What To Do If Your Partner Has Narcissistic Parents

Sometimes when we realise that our parent(s) have narcissistic personality disorder we discover that our partner’s parents are narcissistic too.

It could be something that brought you together, whether you were aware of it or not.

If you realise this it can be particularly challenging if you have taken the steps of no contact with your parents, which can lead to no contact with your other family members too.

A need to be free of toxicity is understandable, as can the desire to cut off contact from your partner’s parent too.

However, when it is your partner’s parents it can be challenging because your partner has to see the truth for themselves.

Be patient

If your partner has narcissistic parents, then you have to be patient. It is something that they have to see for themselves and then come to terms with.

The more you push, the less they will see it.

In asking them to see the truth, you are asking them to question their whole relationship with their parent.

They may suffer cognitive dissonance as they process the disparity between their beliefs about their parents and the reality.

It’s not up to you to force this shift.

As it is a very painful thing to process, you risk being treated as if you are to blame for it.

Remain calm, patient and understanding because this discovery rocks their world and is a huge thing to process.

Fear, obligation and guilt

Anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse, suffers from fear, obligation and guilt.

It is these things that keep us tied in with our parents for such a long time.

It is our fear of abandonment, stemming from our childhood, which means that we think that we can not survive without our parent even long into adulthood.

As narcissistic parents make us feel indebted to them, we feel an obligation to them and their needs. They are our priority, even over ourselves and our relationships.

From birth narcissistic parents make their children feel guilty for everything, in particular whenever they want something that the narcissist doesn’t. It is their principal manipulation tool.

It can take a very long time to see the abuse clearly.

Perhaps your partner has gone through your realisation about narcissistic personality disorder with you.

If they were with you when you went no contact, they lived that experience with you.

They would have witnessed what you went through, and the changes that you’ve made and become over time.

This is invaluable.

From this they know that you can survive the realisation and the no contact.

You are leading by example and this will make it easier for them.

Love and approval

A narcissist uses their child’s need and desire for love and approval as leverage to control.

It can often mean that the child is still striving for their parent’s love and approval well into adulthood.

The narcissist can not give love or approval and has no intention of doing so, because it keeps their child close to them and always striving. It means that the narcissist has complete power and control over their child.

It takes a long, long time to break the habit of a lifetime.

So, please be understanding because this is a fight that your partner has had with their parent since birth. A fight where the child is constantly trying and the narcissistic parent keeps it just out of reach.

There comes a point when a child of a narcissist realises the truth: that their constant desire and need for love and approval is the very thing that is keeping them toxically tied to their parent.

In this realisation is freedom, but it can take a while to get to full acceptance.

Boundaries

Personal boundaries

It is normal and natural to have different boundaries than your partner.

Just because your partner wants to see their parent doesn’t mean that you have to.

And you are not expecting them to choose between you or their parents. They are free to pursue a relationship with them if they want, but perhaps you choose not to.

The best way to handle this is to not make a fuss.

Reflect on your boundary and state it clearly whenever a situation occurs when this boundary is an issue.

Your partner may be surprised or even annoyed at the change.

Perhaps they relied on you (or your children) being present to make the time spent with their parents a little easier for them.

Whatever their reasoning, keep to your boundary.

This is even more important if you have children.

Effectively, until your partner can face the truth, it is up to you to protect your children.

This will mean that visits to and from, or phone calls may be restricted.

These boundaries will teach your children, that it’s ok for them to have boundaries too with family members and anyone. You are teaching by example.

It is a very important life lesson.

Narcissistic parents are narcissistic grandparents.

They can do horrific emotional damage to your children and to the relationship you have with your children.

Please do not underestimate this.

It’s an example for your partner too

The chances are as a child of narcissistic parents, your partner has never had boundaries, or they’ve been very weak.

By demonstrating boundaries, and the benefits to you and your children (and your partner too) you show how good it feels to have boundaries.

Without boundaries people feel resentful, put upon and frustrated.

With boundaries people feel safer, more comfortable and relaxed. And as a result healthy relationships are better, more relaxed and peaceful.

Don’t expect the narcissist to like the changes

A narcissist does not like a change in the dynamic of a relationship, especially as they are the ones usually with all the power and control.

So they will do all they can to try to break your boundary.

Protect your children

They may recruit your partner to put the pressure on you, especially when it comes to your children.

A child is the very best supply (attention) for a narcissistic parent or grandparent, so they will fight to get them back.

They may go direct to your children, if they are older or have their own phones.

This is a blatant disrespect of your boundary and shows the narcissist for exactly what they are.

You may have to consider blocking them from your children’s phones.

This is the time to be the loving, protective adult that you needed when you were a child. No matter the kick back from your kids, this action is protecting them and if they question you, that shows the results of having the relationship with a narcissistic grandparent.

Some children will be relieved for the break in relationship. These are the scapegoat children, just as your partner was probably the scapegoat, so are their children.

Other children may take some time to adjust.

With time (hopefully) your partner will begin to see the truth

There’s no guarantee that your partner will be happy with these new boundaries with their parents.

As narcissists have no respect for others’ boundaries and they will feel put out that the dynamic has changed.

They are used to calling the shots with your partner and have been used to your compliance to their demands too.

Things may get dramatic for a while, maybe you’ll be called unreasonable or selfish, or maybe there will be passive-aggressive digs for a while.

Stay firm.

With time your partner will experience the benefits of the boundaries, and some of the fear, obligation and guilt will clear.

Grey rock/medium chill technique

These are different names for the same thing.

Effectively grey rock and medium chill means a shift in the relationship to protect yourself or for your partner to protect themselves.

It means not reacting the drama, not divulging private or personal information and not giving the narcissist your energy or attention.

The narcissist won’t like it, they are used to being given the information from you they need to make you unhappy or to undermine you.

So, expect the narcissist will ramp up the drama. But stay firm, it will protect you (or your partner) in the long term.

Don’t badmouth your partner’s parents

Although it seems counter-intuitive it’s best not to talk about your partner’s narcissistic parents.

The more you speak about their parents, trying to point out their abusive behaviour, the more your partner may retreat and become angry with you. They may resent you for it, not everyone likes abusive behaviour being pointed out until they are ready to hear it.

If they chose to speak about it, then listen, and then say things to validate them, but do not offer your opinion on their behaviour. Ask them how it makes them feel.

The validation of their parents strange/insulting/hurtful behaviour is precious.

As is your validation of your partner’s feelings.

This is how the shift happens.

Bit by bit your partner starts to see how their parent’s behaviour makes them feel, sad, angry or frustrated etc.

Then as you demonstrate boundaries and are much more relaxed and comfortable because of these boundaries, your partner witnesses this.

Then one day, they start to put their feelings first.

Maybe they don’t want to see their parents, or they refuse to answer the phone because they acknowledge that their parent makes them feel bad.

Hopefully, this leads to boundaries and eventual no contact.

Time to change

A period of adjustment for you and your partner is normal after the realisation of narcissistic abuse.

It takes everyone a while to change and shift during this time.

This can be longer if the contact your partner has is limited already due to low contact or geographical distance.

It is important to say, however, that your partner could show small changes.

It could be something as simple as reluctance to visit as frequently or not taking their parent’s call every time.

What if they don’t begin to see the truth?

However, sometimes this period can go on for a long time with no changes in your partner’s behaviour.

Not only that but they pass on messages from their parents to you or expect you to break your boundaries for their or their parent’s comfort.

This could begin to have a detrimental affect on your relationship and could be the time to assess the situation.

There is the possibility that they are stuck in denial or that they are toxic themselves.

Your first priority has to be you and your children.

Keep the faith

As someone who has a partner with narcissistic parents, all this is written from my experiences.

Some of these things I did do, which worked and others I wish I had done.

I never thought he would see the truth.

But then a series of events lead to him seeing the truth more clearly than he ever had done.

His parents are dead now, so no contact was unnecessary, however he is facing the damage they did to him, their relationship and his relationship with his brother.

So, even if your partner’s parents are dead, your partner still needs healing.

Keep the faith that your partner will see the truth when they are ready but hope that they make you (and your children) a priority over their parents before the damage done is too great.

Being an example to someone else is the greatest lesson.

If you are no contact, then your partner will see your growth in confidence and strength, even if you can’t.

They will want a little piece of this!

What if you don’t have narcissistic parents?

It could be that you are in the fortunate position of not having narcissistic parents.

In that case greater understanding is required.

Your partner’s parents weren’t decent and loving people. They don’t care about their child(ren) or grandchild(ren).

If you start from this viewpoint perhaps it will help you understand your partner’s behaviour better.

Your partner doesn’t know what unconditional love is, they are used to their love being used against them to manipulate.

They don’t know acceptance for who they are, they only know parent(s) who constantly made them feel not enough and not worthy.

There could be little things that set them off, a gift, a word or an expression, and leave you confused and not understanding.

I have heard narcissistic abuse described as ‘death by a thousand cuts’, because its many, many, many little things that eroded at your partner’s sense of self and confidence since birth.

Have patience and validate how your partner feels. This is invaluable.

Show them what a healthy relationship with your parents looks like.

Don’t expect your partner to trust easily or quickly and don’t push them.

They’ve been betrayed in the deepest sense by those supposed to love and protect them.

With time, healthy behaviours and constant love your partner will come to see the truth.

I hope and pray that this helps you both, Clare x

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on March 2, 2021.