The Reaction of Narcissistic Parents to a Row or No Contact

It is the reaction of your parent to a row or your no contact that tells you a lot about the relationship.

If you have a problem and you try to sort it out with them, how things progress will tell you a lot about what you need to know.

When you are both coming from a place of love and respect, things rarely escalate into a massive row, or end with you going no contact.

Each side wants to sort it out, so that the relationship can be as mutually loving and supportive as possible.

It can be a relatively simple and easy thing to resolve.

There’s a problem that you have or your parent has, the issue is discussed, each side takes responsibility for their actions, there is a genuine apology and things change moving forward.

However, with a narcissist it won’t be this way.

Things will escalate very quickly, especially if you are bringing up an issue that you have with them.

Somehow, the discussion will descend into a full-blown row, with the narcissist:

making accusations

blaming you, or everyone else

bringing up previous grudges

involving other people

raging at you maybe becoming violent or giving you the silent treatment

twisting things

lying

re-writing reality

gas-lighting

making threats

calling you stupid, crazy, over-sensitive or mentally ill

telling you need help, you have problems

talking gibberish or not making any sense

It leaves you reeling and wondering what happened.

The chat will not go anything like you thought it would.

In fact, often you can not even remember what started it all, but it seemed to blow up in your face very fast.

A narcissistic parent will want to involve as many other people as possible. And, of course, these people will all agree with them.

Even worse, these people that the narcissist reels in will act on the narcissist’s behalf.

The narcissist won’t have told them the truth.

In fact, the narcissist will have conducted a smear campaign against you since birth.

They would have lied about you, painted you out to be bad in some way. And that they have in some way, are your victim.

After the smear campaign was started, the lies would have been continued. This is to encourage the other person to believe that you are a bad person.

A narcissist knows what they are doing, and they’ve got to discredit you in advance in case you reveal their abuse.

When someone believes the narcissist, they won’t believe you, no matter what you say. It doesn’t matter how much you try, the narcissist has already done the damage.

The narcissist will only surround themselves with people that they can manipulate and control.

They are master manipulators and are very good at controlling family members. The greater emotional connection that family members need, the greater ability the narcissist has to control and manipulate.

So, you will be ganged up on by the whole family.

When they get involved the narcissist is pleased and will show the family that. Everyone is trying to please the narcissist, they want to feel safe and secure, and they learn that they only get that when they serve the narcissist.

Other people, from outside the family, will also get involved.

After the row, the narcissist will recruit their people as flying monkeys. These are the people sent to do the narcissist’s dirty work.

These people, probably from the family, will attempt to manipulate you back into contact with the narcissist.

It will always be your fault with the narcissist and their flying monkeys.

You will be expected to take responsibility for what happened, apologise and make sure that it never happens again.

The actions, and words, of the narcissist will be ignored.

As long as you come back, have no expectations from the narcissist, make no demands, and resume your old role everything will be fine.

The narcissist may make a little effort to get in touch with you.

But it won’t be a real big effort or require too much energy from the narcissist.

They prefer instead to send other people on their behalf.

Neither the narcissist or their flying monkey will be interested in how you feel. They won’t want to hear your side, or any disagreement.

Instead they will invalidate you, gas-light you, lie, twist things, re-write reality, make excuses and blindly defend themselves or the narcissist.

At no point will the narcissist take responsibility for their words or actions, apologise and promise to change.

Neither will the flying monkeys expect them to do that either.

If you ask that the narcissist take responsibility, then you’ll be met with justification, arguments, defence, or explanations for their behaviour. And they’ll turn it around and it’ll be your fault.

In short, it’s up to you to continue to take their behaviour, no matter how bad it is or how many times it has happened.

The narcissist likes the dynamic and they want it to stay like that.

You’re probably the scapegoat. Which means that you take a load of crap from the narcissist and never push back or distance yourself.

The moment you take a stand, then the narcissist is aware. They are very aware of the slightest shift in the dynamic. Then they’ll do all they can to get you back to your old role.

A narcissist must have a scapegoat, someone to dump all their crap and bad feelings onto.

So, if you are distancing yourself, their priority is to find a new, better scapegoat. One who fulfils the narcissist’s needs.

You’re trying to work at the relationship to make it work.

The narcissist wants someone to take it all out on.

They prefer to spend their energy on finding a new scapegoat, than trying to sort out your relationship.

Their priorities are very different.

Just as you are emotionally invested in the relationship, they are you parent and you care, a narcissist isn’t.

Sadly, a narcissist isn’t capable of emotional connection, even with their own children. They don’t have the compassion, or interest in other people.

So, once you stop serving them and their needs, they aren’t interested anymore. They can just walk away, without a care, because they don’t have that emotional connection.

But for you, it’s huge, you still love and care for them.

When you go through this, even beyond the actual row itself, you feel like you have to fight for the relationship.

It’s a real struggle.

Every time you make more effort, or try to understand they distance themselves. Like you are repelling them with your need for them and the relationship.

For a narcissist to see you care and love them is an ego boost.

They relish seeing it, because it gives them power over you, you care more than they do. To love others is a weakness in the eyes of a narcissist, something to be exploited.

A narcissist uses your love for them against you.

Their love and approval are the rewards that are always kept just out of reach.

Never obtainable, always with shifting rules and expectations. You can fight your whole life and never achieve it.

That’s where the narcissist has you, trapped close to them.

When you strive to earn their love and approval it means that you are vulnerable to their abuse.

If you didn’t care you would walk away, but your love keeps you trying with them. That is until the point when their behaviour becomes so abusive, impossible to ignore, and you have to say ‘STOP’.

But your fight for the relationship is one way.

YOU make all the effort and they do nothing to make it work.

Sure, they make demands, have expectations, tell you what a disappointment you are, how you’ve failed or how it’s all your fault. But there’s never constructive suggestions to move forward and resolve the issue.

It’s not a 50/50 relationship.

There is no give and take.

It’s up to you to give and the narcissist to take.

Once you start expecting or asking for some give from the narcissist, then it all crumbles from there. As far as the narcissist is concerned that’s not what they signed up for.

You are emotionally and mentally exhausted, trying to find a way to make things work but nothing ever does.

Perhaps your family life, health, finances, other relationships, career, or friendships have suffered.

No contact is often the last option once everything else has been attempted.

Then it all happens all over again.

Just like after a row, once you’ve started no contact, it’s the same pattern.

The same people recruited as on the occasions before, to do the narcissist’s dirty work.

Unlike before, it takes more strength on your side to resist those manipulation attempts.

The best thing to do, if possible, is to block not just the narcissist, but also any of their flying monkeys.

Now is the time for peace, and the healing that comes with that peace. It’s your priority to preserve it.

Book my Healing POWER hour session

💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €

💖 https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/

For more information there is also:

❓ Quick Question Ask me a question https://comebackbrighter.com/new-quick-question/

💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €

https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/

😍 Patreon! 😍 Find out more here: https://www.patreon.com/clarelane

📖 I’m on Medium https://clarelane-comebackbrighter.medium.com/

👀 YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJGGrJYny9EwmmcOuIjmKGw

🎥 My vlog: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAYiMpCKIO9iKxRthWbn6YEjyjVvQ-JXC

👂 My Google podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy80NmJlZmYzYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw

🔈 Apple podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-back-brighter/id1588224250

❓ Quora : https://www.quora.com/profile/Clare-Lane-12

✒️ Here are my blogs https://comebackbrighter.com/latest-blogs/

💻 More information on my website https://comebackbrighter.com/

💌 Or contact me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com

You are not alone, Clare x

https://comebackbrighter.com/2023/05/09/the-reaction-of-narcissistic-parents-to-a-row-or-no-contact/