The Process of Recognising Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Making the discovery of narcissistic personality disorder and acknowledging it is a process.
At first it will be a shock.
The shock that there is something very wrong with your parent.
How you handle it from this point, depends on your character and the state of your relationship with your narcissistic parent.
It also depends on the the level of cognitive dissonance that you have, the fear, obligation and guilt you feel and how much you need love and approval from your narcissistic parent.
Cognitive dissonance
This occurs when someone’s beliefs strongly contradict what they are being presented with. It leads to a time of extreme discomfort and confusion.
The cognitive dissonance occurs with narcissistic abuse from the belief that our parent loves and cares for us and the reality.
It’s the difference between the words of a narcissist and their actions.
Words are easy. It is in their actions that they show the truth about how they feel.
Fear, obligation and guilt (fog)
Having a narcissistic parent means that fear, obligation and guilt are installed into you from birth.
These are the ways in which they manipulate you.
The fear of being abandoned, meaning that you wouldn’t survive. This isn’t just as a child, but the wound continues into adulthood even when completely independent financially.
Obligation, feeling a duty to your parent above your own needs and desires. And that you owe them a debt of gratitude for all they’ve done for you.
Guilt is the biggest burden. You feel responsible for your narcissistic parent sadness, anger or loneliness and they use this to guilt you into doing what they want, whatever the personal price you have to pay.
Love and approval
All narcissistic parents know that their child is striving for their love and approval.
They use their child’s need against them, promising overtly or covertly, that if the child does X or Y they will earn their parent’s love and approval.
Then once the child does this, they unfairly change the conditions without telling, claim it wasn’t exactly what they wanted or find any other reason they desire.
Love and approval are impossible from narcissist.
They get too much out of using it against you.
And they are incapable of emotional connection with other people, even their own children. If they didn’t love their child when they were born, they will never love their child.
Love is used as the ultimate manipulation tool.
Immediate no contact
These are the people that have struggled with the relationship with their parent for years, maybe even decades.
They will have tried talking, therapy and writing letters in a desperate attempt to work out the relationship. But it seems the more they try, the more the relationship fractures.
A lot of their energy would have been invested by them, without any reciprocal energy from their parent.
The instances of drama would have increased to the point of being undeniable and unforgettable.
Perhaps they are no contact already or have tried it previously but been pulled back in.
No contact would only have been because they had exhausted all other options and felt that there was no other option. Perhaps their physical and mental health and broken down and a break was the only option for their own good.
Then once they discover narcissistic personality disorder the final piece of the puzzle fits into place.
It was never them.
They are fighting for the love and approval of someone incapable of giving it. In fact, someone who uses their need to manipulate and abuse.
Narcissist’s don’t want a relationship. They want attention and other people’s energy.
No contact is immediately after the discovery.
Or else they feel more sure of their decision for no contact they already started.
These people don’t suffer with cognitive dissonance because of their experiences over the years. They will have already worked through their belief about their parent, consciously or not and reconciled it with the truth.
Their narcissistic parent’s actions, not words, would have shown them the truth over the years. And these people recognise the incongruency between the two.
Low, lower contact then no contact
For these people, they make the discovery of narcissistic personality disorder and go low contact. Sometimes they will be low contact, without even realising that this is what it was, or making a conscious decision.
This means that they restrict the amount of time they spend with or speak to their parent.
Over time they will recognise the anxiety and stress that their parent brings, even in low contact and restrict contact even more.
And then one day, perhaps out of nowhere they will stop contact. Or else there will be an incident that will spark the no contact.
Narcissists know when their supply (victim) is pulling back from them.
It will leave them confused and desperate to assert their power and control. So, they may ramp up the abuse to re-establish the status quo.
These people still struggle with a little cognitive dissonance, hence the time delay before no contact. They need this time to readjust their beliefs about their narcissistic parent.
As they work through their beliefs to readjust to reality, they are willing to take the step of no contact.
Short term denial
Some people will continue their relationship as normal with their narcissistic parent.
For these people, the cognitive dissonance will be a huge struggle.
Their relationship with their narcissistic parent will be too uncomfortable to address.
So, they deny everything that is happening because of the incongruency between their beliefs and reality.
Your old beliefs could hold strong for a long time because the reality is too difficult to handle.
It could be that during this time you refuse to acknowledge the truth of narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic personality disorder, and the little that you know about it, may be like an itch in your mind. Something that bothers you, as much as you try to put it aside.
There could come a time when your parent’s behaviour is undeniable.
It may not be a huge disagreement or row. It could be something small that sets of the chain of events that lead to low contact or no contact.
The Nevers
There are some people that will never process it.
It could be because the truth about their parent is too painful to accept.
Their cognitive dissonance and level of denial makes the truth impossible to acknowledge. Perhaps also their fear, obligation and guilt are too great, or their need for their parent’s love and approval.
They will never want to discuss it, with siblings or anyone else nor research it.
Perhaps they try to disprove the reality by providing evidence to siblings or other people of their narcissistic parent’s ‘love’. This proof will be examples of how that parent provided materially for their children.
Their priority will be to maintain the family set-up no matter the cost. This is the nature of the narcissistic family set-up, there is a safety in the toxic dynamic.
If it costs them relationships with other people, then this is the price that they are willing to pay.
Perhaps they have an agenda, living with the narcissist or benefiting from them financially now or in after their parent’s death.
So, although it’s toxic it feels safe because it’s familiar.
Toxic
It could be that they are toxic themselves and acknowledging a parent’s narcissistic personality disorders is too uncomfortable because it’s too close to home.
These are often the golden children of the family, who frequently become narcissistic themselves.
Conclusion
Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of how massive a thing it is to process.
It is incredibly hard to work through the fact that your parent has narcissistic personality disorder, particularly because it means that they are not capable of being the parent that you want and need.
We all strive for a parent’s love and it is very difficult to accept that a narcissist is not capable of loving anyone.
It hurts.
It feels personal.
But know that it’s not personal. It’s all about them and how they reacted to trauma that makes it impossible for them to love.
They don’t see you.
They don’t know you.
You are where you are, wherever you are in these stages and that it right for you.
I’m also aware how difficult it is to see the abuse clearly, after all we are used to it, it’s been our normal for years, if not decades.
Acknowledging it has consequences that cannot be foreseen or prevented.
But recognising it and taking steps to protect yourself has to be easier than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by someone supposed to love you.
Of course, if you have children, this is a bigger issue.
Not only do you have the responsibility to protect yourself but more importantly your children. Now you know the truth, any contact your child has with your parent is a chance for them to abuse.
The cycle of abuse stops with you, or else it will continue down the next generation.
The email
Once I received a very long angry email from someone’s sister.
She accused me of planting doubt in her brother’s head about their mother. She said it was websites like mine that fractured families.
I didn’t respond.
Had she truly not been disturbed by the thought of narcissistic personality disorder in her mother she wouldn’t have taken the time and energy to write to me.
Her anger was misplaced.
Whilst it appeared to be directed at me, random person on the internet, it was actually her cognitive dissonance that was causing her discomfort. It was easier to rant at me, someone she didn’t know, that it was to address the issue either with her brother or even with her mother.
I wonder now if she’s come to a place of acceptance.
And if her relationship with her brother fractured before she got there.
My story
My relationship with my father had been terrible for years. In fact, it was particularly bad from about 14 and my entire adult life.
The first time I tried to seriously sort things out was when I was 21. I wrote to my father telling him how I felt. He sent my mother.
For the fifteen years between being 21 and finally going permanently no contact I was only in contact with my father because I felt sorry for my mother.
There were several terrible incidences with my father during these 15 years. Each time however there was enough of a break between for me to sweep it under the carpet and forget about it.
It got worse when I was planning my move to France and then undeniable when I was pregnant with my son.
I wrote to my mother in a last-ditch attempt to sort things out with her.
My discovery about narcissistic personality disorder happened to be when I was researching another family issue when my parents were visiting.
The light went on.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on January 19, 2021.