What Does No Contact mean?
In brief, no contact means that no matter what the narcissist, or someone acting on their behalf does, you do not have any communication with them.
For many years, even decades perhaps, you have been conditioned to only consider the narcissist. And that makes no contact, and the inevitable fear, obligation and guilt, very difficult to endure.
Those feeling are so uncomfortable and you are so used to bowing down to the narcissist, that the beginning days of no contact feel like torture.
It’s so confusing too, because the self-doubt creeps in.
What if it IS all your fault?
Perhaps they are not a narcissist?
They do some things that show they care, maybe they do love me?
The combination of the self-doubt and fear, obligation and guilt are huge things to tackle. And each one, even on its own, means that you are much more likely to break your no contact.
It is the mission of both the narcissist, and those people acting on their behalf to break you, by using your self-doubt, fear, obligation and guilt.
It’s probably worked before.
The good news is that, although it’s very tough at the beginning, it does get easier.
As you start to realise the benefits of the peace and calmness of no contact, this supersedes those uncomfortable feelings. And the more space you have, the more important that peace becomes to you.
Every day free of their abuse you are getting stronger, although it certainly does not feel like it.
Those manipulations attempts won’t be as powerful or set you back so much over time.
Should the narcissist, or someone acting on their behalf, call you you are under no obligation to either take the call, or call them back.
They may leave a message, with guilt trips and manipulations, or no message at all. They hope, in either case, you feel the pressure to get back to them.
It’s all about them calling the shots and controlling you.
Their call, or message, will not be about trying to sort out the relationship, or messages of love.
For a narcissist, it’s all about power and control. And these calls, are a part of their scrabbling to reassert their power and control over you.
The narcissist knows that your most vulnerable time is at the beginning of no contact, and then at birthdays and other significant dates.
These are the times when you are most likely to hear from them.
They hope, that contacting you at these times, that you are susceptible to their manipulations and you’ll be reeled back in. Their actions are not to fix the relationship, but so you assume your old role, probably the scapegoat.
The calls may increase, especially if you completely ignore them. This is to make you feel the pressure even more.
It’s hard, especially at the start, not to fall into that fear obligation and guilt and pick up the phone.
It’s really uncomfortable, knowing that you may be displeasing the narcissist. These uncomfortable feelings, you would usually avoid by just giving in to the narcissist. Giving in to them, whatever the consequences, feels easier.
This is how the narcissist has manipulated you, by provoking those feelings, until you concede and do whatever they want.
It’s a pattern, a well- established pattern of behaviour, one that you might have been doing for years. Once you try to change it, at first it’s bound to feel very uncomfortable. But over time, the benefits to you overcome those fading uncomfortable feelings.
If the narcissist, or someone acting on their behalf, messages you there is no rush to get back to them.
Of course, they will make it seem like an emergency, someone is ill, they are going to get rid of something you value, they don’t understand your silence, blah blah blah, and demand an immediate response.
This is to get you to react before you’ve really considered what it best for you. Then you go into your old response of considering only the narcissist and are much more likely to contact them. Then they’ve got you.
So, for at least 24 hours do nothing.
There’s a huge chance that they won’t leave you alone in this time. They’re panicking because you’re not behaving in the way that they presumed you would.
They expected an immediate reaction because this is how you have behaved previously. When you don’t react as they predicted, then they get anxious, this is NOT how they thought things were going to go.
During this delay, might be the time when they really show who they are, as they get more desperate. The messages may become even more pressured, demanding an immediate response, or they may start to try other tactics.
See my video The tactics a narcissist uses to get you back….
Whatever they are doing, leave them to it and don’t respond.
If it’s particularly distressing for you, then either turn off your phone or stop the messages getting through or consider blocking them.
This is a test for you.
The narcissist wants to know that you will just fit back into your old dynamic.
But I expect that you’ve had enough of it, that’s why you went no contact!
Then, hopefully in a bit of peace, make a decision about what to do.
If you contact them, even after the 24 hours, then they know that their pressure tactics worked. So, they’ll do it again, it worked once and they presume it’ll work again.
It can set you back.
Once you’ve contacted them, they will be their old selves. Nothing will have changed.
A narcissist will never take responsibility for their actions, apologise, ask for forgiveness or change.
Sometimes you need this last time, just to confirm for absolute certain what you already knew.
Then, in some ways, you feel you are back to what you were at the very beginning of no contact. However, this is not true, because you gave them just one more chance, and their behaviour validated your actions.
Sometimes if a narcissist feels that their attempts at calling or sending messages aren’t getting through, they’ll send something.
It might be a letter or a card, usually around a birthday or other celebration.
Sometimes it’s for your child, sometimes for you.
The contents of this communication are like the messages they send or get others to pass on to you.
It could contain guilt trips, reminders of obligation, something to make you feel afraid, or expressing confusion about your silence, with excuses and defences given.
Or maybe they make no reference to anything, like everything is normal between you. Just a simple: Dear You, love them x.
One thing, it will never contain is an apology, a request for forgiveness or tell you that they will change their behaviour.
It’s just another way that they can try to reel you back in.
Again, these things are sent to remind you of your fear, obligation and guilt. It’s pure manipulation.
It’s best to get someone else to open them, and then they can tell you if there’s any pertinent information in there for you. Someone else can cut through the manipulations and tell you if there’s anything you need to know.
The things you need to know, sometimes they reveal their plans for a visit, or that they are going to send something else. It gives you a heads up. You don’t need to hear their manipulations or guilt trips.
It’s more than a letter or card to you, it’s a little bit of hope. Maybe there’ll be something inside that means that they care….
The packages are the same as the calls, messages and letters or cards. Just another way to remind you that they are there, and to hopefully provoke that fear obligation and guilt in you. Then you are open to their manipulations.
A package sent without requiring a signature, keep it, throw it, give away the contents, do whatever you want with it!
For a package requiring a signature, that’s more complicated. Check the sender details if you can, then if it’s from them, refuse the delivery.
It’s complicated because if you take delivery of the package, you’ve actively given permission to receive it. The narcissist will consider that a win.
For a narcissist it’s not about a package, it’s about winning.
It represents them being able to get you to do something that you didn’t want to do- they’ve manipulated you into it. Just like they did in all those ways when you were in contact with them.
Whatever you do, get someone else to check over the package. They can tell you what’s in there, if there’s a note or anything that you need to know.
Then you can decide what you’re going to do with it. It’s up to you.
It’s very important to check through the letters, cards or packages because there might be an indication that they intend to visit you or other information which may serve you.
Just because they turn up on your doorstep, however long their journey, doesn’t mean that you have to answer the door.
You are under NO obligation to answer the door.
This is important because it concerns everyone in the household.
It’s best to have this conversation with everyone you live with long before it’s a possibility, so everyone knows what to do. Plan what you’ll do, and it’ll help with your anxiety.
No contact means no contact, it means that you don’t answer the door to them.
Perhaps you worry about being rude, impolite, to them. So, I ask you: Do they worry about being rude or impolite to you?
It’s a big challenge if they knock on your door, the obligation and guilt is a real struggle.
I gently remind you, that you owe these people NOTHING. And that maintaining your peace, is much more beneficial to you and your healing process.
All of this can feel insurmountable, especially at the beginning of no contact.
As you struggle with the fear, obligation and guilt that has been drummed into you since birth or since the beginning of your relationship, it can feel overwhelming.
However, once you understand that you have been conditioned into feeling this way, by someone wanting to exploit and abuse you, it empowers you.
Habits are difficult to break, and the fear, obligation and guilt are long established habits, but it is possible to change them.
Remember through it all, that you getting free, and freeing your family members too, is a priority.
As you heal, the fear, obligation and guilt fades, as you really start to see the benefits to you of freedom.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on January 3, 2023.