The Ultimate Betrayal
Realising about narcissistic personality disorder, it was as if I had opened Pandora’s box.
Once it was open, I could not go back.
I had no clue what the consequences would be.
I needed to know the truth, no matter how ugly or challenging it was.
So, I decided I needed to face it, all of it, no matter where it took me.
As I read through the list of narcissistic personality disorder traits, I was shocked to the core. Each and every trait described my father’s behaviour.
I still remember how my stomach hit the floor and the world started to spin.
Sure, I’m no health professional, but reading that list I knew that was exactly what he had.
The greatest realisation was, that although I had been told differently my whole life, it was NEVER ME.
I wasn’t difficult, selfish, uncaring, lying or ungrateful. Nor was I a bad daughter.
That was the first shock, someone who I had trusted, thought loved me and I thought knew me was a liar.
Not only that he had systematically done everything he could my entire lifetime to sabotage me.
My father had always been, ‘challenging’ at best and an arsehole at worse.
Things had become really unpleasant when I reached 14 but got progressively worse as an adult.
I still remember where I was stood when I made another huge realisation:
My life had been built on lies and deceit.
Every single relationship as a child and young adult had been influenced by what my parents had told me.
And everything they had told me had been to further their agenda.
They wanted me distrustful and fearful because then I would be isolated and alone.
So, they encouraged me to believe that they were the only ones that loved and cared for me.
That it was only them I could trust.
Family was the only place I was truly safe and secure.
Outsiders were not to be trusted, they had a hidden agenda, and no matter how they acted they didn’t really like me anyway.
All this meant I had a fear of other people and kept me close to my parents and sibling.
As I was close to them, it meant that I was there for them to abuse.
And, as I was so fearful of others, I would never see or experience what it was like in other families, normal families where there was no abuse.
It meant that I would never question their treatment of me.
My fear was like chains that kept me close to people supposed to love and support me but who scapegoated me to make themselves feel better.
But now, after my realisation, it struck me that every judgement I had made about family members was based on lies.
So, what was my family, really?
This began my process of untangling it all.
I needed to know.
It was as if my life had been on stage and suddenly the entire set-up had been revealed. I could see the full stage, backstage, the lighting rigs, the wings, the backstage team, even the speakers and secret effects.
For the first time I understood that I had been played, I could see all the machinations.
In seeing the bigger picture, I saw how I had been led to like or dislike certain members of the family or their partners.
Sometimes this could change very quickly, so someone previously painted badly was suddenly a good thing. I am sure if it changed it was because they did something that reflected well or badly on my parents, or gave them an ego boost or knock.
People were painted either as all good or all bad.
Once it was established if they were bad, I never heard any good of them and vice versa.
I had never made up my own mind about family members.
My experiences often with them directly were few. This was either because I was a child and preferred to be off playing with my many cousins or because I had been encouraged to mistrust them and didn’t want to spend time with them.
It went both ways, I have no doubt. They had also been lied to about me. My parent’s smear campaign about me had been started at my birth.
I had been betrayed by the people supposed to be deserving of that love and trust.
It was a double betrayal, all the bigger because I had also lost the chance of having a loving and caring extended family.
It had all been an illusion: that I had a loving, caring and supportive family.
In my desperation to see that they did love me, I would be optimistic, choosing to only see what I thought was proof of their love for me.
Any tiny scraps of something like love, I would magnify and hang onto I was so desperate for their love.
The truth is, that if there was any ‘love’, it was only to keep me close.
It had all been an act.
All of it: the concern for me, the desire to keep me safe, their professed love, the support if I needed it, their protectiveness.
It was all to keep me close.
To keep me from seeing the truth:
That they had a hidden agenda.
That they were dangerous.
That they mistreated me, abused me, the whole of my life.
My narcissistic parents had used my need for their love and approval and my trust against me. They had used it to keep me close, so that they could abuse me.
It is normal and natural after this monumental betrayal to question all your relationships and friendships.
It leaves you questioning everything you thought you knew about your life.
This is the time when you need all the support you can get from everyone, be it partners, friends, or professionals.
Reach out in narcissistic support groups to get the help you need.
I am here if you need me.
It is possible to get through the betrayal.
It is possible to learn to trust again.
If anything it teaches you to be more discerning about other people, not to accept other people’s judgements and to make up your own mind.
It is a huge step to learning to trust yourself, once you acknowledge the betrayal, process it, and see where you felt differently but were manipulated.
As scapegoats we are the truth-tellers.
There are those that are uncomfortable about it, within our family and in the wider world. They may react with anger, threats, violence, denial, excuses or lies.
It is not for us to help them with their discomfort.
This is when we must focus on ourselves and concentrate our energy on healing ourselves.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on February 4, 2021.