The Priority for a Narcissist

It could be that the narcissist in your life is a parent, a sibling, a partner, whoever it is, they all have one thing in common.

A narcissist’s priority is to maintain power and control over you.

They maintain this power and control over you, by making you feel afraid of them ever leaving you.

There is no low that they won’t stoop to to try to maintain power and control over you.

For someone with a narcissistic parent, they’ve had a lifetime to understand your weaknesses and exactly how to manipulate you. And they use it at every opportunity.

The narcissist assumes that the dynamic that they have with you will last forever, unless they want things to change.

You are predictable to a narcissist, you have always behaved a certain way and they rely on this.

As soon as you change, even a tiny bit, they know it.

It could be that you are distancing yourself from them, after a particularly horrible experience with them. But they know.

This is the point when they ramp up their abuse.

It could start with manipulations to make you feel guilty, claims that you don’t care anymore, or reminders of their old age or physical health problems.

It doesn’t matter what they try, it will only be to try to get you to behave as you previously did.

This will be when the fear, obligation and guilt surfaces for you.

The narcissist is trying to claw back some of their power and control.

None of what they say or do will show any concern for you, they don’t have any. Everything that they will try will be about manipulating you.

If they feel that this is not succeeding then their abuse will ramp up even more.

This will be when they remind you of age old grudges, even going back to your childhood.

It’ll be like a laundry list of all the things that they feel you’ve ever done wrong to them. Things that you thought were sorted out long ago, but they still remember. It could even be that they remember the circumstances very differently to you or that it wasn’t you that did it.

At this point they may be getting desperate.

But this doesn’t mean that they will continue to try with you.

This is when they recruit their flying monkeys.

These people could be anyone that know you and your parents, family members, friends, acquaintances, even people you’ve not heard from in decades.

Flying monkeys are recruited by the narcissist because they will do exactly what the narcissist wants. And there will be no consideration of you at all.

They will pass on the messages from the narcissist, repeat the same manipulation tactics, lie or exaggerate about the narcissist’s situation or state of health.

The aim of the narcissist is to make you cave to the pressure of these manipulation tactics. If it’s someone else compounding the guilt for you, there is more chance that you may give in. Not to mention the concern you may feel about how other people feel about the situation.

At no point at all in these stages, does the narcissist ever express any real concern or love.

It’s all about clawing back control, with the minimum of effort to them, to get you back where they think you should be.

Also, the narcissist will never acknowledge or take responsibility for their actions which lead to this point. Nor will they apologise sincerely and change their behaviour.

Their only tactic is manipulation.

Another tactic is to fabricate, contrive or exaggerate someone else’s health situation in the hope that this pulls you back into contact.

This could be anyone connected with the narcissist.

Somehow a message will get to you, about this person being ill. But the narcissist will expect to be the one that you will contacted.

They make themselves the centre of it all, even if there is another person closer to this person.

It’s to show you that they know what is going on with other people, so they have control of the situation.

There will always be pressure to respond.

The narcissist hopes that in pressuring you for a quick response, you will be more likely to take quick action. That way you are much more likely to contact them, before you have really considered the consequences and that you may be being manipulated.

One very interesting thing about all the communication from the narcissist, or their flying monkeys, is the tone.

It will never have the tone of sincere caring or concern for you. Or even mention

It will be all about them, how they are feeling or doing.

Sometimes the tone will be angry or frustrated, which seems entirely inappropriate from someone who is supposed to care.

Sadly, if they didn’t care before you took these steps to protect yourself, then they don’t once you start to distance yourself.

Often this can be the last straw, the last chance to see if they do really care.

But still their contact is about how they feel, or to manipulate.

This is how the situation often comes to an end, with no row, or fight. But just the loss of hope that the person cared about you.

You can’t make anyone care.

And with a narcissist it is our need for their love and approval that keeps us close to them for so long. They use it against us.

It’s a losing battle for you.

This is a battle that could cost you more than the time and energy it saps from you.

It could cost you financially, spiritually, and it will definitely cost you emotionally.

Your relationships, your career, your physical health and your mental health could suffer devastating effects.

Sometimes we reach a point when we are crying out for someone to show that they care. And sadly, time after time they let us down.

With the current global crisis, if someone hasn’t made you a priority then the sad truth is that they can’t really care.

Even worse, if they are playing passive-aggressive games, then their priorities are all wrong.

There are occasions when we just have to give up.

This isn’t because we haven’t tried, but because we don’t have the energy to invest in someone not really interested in a relationship.

If a narcissist feels you pulling away, then they will do all they can to try to reel you back into your old role.

But if this doesn’t work, and they feel their power and control is fading, or completely gone, then they will give up.

Everyone is to serve them, as far as a narcissist is concerned. As soon as you take a stand and don’t allow yourself to be pulled back in, they’ve lost control. They need someone easier to have their power fix over.

However, this is not to say that they will give up.

They could be in contact at any time when they feel their current source of attention and energy is dwindling.

By this time, though, hopefully you have experienced enough peace to desire to protect it and their manipulations won’t work.

A narcissist prefers no relationship than a relationship where they don’t have complete power and control.

Sadly, this is something we have to come to terms with.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on August 1, 2021.