What are the Signs of a Flying Monkey?

5 min readMar 3, 2023

The flying monkeys are the people recruited to do the narcissists dirty work.

Most narcissists are lazy, and if there is a problem between you and them, they can’t be bothered to do anything about it. So, they send in their minions to try to get you back.

None of this is about trying to work out what the issue is, to fix the problem or to change things so that both sides feel respected and cared for.

It’s all about the narcissist trying to get you back into your old role, probably as the scapegoat, so that they can continue to mistreat you.

The biggest indicator that someone is a flying monkey is that they won’t care about your side of the story. They won’t want to hear it.

They have something they want to say, and they’re going to say it. Your contribution to the conversation is not required.

Effectively they’ve been sent with a message from the narcissist. It may not be the exact words or framed as a message from the narcissist but that’s what it is.

A flying monkey will completely invalidate you and your experiences.

They’ll make excuses, defend, argue and justify the narcissist’s behaviour.

No matter how despicable the narcissist’s behaviour, they’ll make it someone else’s fault, or just ignore it. Whatever suits them and their agenda the best.

You’ll never have a satisfactory explanation from the flying monkey.

They’re not there for you. They are there for the narcissist.

Together with invalidating you, they’ll also try to guilt you, make you feel obligated, or make you afraid of continuing the stand against the narcissist.

Anything you say will be met with an answer from them. Even if it makes no sense or is not the truth. They are fully trained and conditioned by the narcissist and focused only on them.

They don’t care about you being respected, cared for, or happy in the relationship with the narcissist. For them, it’s not about sorting out the issues, it’s about doing what the narcissist has sent them to do.

Their priority is the narcissist.

Of course, the narcissist doesn’t even have to ask them, all they’ve got to do is hint. It’s very subtle, the flying monkey doesn’t even see when they are being manipulated.

The people selected by the narcissist, are those that they know are completely sucked in by them. Those that blindly believe them, believe all the lies the narcissist has told about you and other people.

The flying monkey must be utterly controlled and easily manipulated by the narcissist, or else they may not do as the narcissist wants.

The narcissist has to trust that they will do what the narcissist wants, without question.

Of course, these flying monkeys have been trained and conditioned sometimes over years by the narcissist.

The narcissist will test them, see how much they can control them, how far they can take things with them.

It’s a gradual process. Over time the person will prove themselves to be a suitable flying monkey.

The narcissists biggest test, ensuring that they are the priority, no making sure that they are the only one.

The flying monkey can be anyone connected to the narcissist, a family member, a friend, a colleague etc.

It will be someone that knows you both, even just a little bit.

To the narcissist it doesn’t matter how much they know you, just that the narcissist can easily manipulate them.

They use the flying monkey.

They may start off with people they’ve worked on for a while and know that they can dominate easily. And then if these people don’t get through and have the desired effect, they will use other people.

These people will be close to the narcissist, and perhaps close to you too. It’ll be family members, or family friends.

Contact may come from a friend you’ve not heard from in a long time, or an ex-colleague.

This is when the narcissist is getting desperate, their previous attempts have failed. Then they reach out with a sob story to anyone that may be willing to listen.

The flying monkey may act on the narcissist’s behalf because they are narcissistic themselves.

They relish the drama of being involved with the narcissist. The more attention they can get themselves, the better for them.

These people care neither for the narcissist or for you, they care only about what they are getting from the chaos.

Perhaps they make the issues worse when they are acting on the narcissists’ behalf. They make trouble, cause even more drama and pull more people into it.

It’s all about them getting the maximum energy and attention from other people.

Other flying monkeys may have unrecognised wounds from narcissistic abuse.

They are the unwitting pawns in the narcissists game. They don’t understand how they are being used in the game.

Perhaps they think that they are doing the right thing.

Or that they are living out a scenario from their own life, something unresolved, that will have a better outcome of they get involved with the narcissist’s drama.

Their reasons for their actions don’t really matter, what matters is you.

The flying monkey will never reach out with genuine attempts to reconcile the relationship between you and the narcissist.

Just as much as you got frustrated with the narcissist, you were never heard, things always got chaotic, and issues were never resolved, it‘ll be the same with the flying monkey.

They are not there for you.

It won’t take long to work out their agenda, to serve the narcissist, when you speak to them.

As soon as they invalidate you, make you feel guilt, obligation or fearful, they are manipulating you just the same as the narcissist.

The chances are that they’ve done this before, in previous relationship issues with the narcissist.

The best way to get the peace you need to heal, is to consider no contact not just with the narcissist, but with those that do their dirty work for them.

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