The Quest
As a child of a narcissistic parent you would never have been seen or heard.
A narcissistic parent just sees (or hears) their children in terms of themselves.
So, you would never have been known for your true self.
The nature of narcissistic abuse also means that your thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions are ignored too. If it doesn’t serve the narcissist, they don’t exist to the narcissist.
The narcissist will invalidate anything that you say if it doesn’t suit them.
They will lie, twist, things, gas-light or alter reality to serve themselves. There is no low that they won’t stoop to to get what they want or need.
If you have made the realisation about a parent’s narcissistic abuse, it’s like your eyes are open to it all.
It’s normal to expect some sort of acknowledgement or validation from the narcissist themselves, or from others in the family.
However, the narcissist will never admit to any wrongdoing.
They will never take responsibility for their actions. And if you try, they will only turn it around so that it is your fault.
The family are also tied in with the toxicity, their priority is to maintain the dynamic to keep the narcissist stable. This is all they are concerned about, especially if you are the scapegoat, no-one wants that role.
Any attempts that you make to get the narcissist to take responsibility for their actions will not get anywhere.
In fact, it will be exploited by the narcissist, for maximum drama and attention from you and from others in your family. They will draw everyone into it, to turn them against you, and make you look like the bad one.
The more you insist on them admitting their actions, the more they will push back, deny, ignore, make excuses, lie, gas-light or twist things.
As for other family members, their only priority is to protect themselves.
And they do this by making sure that they aren’t the next scapegoat. So, they will do everything that they can to make sure that you don’t break free.
There may have been a time when they appeared to agree with you about your parent. But that was all it was, an act, to keep you close and within the family.
You may have been raised in the same family, with the same parents but the chances are your experiences were very different from your siblings. This is especially the case if you were the scapegoat.
None of this will be about how you feel.
There will be no concern shown for you. And no love or support from the narcissist or other family members.
Their only concern is the narcissist and maintaining the family dynamic, which wasn’t too bad for them.
So, this becomes about finding your own validation of your experiences.
It also is about having confidence about the actions you have taken since your realisation.
This is a journey you have to do on your own.
At the beginning of your realisation, it is normal to desperately seek an article, video, document or post that justifies your diagnosis of your parent.
I know that I did. I wanted something that said ‘Clare Lane your father suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. You are right’.
After hours and hours of searching I never found that document, because it doesn’t exist. Even now, after 6 years no contact, I still haven’t found it!
This is really about the struggle as a result of decades of invalidation by a narcissistic parent, backed up by a toxic family.
Once you’ve tried to turn to your narcissistic parent to take responsibility and got nowhere, it leaves your family. They’ve shown you how they feel about it all, so it leaves you on your own.
This is the point when the situation can feel incredibly frustrating, desperate even.
However, the more energy you put into your parent, the more they are feeding from the attention and energy. And the more effort you put into getting what you want from family, the more they use it to invalidate you.
So, this becomes a one-person crusade to prove that you’re right.
It doesn’t matter what action you’ve taken with your narcissistic parent about your discovery, if you are in contact, low contact or no contact, it’s still the same.
It’s the same struggle, to be validated and understood.
So often I hear from clients who are desperate to have their say and to feel seen and heard. They could write a book, they say. Many often adding that I wouldn’t believe what they’ve been through.
I also hear that they’ve spent years researching narcissistic abuse, but not got anywhere. They may have been still seeking that elusive document telling them clearly that they are right.
Still the focus is on the narcissist, the same as it’s been for the entirety of your life.
I spent the best part of three years in this research for my validation.
However, the validation I really sought was the validation of myself and my experiences. I didn’t need anyone else, although it took me a long time to realise it.
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You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on February 1, 2022.