What does Narcissistic Abuse Feel Like?

6 min readJul 28, 2023

Narcissistic abuse feels like you can never relax.

You never know where you stand with them.

You’re in a constant state of fear, but without being aware that that it what it is.

That fear is something you carry with you, wherever you go, even if you are not with them or have a life completely independent of them.

Without realising it they take over your mind, the negative voice telling you you’re too stupid, or incapable of doing something, or the fear when you have to make some tough decisions but don’t know how they will take it.

It’s a constant struggle trying to do something that will finally earn you their love and approval.

If you do something you think they’ll reward you with that love and approval, but somehow it never happens. They find something wrong with it, this has been the habit of your entire lifetime.

Their mood dictates everything.

If they’re in a good mood, you can relax, just a little bit. But you’re still watchful making sure you don’t say something that upsets them.

When they’re in a bad mood, it’s like that dark cloud hangs over you too. And anyone else that is there too.

It feels dangerous, and you want to do anything to change it so that they’re not so angry.

Sometimes they are rageful, shouting, furious, like a whirlwind comes up and turns your world upside down. Other times, they are silent, cold, don’t even look at you.

Whatever their reaction, you will never know what set them off. So you won’t be able to avoid it in the future.

When there are times when they’ve done something to hurt you, it’s up to you to take it. They don’t take responsibility, apologise or change their behaviour.

If you do address an issue with them, it blows up in your face. The row or unpleasantness can last months, and descend into all manner of accusations, blaming, excuses, and defences. It never gets resolved.

These are the worst times.

It’s like you’ve committed a crime, but no-one tells you what you are being charged with so you can’t defend yourself.

Sometimes the whole family, and family friends are reeled into it too.

Somehow, it manages to be all of them against you.

Family and friends come to you, asking to sort it out, with excuses or defence for the narcissist.

But no matter what you do, it makes NO difference.

Then it all calms down again, somehow the fragile peace is restored. It’s up to you to forgive and forget, however bad it got, but you can’t forget.

Then you’re waiting for the next time when it’s all going to blow up again.

With them, it’s constant drama. Perhaps you breathe a sigh of relief when it’s not targeted at you, but you know that it will be again.

Sometimes you do something and you’re rewarded with praise, attention, gifts or money.

But there are expectations from them, you will pay them back one day. And the repayment will be far, far more than their time or gift.

It’s never worth it.

But then they get angry, not overtly, but quietly, coldly, angry when you find another way to get the help you need from someone else.

You can’t win.

That typifies a relationship with a narcissist.

No matter what you do you will never win.

Whatever you do will never be good enough.

That’s how they get you constantly throwing your time and energy at them, by making everything not quite good enough.

So, you’re striving, continually working for something that will never happen.

At the root of it, is your need for their love and approval. Which is something that you’ve been trying to earn since you were a small child.

But they know this, and they know your need for it. They keep it just out of reach.

However, with other people they will appear to give their love and approval. It’s just you, that doesn’t deserve it, or can’t earn it.

With these other people, it might be other family members, friends, or even casual acquaintances, you might feel jealous of them. And compare yourself to them.

You’re supposed to, and to find that you come up short every time.

It’s deliberate.

You’re supposed to feel that it’s your fault, you’re to blame.

They hold you back, and you’re not even aware it. They sabotage you, they tell you overtly, and covertly, what you can’t or shouldn’t do, the people you should and shouldn’t spend your time with.

It’s their mission to keep you small, smaller than them. And then they can lord it over you.

They expect to come first EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

No matter what your other responsibilities are, they expect to be the only one to you. And if you don’t prioritise them, they’ll be angry.

You’re constantly being manipulated by them, but you have no clear idea that you are. They know exactly the right strings to pull, to get you to act without you even being aware.

They’re very clever, it’s all deniable, all couched in concern for you, or appearing to care for you.

They know your weaknesses and they exploit them for their gain.

If it’s not you that not good enough, it’ll be the things to do with you. Your job, car, house, partner, children, garden, clothes, size, everything is up for criticism.

Being with a narcissist is like torture.

It’s never relaxed, pleasant, enjoyable or fun.

Sometimes it might look like that, there might be people that look at you with them and think it. But you know the truth. It doesn’t go deep, and if there are moments when it’s ok, there are many, many more moments when it’s been really bad.

Whenever you see or hear from them you experience a peak of anxiety. Your mouth goes dry, your hands start to shake, and your feel a little sick.

If you see them, especially visiting you, you rush around cleaning everything trying to make it so they think your home is nice.

You could spend weeks, months or years renovating, redecorating or cleaning but they’ll find something to criticise, even if it’s just the colour you chose, or that it’s not as nice as someone else’s.

When you’re at their house, you can’t relax, and you don’t feel comfortable. You want to get out of there as soon as possible, but you feel obligated to stay.

A phone call from them, especially if you can’t take the call, sends you into a spin.

They’re going to be so angry if you don’t pick up, but you can’t.

Then it’s a rush to get back to them as soon as possible. When you speak to them, they respond, calmly, with some nonsense that wasn’t urgent. But to you it felt like the end of the world.

If you can’t get back to them as soon as possible, every second that ticks by you fear their rage. It feels like it gets bigger and bigger.

At times of celebration they are quiet, resentful, make nasty comments or create some sort of drama.

They are never genuinely pleased for you. In fact, them seem jealous, and often compare themselves to you, building themselves up so they are better than you.

It’s like a competition with you, one that you never entered, but are participating in without your realising it.

In difficult times, they are disinterested, appear to be supportive, or make it all about them. Even in your troubles, they had it worse!

Somehow it all comes back to them.

When they appear to supportive, it doesn’t feel like real support. It’s because they are either sabotaging you with their advice, or because they want a front row seat to witness your misery and suffering.

They might say the right things to you, like they’ll support you, but they never have.

Everything and everyone will be more important than you, if you reach out to them for any help.

If you dare to be upset they’re not supporting you, you’re unreasonable, selfish, inconsiderate, being a drama queen, being over sensitive, reading too much into it or making demands.

If this sounds like what you are experiencing, please free yourself.

https://comebackbrighter.com/2023/07/25/what-does-narcissistic-abuse-feel-like/

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