What Does It Take To Decide To Cut Contact And Be Free?
There is not a single client or fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse I have spoken to that made the decision to go no contact on a whim.
Each and every single one of them was pushed to the point where they had no choice.
Over the years, possibly decades, there would have been many occasions when you would have seen a pattern of the behaviour of your narcissistic parent and family.
As a child you would have experienced instances when you needed support, but your narcissistic parent and family weren’t there.
Instead, they could have made the whole situation worse, by making it all about them, and expecting you to support them. Or they didn’t believe you, and you became labelled a liar, dramatic or over-sensitive.
You found ways to cope, perhaps relying on friends or doing it completely on your own.
Maybe there could have been support from other adults, teachers, counsellors, friend’s parents or people in positions of authority, but you didn’t even think of asking them for help.
When you are suffering narcissistic abuse, it is easier to ignore, deny or conceal the bad times. Often there is such a long time period between these times that it is easy to put it to one side and move on.
However, these times are never resolved to your satisfaction.
The narcissist will never take responsibility for their actions, sincerely apologise or change their behaviour.
So, it’s really up to you to continue to allow their behaviour, no matter how detrimental it is to you (and your kids if they are involved).
The dynamic remains the same, which pleases the narcissist.
This setup was established from birth and encouraged and nurtured by the narcissist throughout your childhood.
It was also re-enforced by the narcissistic family setup.
As scapegoat, you are expected to take the narcissist’s abuse.
Not only that, but you are expected to feel guilty, ashamed and responsible for any bad situations. And like a bad daughter or son because of it.
What could have started out as you trying to sort an issue with the narcissist, something to make your relationship better for you, blows up.
It leaves you stunned, shocked and floored the first few times. Things took a turn that you certainly never expected.
But over time these emotions change, because it becomes normal so you learn to keep these things to yourself. It’s not worth the drama that is bound to come out of it.
Each and every time this happens, it leaves a mark. It slightly changes you.
As you become an adult and your life circumstances change, you find a partner, have children or are considering some big life changes like moving house then it all comes up again.
The narcissist has been contented with you taking the abuse that they believe you deserve as their scapegoat.
However, now you are an adult, and have other responsibilities than keeping the narcissist happy.
The narcissist will not be happy about this shift in dynamic, they will feel it deeply and resent it.
They will also feel the need to assert their position of power over you. They will test you, to see if you are still prioritising them.
This is the point of no return.
Often the actual circumstances that lead up to going no contact can seem petty or extreme. And because of this you feel that you have to justify your actions to other people.
But the situation does not consider the years and years of abusive incidences that you’ve endured.
The times when you were dumbfounded by the reaction of your narcissistic parent, at the level of drama and crap that came out of it.
The occasions when you kept your mouth shut and didn’t raise the issues that you wanted to.
And the many, many incidences when you had to ignore their behaviour and try to forget about it so your relationship could continue.
The narcissist will not consider any change in the dynamic acceptable.
It is their way or no way.
The more you insist that they take responsibility, apologise or change, the stronger they get in their resolve.
So, it becomes a battle between you.
The narcissist is fighting for the old dynamic where they could treat you exactly how they wanted to. They want their scapegoat, in their long-established role.
You are fighting for your parent to give a crap and to show it. You are fighting for the relationship that you want and need. The relationship you think it could be.
As your narcissistic parent has never taken responsibility, sincerely apologised or changed their behaviour in the many previous occasions there’s no reason to think that they will now.
This is what you realise, sad as it is, that they will never change.
So, if you continue a relationship with them, it has to be on their terms. And you have to accept however they will treat you.
But you’ve reached the point of no return, you won’t accept it anymore.
All those times when you suffered their drama over your problems with them, keep quiet or ignored their bad behaviour have cumulated in this point.
It’s not about what it seems to be, it’s about finally realising that the scapegoat dynamic is no longer acceptable to you.
That you would rather have no relationship than one where you are used and abused.
If you need help breaking free from a narcissist, book my FREEDOM POWER hour
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If you need help breaking free from a narcissist, book my FREEDOM POWER hour
💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €
💖 https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on March 29, 2022.