What are the Signs of a Toxic Parent?

5 min readDec 9, 2022

For the purposes of this blog I will refer to a toxic parent, in particular a parent who has narcissistic personality disorder.

All about them

A narcissistic parent makes everything about them.

So, when it comes to their children, the narcissist will take over.

The wishes of their child won’t matter. All that matters is what the narcissist wants.

The child won’t even get a chance to talk about what they want or need, their input is not required. That’s even if the decision doesn’t affect the narcissist.

For a narcissist, their child is an extension of themselves. So, as the narcissist always gets what they want and deserve, so they feel the same about their children.

To deny the child is to hurt the narcissist’s fragile ego and threaten their entitlement.

So, the child’s needs and desires come second to the narcissist. Or, I should really say, don’t figure at all for the narcissist, because the narcissist is all consuming- there is no second.

Some narcissistic parents are the pushy, helicopter parents, who interfere with everything that their child does, for the power and control it gives them. Their child gives them a great deal of attention and energy, and so does their role as a parent.

Image as a parent

Being a narcissistic parent, who values their image as a parent, gives the narcissist a great deal of possibility for attention and energy.

There are many ways in which the narcissist profits from the needs of their children. Many more adults give the narcissistic parent attention, in schools, clubs, health settings, anything their child is involved with.

Other narcissists, who don’t value their image as a good parent, don’t bother with their children at all.

These children are left to get on with things on their own and neglected. Sometimes even their basic needs are not met.

These parents, value their image in different ways, than being a parent. It might be that they value their career, their social standing, their financial position or an addiction.

In either case, the narcissist’s image is more important that the needs of their child.

Narcissists are fake

A narcissist will be all things to all people.

Their values, interests and beliefs are fluid, and dependent upon who they are talking to.

If they respect that person, because they in some way boost their image or ego, they will appear to be a ‘nice’ person or complimentary.

If, however, they don’t respect that person because the narcissists feels that they are beneath them, then they will be vile, rude and ignoring.

This can also change very quickly, depending on the person’s situation.

Within the narcissistic family, this is the dynamic. The favoured one, the golden child, will be given all the attention and praise, the narcissist’s ‘love’ and the scapegoat getting all the abuse.

Something feels off with a narcissist

As the narcissist only values their image and not their actual function as a parent, they are very fake.

They know all the right things to say, but their actions show very differently. People feel this, narcissists can feel ‘off’.

They are over the top sometimes, excessive and exaggerated in their behaviours. They don’t quite know how to be, how a normal person acts, because they are not normal.

Narcissists lack the ability to form deep connections with other people, even with their own family members and children. This is because they don’t care about anyone and they are selfish and self-absorbed.

So, on occasions they have to seem like they care. And when they do, their act is based on how they’ve seen other people behave. It is an act because a narcissist does not sincerely care.

A narcissistic parent knows how to pretend to be a good parent, but it’s only an act.

Narcissists are not sincere

With a narcissist their agenda is to get the maximum amount of attention and energy from other people.

Their children are a great source of attention and energy for a narcissist.

Directly, their children seek the love and approval of the narcissistic parent, which gives the narcissist a great deal of power and control. They use this to manipulate their child and keep them always striving to achieve that love.

Indirectly, narcissists can use their children as a source of attention from other adults, teachers, health staff, people who run clubs, even other parents.

Sometimes the narcissist seeks attention and energy from others by causing trouble and creating drama.

It might happen when someone is ill because someone else is getting the attention and energy. Emotions are usually high around this time too, which is a greater opportunity for maximum drama.

Some narcissistic parents will exploit their child’s illness for attention for themselves.

Or it can happen when someone else is celebrating or happy. The narcissist is jealous and seeks to destroy the other person’s happiness and get the attention and energy for themselves.

With a narcissistic parent they are extremely jealous of their children, and competitive. When their child is happy, they want to destroy it.

Achievements will be commandeered by the narcissistic parent.

Some narcissistic parents will make it about the narcissist’s part in their child’s achievement. For example, how they contributed financially or how the child has their genes and intelligence.

Somehow, it will always come back to the narcissist. Bragging about their child too, they feel, reflects well on them.

Other narcissistic parents want to bring their child down because of their jealousy. For example, by claiming their child cheated, or by sabotaging their progress.

As these parents don’t want their child feeling superior to them, they tear them down.

Many narcissistic parents have unrealistic or unachievable demands of their children. They are only interested in the ways that their children reflect well on them.

A child may be further rejected because they are not successful in the eyes of their narcissistic parent. If there are few opportunities for the narcissist to brag, then they don’t feel their child and therefore they, are better than other people.

Other children may be pushed in a direction they are not interested in, because the narcissistic parent sees that it will benefit them.

For some children it makes them give up, they are not interested or not capable, so they give up on everything.

Other children will become high achievers, because they are seeking the love and approval of their narcissistic parent. These achievements will often be to the detriment of the child because of no work/life balance.

If you want to understand more, are asking about someone maybe having narcissistic personality disorder, please take my quiz.

Here is the link: