The Scarcity Mindset in a Narcissist’s Family
At the very core of a narcissistic family is the belief in the scarcity of love.
A scarcity of love
Love keeps you chained to your narcissistic parent and the rest of the family.
Love is a weapon the narcissist uses against the children and partner.
The narcissist is aware that their family members crave their love and attention. They use it to keep everyone where they want them.
Love is the promised reward if you please the narcissist, but should you get it, others are denied.
The narcissist only has enough love for one
The narcissist makes it clear that they only have enough love for one person.
It can shift from person to person depending on their whims and caprices. They make their love the most important thing for every member of their family.
The family members fight for the love
Parents turn against their children and siblings turn on one another to fight for the narcissists love.
This is the true toxicity of the narcissistic family setup.
Where there should be love and care between each family member is competition, jealousy and resentment or even hate.
The damage is irreparable where the narcissist has been most successful. The parents and adult siblings carry their resentments into their adult life and for the rest of their lives. They each of them seek the unobtainable: love from the narcissist.
A narcissist cannot love anyone
There is a scarcity of love in a narcissistic family because the narcissist is not capable of loving anyone.
They lack the ability to be vulnerable and allow themselves to be loved because they harden their heart.
It doesn’t mean, however, that they are unaware of what other family members and people want and need. They chose to use the need that others have for love and approval against them. It is their ultimate manipulation tool and one that keeps us close for a long time.
Scarcity of time and money
Where there is a scarcity of love there is also a scarcity of money and time.
The narcissist makes their children feel unworthy, guilty and responsible for keeping their family.
They begrudge everything that they do for others and make this feeling known. This further serves to make their family members feel indebted to them.
Often a narcissist will expect their children to look after them in their old age. This is in repayment of everything that they did for them whilst they were a child.
Money is used as a reward
Money becomes scarce as the narcissist resents paying for their children and begrudges everything spent on them.
Frequently money is used to show love, the child who pleases the narcissist is rewarded with material possessions or cash.
The narcissist does not know how to show love.
As they value money they think it is by spending money and buying things. Money becomes a means by which they can punish or reward and show their love or their disapproval. Often a lack of money is given as the reason why the scapegoat cannot have what they want.
This is how a narcissist lets their child know that they are not worthy of their love, time or money.
Scarcity mindset follows into childhood
The scarcity mindset can follow into adulthood, as does the toxic attitudes to love, time and money from childhood.
Money becomes the greatest indicator of an abused child’s worth. Affected adults either struggle with money or work very hard to have more.
The adult in debt feels that he is undeserving and sabotages his own attempts to make money.
The adult high achiever places too much value on money and material possessions to the detriment of their personal life.
A lack of self-worth
Often this scarcity mindset leads to trouble in relationships as the adult children do not have a sense of self-worth.
It can mean that they attract narcissists and abusers, who seek to exploit it for their own agenda.
Or it leads to people-pleasing and other co-dependent behaviours which are extremely detrimental to healthy and beneficial adult relationships.
The greatest struggle for a child of a narcissist is to realise their self-worth and shake off the shackles of scarcity.
The universe is an abundant place with plenty for everyone.
It is only when you really start to live abundantly that you see that the possibilities are endless for you and your life.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on September 21, 2018.