The Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family

7 min readMar 17, 2023

The person selected by the narcissist as the scapegoat, is the family scapegoat.

It’s not just the narcissist that punishes them, the whole family does.

The narcissist encourages and rewards the family for it because it doesn’t matter who is abusing the scapegoat, as long as they are suffering.

Often the abuse is so subtle that the scapegoat doesn’t see it for what it is.

You’re also conditioned to believe that you deserve it, not just from the narcissist but from everyone. So, it’s not because it’s the role you’ve been given, you believe it’s because you’re bad and you should be treated badly.

When you’re a child raised as a scapegoat, you don’t know any different. It’s the way it is, and the way it’s always been.

You understand your position in the family, but don’t see how toxic it is. You don’t see how the narcissist has selected you, for that role.

Everyone treats you badly, you get blamed for everything that goes wrong, even if it had nothing to do with you.

You can see the difference between how you are treated and your siblings or other family members.

Perhaps you ask your parent about it, but they make excuses, defend or ignore you. You don’t get the answer you want or need.

Your other parent, perhaps they are narcissistic too, but they want to maintain the situation as it is. They don’t want to be the scapegoat, so they’ve got to convince you to stay around.

Your siblings, they don’t want the role either. They’ve seen how badly you are treated, and they fear taking on that role. There’s no support for you.

They’re all in on it.

It is a conspiracy against you.

No-one wants to be the scapegoat, so they do all they have to to keep you in that role.

Your other parent and siblings all have the same agenda, keep in the narcissist’s good books, make sure that they don’t become the scapegoat.

When the narcissist chooses their scapegoat, they base it on the character of that child. It must be a child with a spark of something, something that the narcissist either wants for themselves or they want to destroy.

The more you are scapegoated by the family, the stronger that role becomes for you. The more you accept it, the more it is assumed it’ll always be that way for the rest of the family.

So, the more they gang up on you, bully you, control you, and manipulate you, the more you’ll remain in that role, and the firmer you are placed there.

The narcissist relishes how the scapegoat is treated.

Whilst the family is focused on maintaining the current situation, watchful they don’t become the scapegoat, they aren’t addressing the real issue.

The real issue is that the narcissist abuses their family members.

But it’s not seen like that for the family, because their focus is on survival.

They’re distracted in their own need for safety and security. Not just the children but the other parent too.

The narcissist makes every family member fear their abandonment.

The scapegoat feels it the greatest, they can rarely please the narcissist, they are always in the wrong.

No matter what you do it’s not enough. Even if the narcissist tells you what to do, the narcissist will always find something wrong with it.

Every day you fear doing that one thing that means that the narcissist will abandon you.

Each time you face the wrath of the narcissist and survive is a relief to the scapegoat. Every time is terrifying, and a chance to try to learn what to do and what not to do.

The narcissist doesn’t make it clear what they approve of or not. Nor are they predictable about how they’ll react to anything.

You are always on edge, watchful, hoping that the narcissist is stable but waiting for it to change swiftly.

It can change very quickly and for no apparent reason.

A narcissist has a very fragile and sensitive ego, which is easily hurt. When it is hurt, the narcissist reacts with anger.

Sometimes they react by shouting and overt rage, other times with the punishment of the silent treatment.

When it comes from nowhere, it’s very confusing.

It means that as you don’t know what you did wrong, you can’t put it right, or learn what not to do in the future.

Everything you do or say is carefully considered, because you fear how will the narcissist react to it.

There’s no relaxation, no being yourself and being accepted. Everything you have is focused on the narcissist.

You feel a great burden of obligation to your narcissistic parent.

It is this obligation that makes you take their phone calls, respond to their messages or visit them when you don’t want to.

This burden makes you prioritise them, even if you have other more deserving priorities that need your attention and energy.

Your children, partner, job, friend, everything comes second to the demands of the narcissist.

It’s confusing to other people, they don’t understand why you’ll drop them for your narcissistic parent. They don’t feel like they matter to you.

The more the narcissist makes your life about them, the more miserable you’ll be.

They want you sad, alone, penniless and dependent on them. It gives them a lot of power and control over you.

If your relationship fails, you lose your job or your kids think you don’t care about them, then the narcissist wins.

For a narcissistic parent, it’s not about having children. It’s about having someone to control and manipulate for their lifetime.

As you’ve become an adult you see how your siblings and parents expect you to care for the narcissist.

No matter what it is, you’re the one that’s expected to do all for them.

Your siblings make excuses and get angry if you say that they should do more.

As your parent ages, the whole family presume that you’ll do all the caring for the narcissist.

If you say any different, then the family will gang up on you, make you afraid, remind you of your obligation and guilt-trip you.

Once again, it’s them versus you.

Whenever the family are together, you are the focus of their jokes and snide comments.

You think you like being with your family, but it always makes you sad or angry. And if you ever tell anyone this, they laugh at you, tell you you’re being over sensitive, over-dramatic or imagined it.

There are moments when you feel like you’re a stranger, you don’t fit in.

They’re all laughing or joking or having a good time, and it’s like you’re watching it from the outside.

If you try to join in, it all stops, or a nasty comment is made. Then you’re blamed for bringing everyone down.

It’s like they all share a secret that they’ll never tell you.

Perhaps you try to account for it, by thinking that maybe you’re adopted or something else. Something that will explain why you feel like the outsider.

You’re the one that does everything for everyone else, but no-one ever acknowledges it or appreciates it.

Or even worse, they make you feel like it’s not good enough.

You plan birthday parties, care for anyone who is ill, are always there to listen to their problems and care. But no-one ever does those things for you.

You think they’re there for you, but when you ask for even a little bit of support you get nothing.

Your siblings seem to get everything from your narcissist parent.

They are showered with love and attention, material things, money. You get nothing, not even your costs back for the things you do. Or if you do, the narcissist acts like it’s a big deal and they’re so generous.

Sometimes you say something and your family exchange glances.

It’s uncomfortable, you don’t know what’s going on, no-one tells you anything, you’re kept out of everything.

The more upset you get, the more they leave you out.

You’re forgotten, ignored, belittled, laughed at, shouted at and blamed by all the members of your family but you keep on coming back for more.

It doesn’t make sense, why you keep on coming back, because it hurts.

You dream of the family that accepts you and loves you.

Sometimes you think this is the family you’ve got, just for a moment, until you get a reality check. Then you’re reminded, again, of how little you matter to these people.

Family feels like enemies.

But it’s not just family, outside the family you get the same treatment.

It must be you, right?

No, it’s because you’re so used to being treated badly, you think it’s normal and you accept it.

It’s them.

They’re wrong.

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