What is it like to be the Narcissist’s scapegoat?
If you are the narcissist’s scapegoat you are the constant target of their abuse.
You are the target of the narcissist
The narcissist will project onto you their faults and flaws. They do this because it makes them feel better, for just a moment.
Narcissists don’t see people, they see others as a reflection of themselves.
In their scapegoat when they look at them, they see reflected back all the things that they don’t like about themselves.
A narcissist will never admit to being the things that they project onto others, because they lack the self-awareness.
The more they dislike, or even hate, themselves the more abusive they will be to the scapegoat.
Sometimes you may believe the character traits projected onto you, these can become toxic and disempowering beliefs about yourself.
Often you may feel that the accusations are unjust.
So, you may feel angry, frustrated or confused when you are accused of these things.
This is the part of you that is aware that you are being abused, that these things are not the truth about you.
However, you will be ignored, mocked or raged at if you ever voiced these feelings of unfairness.
Within the toxic narcissistic family, your opinion or needs are not as important as the narcissist’s. Each family member will back up these toxic accusations of the narcissist, if you are the narcissist’s target then they aren’t.
Sometimes the narcissist will revel that you feel this way, it is a greater rush for them when they know they hurt you deeply with their actions.
You are blamed for everything
It doesn’t matter what happens, you will be blamed for it by the narcissist and the whole family.
You are the target for the wrath of the whole family.
The narcissist encourages this behaviour, they enjoy seeing their target being abused by other family members.
Sometimes you may feel that you are being blamed for something unfairly and this will make you feel angry, resentment and/ or that the family are united against you.
Your denial or defending yourself won’t make any difference.
The scapegoat’s role within the family is to take the blame, from whoever, without question.
This can make you feel very defensive around other people and feel a need to defend yourself sometimes without cause.
Often the narcissist will blame the scapegoat for the vile things that the narcissist has done.
Events will be twisted and lied about to make the scapegoat out to be the bad one.
And as the scapegoat has been consistently lied about, the scapegoat won’t be believed by anyone.
It is a huge smear campaign against the scapegoat carried out by the narcissist, encouraged by the family and spread out into the wider world.
Should the scapegoat ever speak out about the abuse, they won’t be believed by the people who believe the narcissist’s lies.
Being blamed constantly, leads to an increased need for fairness and justice. When it’s not something that has been your experience, it becomes important to you.
It can also mean a defensiveness with other people who you trust, because we can speak up. This can be in situations where the defensiveness seems disproportionate.
Sometimes the scapegoat can self-sabotage and perpetuate the behaviours they are accused of.
Other scapegoats feel the need to over-achieve to compensate for the behaviours they were blamed of.
You are shamed
To narcissist things are simple, they either love you or hate you.
As the scapegoat they hate you.
As far as the narcissist is concerned all the things that they unjustly accuse you of are an unchangeable part of your character.
If they call you a liar, then this is what you are to them and you can never change that.
All the accusations of the scapegoat child, becomes the self-belief ‘I am bad’.
They blame the very character of their child, which instils a deep sense of shame.
Shame is a very uncomfortable emotion, that often means we try to find ways to alleviate this, which can manifest as giving in to the narcissist or damaging coping mechanisms.
When the scapegoat deeply believes that they are ‘bad’ it makes them much easier to hurt or abuse. It makes them a greater target for the narcissist.
Healthy shame serves a purpose it is to make us aware when we have done something wrong.
However, for the scapegoat of a narcissist, it is a toxic shame which keeps us trapped with the narcissist.
Depending on your role to the narcissist, the ‘I am bad’ can extend to ‘I am a bad daughter/son’ or ‘I am a bad sister/brother’.
Being consistently made to feel bad about yourself and the shame that it provokes, can make us very vulnerable to the narcissist.
You are much more likely to compromise yourself, to try to alleviate those feelings of shame, and give the narcissist that power and control over you.
Shame can provoke a trauma response.
This is the fight trauma response when shame can provokes people to lash out, to try to cope with the feeling.
It causes people to conceal their feelings or avoid being the centre of attention. They go inward to try to make themselves more comfortable with their shame. When they shut down this is the freeze trauma response
When people want to run and hide away or isolate themselves, this is the flight response.
Sometimes people will try to avoid the conflict that caused their shame, by apologising, crying or other behaviours to ensure that they are safe. When they will do what they have to to stablise the other person, this is the fawn response.
You are a people-pleaser
Having a lack of self-worth because of the consistent and unrelenting abuse of the narcissist and the toxic family leaves the scapegoat vulnerable.
As the scapegoat has no self-worth, they seek their sense of value from other people.
The scapegoat seeks this first of all in the narcissist, and then their family members. However, they will never get the love and approval that they want.
This means that the scapegoat seeks their worth from other people.
You don’t know what you like or dislike.
You don’t feel that you know yourself.
You feel a lot of resentment because you are constantly compromising yourself for other people because you want to be liked.
The priority is to make yourself as amenable as possible to everyone. To be liked by everyone.
It is not an authentic way to live.
There is a fear of being disliked because of a deep fear of being abandoned, instilled by the narcissist, and taken through childhood into adulthood.
You find your worth through your partner or your friends.
However, as the child of a narcissist the chances are that your partner and friends are toxic too. They use your need for their approval and relationship/friendship against you too.
Sometimes this can lead to a crisis of self-doubt and depression as you realise how different your life is from what you imagined it would be.
This is because your life has not been your life.
It has been at the service and under the control of a toxic person, or toxic people. Not one of these people have wanted you to be happy, secure or to feel loved.
It’s not you, it’s narcissistic abuse
All of these things lead to feeling lonely, general and social anxiety, mistrustful, isolating yourself, lack of self-worth, self-doubt, catastrophising and the constant feeling that you’ve done something wrong.
You were selected by the narcissist because you are a highly sensitive person, someone that feels things deeply, an empath. Your sensitive nature made you a good target for the narcissists abuse.
It’s not your fault.
It was NEVER you.
A narcissist is a vile, twisted person with one mission: to cause maximum pain to other people.
You are not the things they accused you of.
You are not a bad person.
You are not a bad daughter/son or bad sister/brother.
You were unfortunate enough to be born to a narcissist parent.
It is possible to heal from all of this.
It starts with one step, taken with the willingness to heal, the need to feel better and the desire to fan that spark of hope into a flame.
One day, you will feel better.
One day you will have the love you deserve, first from yourself and then reflected back at you from those around you.
Just take it easy on yourself, this is a huge thing to process. Be kind and patient with yourself.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on November 2, 2021.