Weapons of Mass Disappointment — Presents from a Narcissist

Presents are a very clever way that a narcissist can show how they really feel about you. Or they are used to manipulate, make you feel indebted or that they have strings.

It is never just as simple as a narcissist giving a gift.

If you feel sad, disappointment, frustrated or angry when you receive a gift then this is exactly how they want you to feel.

It is said that ‘It’s the thought that counts’ but what is that thought was to make you suffer?

This is exactly how a narcissist operates.

As the gift is handed over, perhaps there’s a little bit of hope that it’s something that means something or had some thought.

Just for a second you hope.

Then as you tear off the wrapping watched by the narcissist, your disappointment or upset is hard to hide.

Giving money

The way that they give the money sends a message.

It’s not about knowing what to get, it’s about not being bothered to make the effort.

They give money, instead of taking the time and making the effort to think of something to get.

I expect that they make the effort with other family members or friends. And will let you know all about it.

Perhaps they expect you to get the gift, wrap it and give it to yourself or your child? In which case it is you that has made the effort not the narcissist.

Sometimes they withhold money until they get a gift, a card, a visit or something else. There’s nothing unconditional about that gift, they have to get something or you don’t get the money.

The Contrast

This is when the narcissist gives a gift which is somehow less than that given to your sibling or your sibling’s children.

It could be in terms of the cost of the gift, the amount of thought put into it or the number of gifts.

The golden child sibling and their children will always get more in one way or another.

The scapegoat gets fewer, less thoughtful and/or not so costly presents.

This is to make you feel the contrast.

And what better way to do it, when you can see the difference.

One narcissist I knew, would shower her golden child with thoughtful gifts and money.

Her other child, the scapegoat, would get the same gifts every year, home knitted dishcloths, a bottle of wine and money.

Every year the family would gather for Christmas day and open the gifts together. The whole set up was so that the scapegoat would feel like crap.

It wasn’t because she spent more time with her golden child and knew what he wanted more. She spent just as much time with both children.

What shall I get?

If it’s the thought that counts, what if it ends up being YOU that puts the thought into it?

This is the narcissist who asks you what to get you or your children.

The whole point of a gift is supposed to be the care and thought that the giver puts into it.

So, if it ends up being the receiver or receiver’s parent that puts in the effort, where is the care and consideration on the part of the giver?

It becomes your problem to work out what they can get you or your child.

They thrive on your energy, especially when it comes to your child.

They know that you will want something thoughtful and exciting for your child, so you are willing to put the effort in. In the meantime, they sit back, watching you expend your energy on something that they should be doing.

There is little chance that a gift is something the child already has, and if that’s the case there’s no problem with sending it back or changing it.

It is not difficult to go into a store and decide on a gift based on the age recommendations. Online stores even offer the possibility to search by the age of the child and their gender.

It’s about none of these things for the narcissist, they are lazy and enjoy having you under their control as you search for your own gift or something for your child.

The mega generous present

These are the narcissists who are overly generous with their gifts.

It is these narcissists that feed from their image as the generous parent/grandparent to the salesperson or anyone else within earshot. Often they will brag to everyone else how much they spent.

This could also be to undermine you as a parent. So, if your child has asked for an expensive or inappropriate gift for their age narcissistic grandparents will seek to undermine you by getting that gift.

Narcissists also do this to gain the upper hand over you with your children and be their favourite.

These gifts are to make you feel indebted to the narcissist. This gives them another way in which they can manipulate you.

Their generosity is not well meant.

It is meant as a means of control. Bribery almost, because there will be repercussions, some expectation from you because of the value of the gift.

Some way or other it will be used against you. Either to call you ungrateful or to manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want to do.

And the bigger the present, the more control they feel that they have over you or your children.

Often it’s seen as proof that they care. ‘I gave you that expensive gift last Christmas, so I do love you.’

The gift is only showing love, if it’s given with love, something that narcissist’s don’t do.

The thoughtless gift

These are the gifts from narcissists who want you to feel that you are worthless.

Sure, sometimes it’s hard to get gifts for people, especially if you don’t really know them or spend time with them.

But the narcissist will go out of their way to get something that shows no thought.

It’s about the energy behind it.

One gift from a narcissist who spent quite a lot of time with me- a pair of woolly socks and a kitchen spatula.

There was no thought put into these gifts.

Her focus was my son, who she showered with gifts.

I wasn’t worth the energy or money investment, she had better supply (attention) now in my son. He was worth in the energy and money because she would get more from him than from me.

The strings attached

Sometimes narcissists give expensive presents but there are strings attached. Usually, to make you feel indebted to the narcissist in some way.

These are the gifts that are expected to be ‘paid back’ with visits, phone calls, reciprocal gifts or whatever the narcissist wants.

It could be that these presents will be mentioned for weeks, months, even years after the event to manipulate you or your children.

Perhaps the narcissist even claims to have taken out loans for the gifts. If it’s true, it’s their bad decision and not your fault!

To demonstrate ‘love’ gifts

These gifts are used as a demonstration of love or affection from a narcissistic parent.

If you ever say that you don’t feel loved or cared about, previous gifts will be brought up as evidence that they ‘care’.

To a narcissist, who values money and material possessions above everything else, there can be no greater demonstration of their ‘love’ than to give presents or money.

They don’t see that love, emotional support and care is much more important to other people.

Gifts that are inappropriate/unsuitable

Sometimes to show their complete lack of regard for you or your children a narcissist will get something inappropriate or unsuitable.

It could be clothes in the wrong size, toys for the wrong age group or something that is broken or incomplete.

If it feels like they just grabbed something off the shelves, then this is the case.

There is NO thought put into these gifts.

A narcissist will thrive on your disappointment or that of your children when they open the gift.

The last minute gift

This is the present you didn’t think you had to get.

The narcissist ‘kindly’ reminds you, just before the holidays, to get something for someone that you didn’t know you had to get for. Or it could be that they change their mind about what they want.

As you are a good person, you get them that something.

Several years ago, it was decided in our family to only get gifts for the children.

I am by nature a very organised person and NEVER do last minute shopping. I hate it.

This is to get you to react immediately, to jump to their instruction. They get a power rush from this and feed from your energy of stress which was caused by them.

My sister in-law contacted me, only days before Christmas and asked me if we had received our gift. ‘It’s just a small something to show how much we care about you.’ She said.

WHAT?

Immediately I went into panic mode. I had no idea what to get them. Eventually I settled on a chocolate hamper, which was delivered to them just before Christmas.

Our gift?

Cheese knives.

Well, I guess she knew exactly how to show how much they cared.

After the event

Everyone knows when the holidays are, it’s no surprise. And it’s the same time every year.

However, there are some narcissists who decide to show their utter disregard for you and your kids by not even ensuring that it gets to you in time.

Somehow it won’t be their fault. And they might play a game where they pretend they sent it in plenty of time and pester you to know if it’s arrived. Or they ordered it and it hasn’t arrived.

This is just another very clever way to let you know that they don’t really care about you or your child.

I have a great friend who lives thousands of miles away. She sends her gifts at least 3 months before the holidays to make sure that we receive it. She genuinely cares.

The re-gifted ‘gift’

These are the gifts that narcissists have either received from you or someone else that they gift to you.

Again, there is no thought given to these gifts.

Sometimes they haven’t even been rewrapped.

They will tell you that they are re-gifted, or you will know because you recognise it.

What greater rejection is there, than rejection of a gift from you AND giving it back to you?

Or rejected someone else’s gift and giving it to someone else.

You’re meant to feel hurt.

I was once given a present.

As she handed it to me she said, ‘I’ve got the designer version of this, but someone gave me that one and I thought I would give it to you’.

What was I supposed to feel as I opened it? Happy? Joy? Delight at the thoughtfulness?

No, none of the above. I was meant to feel unconsidered and worthless. And a dig that she thought she deserved better than me.

The jab gift

These are the passive-aggressive presents, apparently given with thought but actually a jab at you.

Whilst it may appear that there’s thought given to it, there’s a sting somewhere.

It’s a way of making you feel that you are lacking in some way.

It could be in comparison with them, that you are not as good as them. They feel that they are superior to you in some way and want you to know it

Or it could be that they are witholding something from you, something which you would benefit from.

One gift I received was a crossword puzzle book and a crossword solver machine.I never do crosswords. I never have.

As she handed me the gift she said, ‘This is for all your spare time.’

Whaaaaaa? I was a mother to a young son, he was about 18 months at the time. Spare time was something I never had!

I was meant purely as a jab because she knew that I never had spare time.

She never offered any support with my son and knew that I had little support.

So, the sting was that she had plenty of time and offered no support and knew that I would be suffering from it.

The cheap gift

Sometimes narcissists will give a present that is so cheap that the wrapping paper was more expensive.

And it will be obvious that it’s cheap, maybe they even leave the label on it.

It’s to make you feel that you or your child are worthless.

Once my son was gifted a sticker book from a charity/thrift shop.

How did I know?

Some of the stickers were missing!

New, that sticker book would have cost about £2.

The message: your son is not even worth £2 for a new sticker book.

And the person giving the gift has plenty of money.

‘I bought you less because (fill in random excuse)’

Often narcissists will obviously spend less on gifts on you, or your kids, than on someone else.

Then if you look like you are wondering, or even ask them, they will make an excuse.

‘I bought you less than your brother because you went on that school trip.’

‘You haven’t got so many gifts because it’s your birthday coming up.’

‘I had to come and help you, so I couldn’t afford much this year.’

You’re meant to feel the comparison and feel like crap about it.

And, of course, your golden child sibling (or their kids) will get the gifts AND whatever else they want.

Not getting you what you want

Some narcissists will start to pester you long before the holidays or birthday to ask you what you want.

This is another way that they get energy from you, YOU are spending the energy on your gift instead of them.

Then it comes to the day and you receive your gift.

As you open it, you realise it is not what you wanted.

The disappointment shows on your face. This is exactly the reaction that they wanted.

‘I know it’s not what you asked for, but I thought you would like this better.’ says the narcissist.

These narcissists want to make sure that you don’t get the things that will make you happy. It makes them happy to bring others down, they feel alive when you are sad or disappointed.

Getting what they like

Narcissists don’t understand that other people are different from them and have different taste.

These narcissists probably know exactly what you want, but they end up getting what they would like instead.

And they expect you to be delighted about it too.

One holiday I asked for a silver watch because I don’t wear gold at all. I specifically asked for silver.

I was gifted a gold and silver watch.

It was unthinkable to this narcissist that I would prefer silver because she preferred gold.

Every time I wore that watch I was reminded that it was not what I asked for. I hated it. I felt obligated to wear it because she would accuse me of being ungrateful.

Getting nothing

Narcissists who really want to make you feel like crap, won’t get you anything at all.

These are the ignoring narcissists, to whom you don’t exist unless you are serving them or right in front of them.

The withheld gift

These are the narcissists who are punishing you because you didn’t do something that they wanted you to do. And it’s not just you that is punished but your children as well.

One narcissist I knew left a message to say I had to call her back to discuss my son’s present.

It was a ruse to get me to contact her so that she could convince me to break my no contact with my parents.

I didn’t call her, so my son didn’t get a gift.

That showed the truth about her. She didn’t care about me, or my child, unless she was getting what she wanted.

The freebie gift

These are the gifts from narcissists which they received free as a promotion or gift.

There is no thought, effort or even money because they just pass on something that they had.

One holiday I got a gift.

It was a strange fleece blanket, not my taste, nor had I asked for it.

Later I realised that it was a promotional gift from a mail-order company that the narcissist ordered from.

Gratitude

Whatever the gift you receive from a narcissist you will be expected to be very grateful for it. Not just for the holidays either, for many weeks, months even years afterwards.

Some narcissists expect thank you notes. So even the simple act of giving a gift is because they expect something back for it.

If you aren’t appreciative, you are called selfish and ungrateful and made to feel bad for it.

This is the worst thing about these gifts, that you have to be grateful even when you are hurt or disappointed. And you know that that was the aim of the narcissist but still you’ve got to pretend otherwise.

A narcissist cannot give

There is no such thing as a narcissist just giving for the pleasure of giving and bringing joy to another person.

They don’t want to bring joy.

They want attention, negative or positive.

The generous narcissist

They expect to be overwhelmed with gratitude. They feed from this attention, will exploit it and encourage it.

The narcissist using presents as a weapon

These people will feed from the disappointment and hurt that they deliberately cause.

Should you react, they will cause drama, no doubt accusing you of being ungrateful, over-sensitive or not taking a joke. Or else they will make excuses. Whatever happens somehow it will be all your fault.

Spending the holidays with a narcissist

If you are spending the holidays with a narcissist then prepare yourself. No doubt you will know exactly their particular tactic for showing how they feel.

As hard as it may be try to show no reaction at all.

Remind yourself that you are dealing with someone who’s like a spiteful little child. Don’t give them the satisfaction of letting them know that they hurt you.

Even better, make the decision not to subject yourself to them this holiday.

Dealing with a ‘no’ to a holiday invitation is much better than the consequences of spending time with them, not just for you but your kids too.

The narcissist receiving gifts

If you are the scapegoat prepare yourself, the gift will not be big enough, expensive enough or there will be something else wrong with it.

The narcissist may outright reject it, put it to one side, lose it, ask to return it, show no interest in it, re-gift it or throw it away. Even if it was exactly what they wanted or asked for.

It is more important to them that we feel the rejection of our gift and that we are not good enough.

A narcissist feeds from our desire to please.

So, if they are never pleased then it means that we keep on trying. (At least until we start to realise the truth about the situation.)

It could be that they punish you by stop talking to you if you don’t get them that expensive gift that they want. In which case, they show exactly what they are: manipulative and uncaring about you and only concerned about how you can serve them. They hope to emotionally blackmail you into getting the gift.

Many narcissists want big gifts for the bragging rights or to confirm their image as a great parent. They will tell everyone all about it.

Sometimes they feed from the fact that they make no effort with your gifts. Perhaps it’s up to their partner to get them. In which case anything they get from you means that you have spent more time and energy on them than they have on you. That’s a heady rush for a narcissist’s ego.

The golden child’s gifts

The golden child is not expected to get them anything.

If they do, then their gift is kept and treasured, even if it was thoughtless or cheap. Sometimes someone else will buy the gift for the golden child to give, but it is still seen as coming from the golden child and treated as such.

Excuses will be made on behalf of the golden child if they don’t get anything at all, even if the reasons given are ridiculous or untrue.

There will be an enormous contrast between how the golden child’s gifts are treated and the scapegoats.

You are meant to feel the contrast.

Gifts are a very effective way for a narcissist to show how they really feel about you.

Within the family setting, opening gifts, there is nowhere to hide your disappointment or hurt. It’s the perfect time for the narcissist to show how they feel and witness your hurt.

Most people would assume that some love, thought and consideration has gone into a gift.

Not so with a narcissist.

The only thing they’ve considered is how they can disappoint or hurt or get attention.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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