mood, health situation, social life, financial situation etc etc.
The scapegoat is made to feel it is their fault whenever there is something wrong with the narcissist.
This gives the narcissist a powerful position, because if you feel responsible, and the shame that comes with it, you are likely to do whatever you have to to try to relieve those feelings of shame. And that always mean that you will do whatever the narcissist wants you to do.
If you have a narcissistic parent, then you would have been parentified as a child, taken on the role of an adult and looked after your parent.
This continues, well into adulthood.
The obligation to your parent is a power manipulation tool for the narcissist.
The fact is, you are not responsible for your parent.
THEY are responsible for themselves.
If they are in any kind of distress or need any help it is up to them to find someone to help them.
It’s like a button that the narcissist knows that they can press at any time to get you back in line again, doing what they want.
Once they feel you distancing yourself, they will be pushing this button.
A narcissist will use their entire arsenal of manipulative tools to try to reel you back into your old role.
The fear
Deep at the core of the child of the narcissist is the fear that they will be abandoned.
As children we know that our very survival depends on the narcissist. Doing something serious enough to displease them could result in them abandoning us, and we will not survive.
Fear of abandonment is the most common childhood wound carried into adulthood by children of narcissists.
The narcissist exploits this fear, as they always have done.
It doesn’t matter if you are entirely independent from them as an adult. There is still the old wound, ever present, when it comes to your narcissistic parent.
So, this will also be something that they use.
Perhaps they are overt, when they feel you pulling away, and threaten you with being thrown out of the family.
Sometimes they will hint at walking away from you.
Or else maybe they punish you by giving you the silent treatment.
Each tactic will be to try to instil that fear in you and bring you back to your old role.
When you haven’t done the necessary healing, these tactics will work.
You are used to this treatment. It’s normal for you. It’s the way that things have always been.
Guilt trips, making you feel obligated and making you afraid are the patterns of your childhood.
What won’t they do?
A narcissist will never take responsibility for their actions.
They will never sincerely apologise.
And they will refuse to change their behaviour.
It doesn’t matter how many times you talk to them to try to get them to understand.
All you will be met with is denial, ignoring the issues, blaming you, twisting things, lies, gas-lighting and nonsense. And, of course, the inevitable drama and how upset they are at what you’ve done. The more people they can reel into the drama, the more attention for them.
These ‘conversations’ will leave you tied in knots, confused, frustrated, angry, disappointed, exhausted and sad.
A narcissist does not have the same agenda as you.
They have to ‘win’.
This could be the conversation when they demonstrate all their tactics to ensure that the issues are not addressed.
Or it could be that they have to ‘win’ by having complete control over you.
So, whilst you are trying to sort out this relationship, because the narcissist is important to you, it is only you that is trying. Of course, they won’t tell you that they have a different agenda, they want you to think that things can be sorted because it keeps you engaged with them.
The energy you invest in trying to sort the relationship is feeding the narcissist. They relish it.
You’ll be trying really hard, pouring yourself into it, and they’ll make no effort and enjoying that you are trying so hard.
There is no compromise with a narcissist. It is their way or no way.
They want you back in your old role, with the minimum effort.
They don’t want things to change, they created things the way they were and they liked it that way.
So it could be that you reach stalemate. You ask them to take responsibility, apologise and change whilst they refuse.
If you are distancing yourself now, prepare yourself.
It may not be now, but the narcissist will know things have changed. They will use all their tools to manipulate you back into your old role.
The flying monkeys will be recruited.
The chances are they’ve acted on their behalf before so you know who they are.
If you can, block the narcissist and anyone acting on their behalf. It’s going to be tough but believe me, the peace is essential for your processing and healing from the abuse.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on September 6, 2021.