The Scapegoat as Protector
The scapegoat takes the brunt of the narcissist’s abuse, and in so doing they protect the rest of the family.
A narcissist must have a scapegoat, it is the most important role that they need from another person.
They use the scapegoat to dump all their anger, jealousy, bitterness, anything that makes them feel unpleasant or uncomfortable. However, although it never really brings them the relief they seek, they continue doing it.
The scapegoat protects not only their siblings but also their other parent.
The family understand very well the role of the scapegoat, and each is invested in making sure that they don’t get that role. They will do whatever they have to.
It’s not about family, when the siblings and even the other parent is pitched against the scapegoat like this.
The family is a battleground.
The golden child, who can even be the other parent, will fight to keep this role.
This role means that they are a lot less likely to be abandoned by the narcissist. For a while, they feel safe. However, it often doesn’t last long. The narcissist likes to keep everyone on edge and pandering to them.
The whole family will scapegoat the narcissist’s scapegoat.
If the attention is on the scapegoat, then it’s not on them. The more they enforce this role for the narcissist, the less chance they will be selected now or in the future, and the more they win favour with the narcissist.
The more the narcissist is appeased, the calmer and safer it feels for the rest of the family.
The family doesn’t care about the scapegoat.
All they care about is making sure that they don’t get the role. They will lie, twist things and gas-light the scapegoat all because they don’t want that role.
If the scapegoat breaks free, then it’s in the family’s best interests to do whatever they have to to try to get them back. There is no low that they won’t stoop to, because they won’t break free from the narcissist themselves and they don’t want to be the next scapegoat.
Any family member will blame the scapegoat, in order to gain an advantage. They have no compunction.
This includes the scapegoat’s other parent. Even though, as an adult, they could leave the narcissist and stand a greater chance of survival.
However, of course, the narcissist makes it feel impossible to leave them, whether it’s their kids or their partner. And they will set everything up, so that everyone feels hopeless and trapped with them.
The scapegoat takes the brunt of the abuse too, because they care about their family.
They love their siblings, don’t really understand the true dynamic and want to make sure that their siblings are protected from the narcissist.
The scapegoat may take steps to protect their siblings from the narcissist’s rage.
The siblings don’t really know, or care, about the scapegoat and what they are going through. All they care about is themselves and making sure that they are protected.
The whole family is about survival and that survival depends on the narcissist.
Often the scapegoat is the oldest child, who has a greater understanding of the narcissist’s setup.
They will use this information to protect their siblings.
The other children in the narcissistic home do not have the same experiences as the scapegoat.
This doesn’t mean that they receive love from the narcissist, other parent or their other siblings. It just means that they don’t take the brunt of the narcissist’s abuse like the scapegoat does.
When the scapegoat breaks free, it’s rare that their siblings understand or validate them.
Often, they are too tied in with the toxicity themselves, and won’t break free.
They’ve spent their whole lives making sure that they aren’t the scapegoat, their priority will be the get the scapegoat back.
The scapegoat expects validation or support from their siblings, but they won’t get this.
To support the scapegoat is to go against the narcissist and the siblings are trapped in fear.
No matter their age or situation they will still feel reliant on the narcissist for their survival. So, they will also turn against the scapegoat, to maintain the status quo with the narcissist.
If their siblings validate them, it also means that the scapegoat is right to leave. The siblings don’t want this, they want the old scapegoat back.
The scapegoat becomes isolated not just from the narcissist but from the whole family.
Of course, sadly, often children of narcissists will become narcissistic themselves. The cycle continues down to the next generation, until someone breaks free.
This is never more plainly seen than when the scapegoat breaks free. The toxicity of each family member is revealed. This includes the extended family members too, who are often involved with the drama as well.
Scapegoats are often empaths.
They feel things deeply which gives the narcissist a greater sense of satisfaction when they cause them pain.
This empathy is what makes the scapegoat want to save their siblings, at their own cost.
Sadly, the siblings and other parent, don’t have the same level of empathy or compassion for the scapegoat.
It’s very difficult to understand and accept this as the scapegoat. The scapegoat presumes that everyone cares about them, the same way as they care about them.
But the sad truth is, the rest of the family is only concerned with their own individual survival.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on September 6, 2022.