What is Most Important to a Narcissist?

There are the top priorities of a narcissist and may not be what you think they are.

Once you understand the priorities of a narcissist, then it helps you to better understand them. And, hopefully, to understand how they affect you.

The priorities of a narcissist are not the same as a normal person.

Most normal people are looking for love and connection with family members and friends and some sort of fulfilment in life.

This is NOT what a narcissist is looking for.

Other people’s attention and energy

A narcissist needs other people’s attention and energy, without it they fear they won’t survive.

When they get other people’s attention and energy, it validates them, makes them feel alive.

Without going into too much detail, I think that a lot of the trauma they suffered that caused their narcissistic personality disorder was because they felt unseen.

In most cases, their primary caregiver, did not have the emotional attachment to them, and it made them feel as if they didn’t exist. Their basic needs for love, and attention if they needed it, were ignored.

This leads to a desperation in a narcissist for validation from other people, that they do exist.

However, no matter how much attention they get from others, it will never be enough. That scar from their childhood remains because of the nature of narcissistic personality disorder they will never address it.

For those around a narcissist, there is constant drama.

No matter the circumstances, even if it doesn’t directly affect them, the narcissist will seek to profit from it.

Sometimes, the narcissist will stir things up between people.

They have a deep understanding of others, they know the dynamics, the resentments, the jealousies, between people. Then they use their knowledge, to create more drama between people. This could be within a work environment, in the home, or anywhere the narcissist is.

Once they’ve fired people up, using the weaknesses in their relationship dynamic, they just sit back and watch.

Knowing that they’ve caused the drama, is deeply satisfying to them.

A narcissist relishes causing trouble between people, they enjoy the hurt and pain they cause.

As they watch things unfold, they see how it all works out exactly as they planned.

It gives them a sense of superiority; they know other people’s weaknesses and exactly how to exploit them. They also feel superior because of their intelligence, or other people’s stupidity at being manipulated into this chaos by them.

Sometimes the narcissist becomes the centre of the drama and chaos.

Whenever the narcissist is the focus of the drama, they will use it to their advantage.

They will lie, twist things, exaggerate and re-write reality to serve themselves.

If they have a health scare, they will hint at, or outright claim, they are very ill. When they are ill, they know that other people will be deeply concerned and afraid for them. This gives them the ideal opportunity for the maximum amount of attention and energy from other people.

Narcissists see other people’s love for them as a weakness.

They relish seeing that others care because it makes them feel powerful.

They don’t care about anyone, they are incapable of it, it is beneath them. So, when they see others care, it makes them feel superior. That person has a connection with the narcissist, that the narcissist does not have with them.

When the love only goes one way, that emotional connection gives the narcissist power and control. They use that love against the other person.

A narcissist can pretend to care, but only when they are going to gain in some way. It seems like they can turn it on and off like a tap. However, it’s not that they turn it off and on, it’s that they can act like they care but just for a little while.

This pretence at caring, is only to keep people close.

If the narcissist feels people pulling away, they will put on this act. It reels people back into the relationship again.

There is a cycle, the cycle of abuse, and this act is a part of it.

If a narcissist were their true selves all the time, they would have no-one. And, as previously mentioned, this lack of attention and energy from others feels like death to a narcissist. So, they can pretend, because it keeps people close to them.

When the drama concerns other people, the narcissist twists it to make it all about them.

A narcissist sees other people getting attention as taking that attention from them.

It’s never about the actual circumstances, and how much that person needs help and support. That person doesn’t see it as attention and energy, they see it as a life crisis and needing other people’s help during a difficult time.

The bigger the crisis, the more jealous the narcissist becomes about someone else taking ‘their’ limelight.

And the bigger the crisis, the greater opportunity for the narcissist to get a big fix of their need for attention and energy from other people.

So, it becomes about how the crisis affects the narcissist. No matter how tenuous, or even ridiculous the reasons, the narcissist elbows their way into the centre of it all.

The real sufferer often ends up supporting the narcissist instead of getting the support that they need.

Other people often rally around the narcissist, completely sucked in by the narcissist’s lies and deceptions, so the real sufferer is ignored.

The narcissist is NEVER sincerely affected by the situation.

They simply don’t care enough about other people to care. However, they know how to act as if they care and are concerned. But there is a lack of true emotional depth to them, no sincerity.

Other people are just the narcissists’ puppets, to serve them, make them feel better than or to provide their sick entertainment.

It doesn’t matter what relationship the other person has to the narcissist; all that matter is that the narcissist gets the attention and energy that they want.

In fact, a child of a narcissist, is a great source of attention and energy for a narcissist. The deeper the emotional connection the child has to their parent, the greater opportunities for the narcissist to cause pain and hurt.

To the narcissist it is all a game, with one sole aim, getting the maximum attention and energy from others.

Their image

As a narcissist lacks any depth, no true morals and zero sincerely held beliefs, they rely instead on their image.

They are fake and shallow.

Their lack of substance is because they lack the ability to be self-aware, to look deep inside themselves. As far as they are concerned, they ARE their image and that’s all there is to them.

Of course, they also understand, that in a society, there are norms and expectations. If these are not met, they fear they will not be accepted, and they’ll have no-one.

So, they carefully craft their image. And it affects every choice that they make, everything that they do.

This image has to be maintained, and the narcissist will fight to keep it.

Whatever the narcissist places importance on becomes their image.

These things they value, will be very shallow, very superficial and not about their character or the type of person they are. It will be about things like money, their intelligence or their roles in life.

In supporting their image, they will recruit other people to prop it up. Their friends, acquaintances and colleagues will have to reflect well in some way on their image.

A narcissistic mother, for example, will surround herself, and be herself, as much as part of her child’s life as she can be.

It’s not about being a good mother though, sadly, it’s all about having the appearance of being a good mother.

There’s no depth there.

So, whilst she thinks that she looks good as a mother, the truth is that her child will be neglected. If the child is lucky, their basic needs are met, but their needs for love and support will never be.

However, the child is expected to perpetuate the image of her narcissistic mother as a good mother.

If the child does not reflect well on the narcissistic mother’s image, the child is punished by being ignored, the silent treatment, or by a bout of rage and angry shouting. This is how the scapegoat is treated.

Should, however, the child reflect well on the narcissist’s image, then they are rewarded with attention, praise and maybe material possessions or money. The child becomes the golden child.

A child of a narcissistic parent soon learns what ‘earns’ them their narcissistic parent’s ‘love’.

As the focus of the narcissist is their image and all their energy goes on this, there is nothing for their child.

All that really matters to them is their image, the needs and wants of their child does not matter.

Some narcissistic parents do not value their image as a parent. These parents instead focus on whatever else is important to their image. Their neglect of their child is more obvious.

A narcissist will fight to preserve their image.

It’s all they have, it’s very important to them, because it gets them attention and energy from other people.

Every choice they make will be a decision about how that will affect their image.

If it’s favourable, backs up and boosts their image, then they will do it.

If it’s not, then there’s no way that they will do it.

So, whilst the narcissistic mother may boast about how many times she volunteers for her child’s groups, she complains about looking after them when they’re ill.

There’s no audience for the times when she gets up when her child is ill. She loses out on her sleep. She sees no benefit to her image in doing this, so she may refuse to look after her child.

Or else, she will tell everyone how much she looks after her child, expecting some sort of reward for it. She doesn’t see that this is what normal parents do, without the big announcement. She is using that for her image.

It’s all about people SEEING the narcissist doing things that boost their image.

Other people are required, the audience, for the narcissist’s one-person show. If there’s no-one, the narcissist is not interested.

The narcissist’s image is superficial and therefore not backed up by any true or deeply held beliefs or values. So, it can change, and it depends on how the narcissist thinks that they will benefit from it.

They seek to benefit by the maximum amount of attention and energy, that’s all that they are concerned about.

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