The Priority in your Healing Process
Life with a narcissist parent is one of constant trauma.
As a child you will have spent your childhood focused on survival, making sure that the narcissist didn’t abandon you.
Your childhood would have been spent ensuring that the narcissist was as stable as possible.
They would have been your priority.
It is also the priority of every other family member, including your other parent. Each family member feels dependent on the narcissist for survival.
A childhood spent in a constant state of trauma does not allow the child to grow and develop as they should. It can lead to a lot of issues as an adult.
Narcissists feed from the attention and energy of other people.
As they need a constant and reliable source of energy, they will set up situations where there is drama in order to feed themselves.
The attention of others validates the existence of the narcissist.
Without attention and energy, the narcissist fears that they will die. If they are not ‘seen’ by others, then they fear that they don’t exist.
It is a childhood of constant drama and uncertainty.
The narcissist will contrive drama between their children and set up conflicts between their children and their other parent. Then other extended family members will be reeled in.
The more people involved in the drama, the more attention and energy the narcissist gets.
The narcissist may exploit the health situation of a family member to get attention for themselves.
They may take advantage of the rivalries that they created between their children to create another disagreement.
Or else they may simply start favouring one child over the other(s) to foster jealousy and competition between their children.
On occasions the narcissist will not be directly involved with the drama, but will use it to manipulate and control others.
A narcissist relishes the opportunity to manipulate others.
They feel superior because they know others’ weaknesses.
They know the dynamics between family members and exactly the right things to say or hint that that will cause trouble.
To see others upset, angry or hurt makes them feel good.
A narcissist sees that others love and care for the narcissist and each other as a weakness.
They are not capable of love and instead see it as something to be taken advantage of.
The more they see others love them, the bigger rush for their ego. They know that they don’t care, but they enjoy seeing that others care about them.
This is the dynamic that traps you, your love and care for the narcissist. And your constant desire for their love and approval.
As an adult perhaps you got involved with narcissistic friends, partners, colleagues, bosses etc etc. This is because narcissistic abuse is your normal, it is what you are used to.
Perhaps, also, there is a part of you that is subconsciously attracted to narcissists. Maybe you are seeking to live out an unsatisfactory dynamic with your parent, with someone else hoping that things will be as you want.
With these narcissists in your adult life, the drama continues.
The narcissistic friend will cause rows and disagreements between you and them or your other friends.
Someone you work with who’s a narcissist will cause friction between you and your colleagues or boss.
A narcissistic partner will cause quarrels between you and them. Perhaps they accuse you of having an affair, or not caring about them.
Your life with any narcissist will be one of constant drama.
It’s not your fault, you don’t know any different.
This is how you’ve been brought up, that this level of crap and drama is normal. It’s a part of life.
I think that it’s addictive.
The ups feel amazing and you want more. But the downs are a huge crash.
Perhaps a part of you thinks that there could be a future when life with this person, is constantly good experiences.
However, the longer time goes on the more the bad experiences you have.
This is how we get caught in their trap.
Narcissists sell you their lies.
A narcissistic parent will tell you or make you feel that if you do something then they will finally bestow their love and approval on you. This is the goal of your entire lifetime, started at birth and continued into adulthood.
If you have a narcissistic partner will make you feel that if you love them enough and show them, they will finally recognise your value and love you back.
A narcissistic friend will offer you their support and care provided you do what they want. However, it will be taken away as soon as it suits them. It’s not sincere.
Narcissists future fake
They paint a picture of the wonderful life you will have with them, one day far off in the future.
It’s very powerful.
However, the promise of the future is not enough unless there is action towards it in the present moment.
This is where the narcissist fails, the action is not taken for the future.
Why don’t they take action?
Because it’s all a lie, they sell to you to keep you engaged with them.
Their lies get you caught in their web of drama
When you seek love, support or care from a narcissist it leaves you vulnerable.
A narcissist knows exactly what you are seeking, they are very skilled at seeing the hurt of your wounds and previous traumas.
They exploit these wounds to keep you involved with them.
The drama is how they feed from you.
It’s a constant cycle, that won’t stop until you get off.
Drama in relationships is normal
Being involved with any narcissist is exhausting, you never know where you stand, and you never get whatever you are seeking.
The constant drama is normal.
However, the most important thing to your healing process is peace.
When you stop that relationship, whoever it may be with, the silence can feel very strange.
I remember the beginning days of my healing, I spoke to my therapist and said that people who weren’t narcissistic/negative were ‘boring’.
I was addicted to the narcissist’s drama.
These ‘boring’ people are the people to pursue potential new relationships or friendships with! They don’t need to feed from the attention and energy of others.
It’s a slow process, but there comes a day when your priority becomes to protect your peace.
This is why I believe that healing without going no contact is not possible.
I think that the break from all the drama and toxicity is essential to give you the time and space to see the abuse clearly for what it was.
Your peace heals you.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on September 21, 2021.