What Happens When You Try To Sort Out Issues With a Narcissist

6 min readMay 12, 2023

There comes a time when your relationship with a narcissist has issues that need to be addressed.

You are apprehensive about it, but your priority is to sort it out so that you can have the relationship that you want and need.

It’s not that big of a deal, but it bothers you.

So, when you feel the time is right you bring it up.

It might be when they are asking if there is something wrong, or just when you feel that they are most receptive and caring.

Then BOOM!

It comes out of nowhere. It:

· blindsides you

· leaves you reeling

· makes you wonder about your relationship

· you question if it’s your fault

· you feel sorry for the narcissist

· doubt what you thought

· and ask yourself if they care about you.

This was not the way it was supposed to go.

You thought you were going to have a mature, adult conversation about the issue that was bothering you.

Instead, it blew up in your face.

The issue you had is still unresolved.

But somehow, the fight is still going on, hours, days, weeks maybe even months later.

In fact, it’s become a long list of all the issues that THEY have with YOU. All the things you’ve ever done or said that hurt them, or made them suspicious, and things you’ve not done but they accuse you of.

Or, it became the ‘big reveal’, when they told you something shocking and surprising that they’ve been through.

Whatever it was, it went from being about the problem that you had, to all about them.

The bigger the issue that you had with them, the bigger the fight, or the shock ‘big reveal’.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel so much like a fight, it’s more about the tactics of stonewalling (the refusal to discuss the issue) or the silent treatment. You’re more ignored than shouted at, but the result is the same, the issue is not dealt with.

You’re punished for trying to sort out the issue that you had.

So, the next time you’re less likely to bring anything up again. You know that it won’t get sorted, and the chaos that comes from it just isn’t worth it.

You push it to one side and continue to accept the behaviour that was the issue to you in the first place.

Then they do something else, and you just take it, again it’s not worth it.

The damage that ensued from your raising the issue to your relationship isn’t worth the risk.

For a moment, during it all, you doubted if they loved you and cared for you. It made you question everything about them, and your relationship.

It hurt. Badly.

You never want to feel like that again.

So, you continue putting it all to one side, ignoring the issues, hoping that it will all go away and everything will be fine again. That they’ll be the loving person that they were before.

It’s probably getting worse, but you’re reluctant to admit it to yourself. And you’ll never admit it to anyone else, it makes it too real. And that person might tell you to leave them.

You’re frustrated, angry and sad. Although you’re unlikely to admit it to yourself because it feels like you’re being unreasonable, selfish even.

They’ve been through a lot, and you’re making an issue out of something small in your relationship.

With the focus on them, especially what they’ve been through, you want to make them feel loved and cared for, respected, whatever it is that they claim they don’t feel.

But YOU want to feel like that.

A part of you resents that you are giving them what you want from them.

When you wanted to be heard, instead you had to hear them over and over again.

You had to hear all the things that they thought about you, all the issues that they had with you, real or made up.

You come to your own defence, fighting to be heard about their din. You didn’t do that, you’re not that, and you never said that. You’re not heard.

All that happens is that they get louder, you become worse and worse in their eyes. More and more people are dragged in to agree with them.

Or else, you had to hear about the trauma that they’d experienced. How they felt, how they dealt with it. You’re distracted, completely preoccupied with them and their pain.

Your focus is on making them feel your love and support.

They’ve never got any help with their trauma or issue and they’re not interested in it. Somehow, they’ve dealt with it, or so they think.

It might not be appropriate what they share with you, it’s so deeply traumatic, or it should be shared with a professional or at least one of their peers.

They dump it on you.

Perhaps a part of you doubts if it’s even true. There won’t be any way to check it out, it will concern people that are distant, you won’t feel able to ask or else they’re dead.

Whether it was a row or the ‘big reveal’, it was so huge, so distracting from the issue. But the issue still remains. It doesn’t go away.

For a while you may have been distracted but then the issue comes back again.

Maybe a little reminder it’s not been resolved when it happens again. The original issue remains unresolved and the number of issues increases.

What should have been a little chat, with both of you feeling heard, respected and loved, never happened.

Then it happens with all the issues you have. They start to increase and accumulate.

All those little things, become big, big things.

But you’ve learnt from the first and only time what happens when you want to sort out an issue.

You’re reluctant, but there comes a point when you just can’t keep quiet anymore.

It might be the number of issues, the times when you’ve felt unheard, disrespected or unloved. Or when someone else is affected, like your child or partner.

You know what is probably going to happen, but you just can’t take it anymore. It has to be addressed.

Just as thought it would go, it does.

It’s a pattern: every time you ask to be considered, it turns around and becomes all about them. And you end up consoling or comforting them when that’s what you want from them.

So, eventually, you realise that nothing is ever going to get sorted out to your satisfaction. You give up, recognising that this is the way it has to be and that they’re never going to change.

But, then one thing happens, often a tiny incident, and that is the breaking point.

You see, after so much time and patience and love for them, that it’ll never change. They are never going to take responsibility, apologise and change their behaviour.

Then it reaches the point when you either have to knowingly accept their bad and hurtful behaviour or walk away.

It has taken a lot to get to this point.

You’ve poured love and care into them.

All the things you’ve tried have made no difference.

There is no choice.

No contact is the only option.

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