The Narcissist’s Last Will

When a narcissist is reflecting on their death, they have one priority: to make you aware of exactly how they feel about you.

So, their will is the last way in which they can make it clear to you exactly what they thought of you.

Before their death, many decades before in some cases, the distribution of their money and assets would have been hinted at or even appear to be fully disclosed.

They use their will to manipulate.

It is their last chance to have power and control over people, and they will exploit it.

A narcissist will use their will as a reward or punishment whilst they live.

Those who do as the narcissist wants, will be promised the reward of their assets and money when they die.

Those who displease the narcissist will be struck from the will, in punishment.

A narcissist could change their will many times before they die.

But no matter what they say in life, the truth comes out when they die.

This is not about being entitled to anything, but about the way that the narcissist sets you up.

It’s up to the individual where their assets and money go on their demise.

However, a narcissist will use their will as a last chance to be spiteful and get revenge. They want to set you up to expect one thing and then make sure you don’t get it.

The more public the fall, the better because all the more shame, embarrassment, anger and frustration you will feel.

And what better way than a will involving lots of people.

Many people will see clearly how much the narcissist despised and hated you and how little they thought of you.

That is nectar to a narcissist, to cause the maximum hurt and pain to their scapegoat. And for it to be inflicted publicly, and the shame they hope you feel.

A relationship with a narcissist is a one way battle they’ve fought against you for years. It took no fighting on your behalf, the narcissist had enough hate and spite to keep them going all by themselves.

It’s not the way you saw it, I’m sure. They were a family member you loved and cared about.

Goodwill for the narcissists

Narcissists see all relationships as transactional.

Those involved with a narcissist will often strive to earn their love and approval. And they keep on doing more and more to add credit to the bank of goodwill of their parent or family member.

It is, however sadly, never enough.

Whatever you do for a narcissist it will never be good enough.

Neither will it be appreciated or seen as the act of love that you intended it to be.

You see, a narcissist gets a lot more power and control by withholding love and approval.

For many the will is the last chance for their deceased family member to show their love.

With a narcissistic family member, there is a spark of hope that in their will they will leave the love they never left in life.

Sadly, it is not to be so because for the narcissist it is their last chance to show how they despised you and how much they want to hurt you.

‘Earning’ their inheritance

Often the scapegoat will see their inheritance as something they’ve earnt, after years of making the effort with their narcissistic family member.

The narcissist would have encouraged them to see it like this, as the scapegoat has to serve the narcissist to earn their ‘reward’.

This is unlike the golden child who will have done less than nothing to ‘earn’ it, they just get it.

Cash gifts will be withheld in life, unless the narcissist use it to serve them, for appreciation and for manipulation and control. Other than that, it will be all left in the will.

Everything will be secret

A narcissist will never be honest about their financial position in life. They have an extra incentive for secrecy because if the truth about their financial position or will then they won’t be able to use it to manipulate people.

There may be hidden assets, or hidden debts.

Of course, a narcissist will expect others to supplement their income in life, so it doesn’t serve them to be honest about their comfortable financial position.

Most people, though, despite the narcissist’s secrecy will have an idea about what they’ve got squirreled away.

Sometimes narcissists cannot resist the temptation of bragging about what they’ve got!

It’s so important to them because it’s all they have.

But then in the next breath they will be trying to manipulate you into feeling pity for them and their financial situation.

They think they’re so clever!

These are some of the ways in which the narcissist uses their will:

Leave it all to charity

A narcissist will leave all their money and assets to charity as last snub to their child(ren) and grandchildren.

Their will remains as proof of how they truly felt.

They may do it make them look like benevolent and caring human beings, boosting their image (or so they think) even after death.

If you’ve been told you were going to get it all or even anything at all, the narcissist will relish the shock and disbelief that you will feel when the will is read.

And this is what they are after, maximum hurt and pain for you.

Perhaps they hope that you will contest the will, ensuring a long and expensive battle for you, with little hope of a positive outcome.

Leave it all to friends and nothing to family.

If a narcissist leaves all they have to friends, then it shows their priority in death, as in life, was their friends.

It is easy to be fake to friends, to pretend to be caring and nice for a short while.

The truth is shown in the family

Family is a safe place for a narcissist, or their toxic children, to be themselves.

There is enough familial fear, obligation and guilt, to ensure that the narcissist or golden child (narcissist) can be their true selves, without the truth never being revealed to anyone outside of the family.

The narcissist fights so hard to maintain their image because this is what is ‘seen’ by everyone outside of the family. Even the scapegoat believes the image that the narcissist portrays.

The toxic familial loyalty, rooted in fear, means family members are very reluctant to speak out against the narcissist.

A narcissist being anything other than jealous, vile and hate-filled is an act.

Leaving it all to friends is the final insult, friends matter but family never did.

And it doesn’t matter what you did for them whilst they lived.

If you are family, that was what you had to do, and you deserve no appreciation or love whilst they were alive or after they died.

It was your duty to serve the narcissist first and then everyone else, especially if you are the scapegoat.

After a death of a sibling your role within the family becomes clearer.

The scapegoat is the only one of the family willing to address the narcissist’s abuse.

The narcissist is never confronted about their abuse by the other family members.

Instead, each member blames the scapegoat for the narcissist’s abuse.

The narcissist set this up, so the scapegoat is everyone’s target and they rewarded those family members who also abused the scapegoat.

A family with a narcissistic parent is one of fear, each family member fears being abandoned by the narcissist.

So, if your sibling’s will hurts or upsets you, then you were the family scapegoat.

Your sibling’s anger and frustration that should have been directed at the narcissist for their abuse, shifts to the scapegoat. And their will becomes the last way they can express their anger and rage.

If you have children and they leave nothing for them, it is meant as a double sting and insult. It’s a rejection of you and your children and it’s designed to hurt. As the scapegoat of the family, your children are usually the scapegoats too.

No will left

When a narcissist leaves no will, and substantial money and assets it’s because they relish the thought of the family fighting over it after their death.

As in life, a narcissist drives a wedge between their children, so they do in death.

The golden child will feel entitled to it all.

The scapegoat will fight for their fair share (something that they never experienced before).

The lot child will hope for some recognition.

And all the children could be pitched in a fight not only against each other, but against their other parent too.

It will bring out all the childhood resentments, dislikes and even hatred between the children fostered and encouraged by the narcissist.

The narcissist will relish the thought of everyone fighting over their money and assets after their death.

Even when they are dead, the family is still focused on the narcissist.

Trust

A narcissist’s will which leaves money/assets to a trust, keeps the beneficiary beholden to the narcissist long after their death.

The beneficiary may have a monthly allowance or perhaps they have to ask for money with justification for the expenditure.

Whatever the rules for the beneficiary, the narcissist will relish the thought of still having some sort of control over their money and assets even after death.

Confusion

Some narcissists will leave a will that won’t be clear on what their last wishes are.

Or perhaps they leave multiple wills, or letters to people that contradict their will.

In this confusion the toxic family dynamic will become clear, each member will fight each other for what they want.

The narcissist will enjoy the family fighting over their money and assets.

A little something left

Perhaps there is something you will be left in the narcissist’s will.

However, as in life, when nothing was given without expectations and strings attached, so it will be in death.

They may leave you something but with unreasonable conditions. Or that costs more in one way or another. So, the ‘gift’ given is a greater burden than the actual gift itself.

Or they may leave something that is nothing but an insult. Some small piece, justified by saying it has sentimental value for you, but this will be in stark contrast in what other people get.

Whatever little something they leave, the message will be clear, you mean(t) nothing to me. And the insult is meant to be felt.

A disparity in gifts left

Narcissists are never fair.

Sometimes a narcissist will leave very different gifts to their children, grandchildrenor other family members.

These differences will mainly be in financial value, because money was the most important thing to the narcissist.

So, for example grandchildren may get gifts hugely different in financial value.

The reasons for this are many, but are mainly to serve two purposes, to reward those that made the narcissist look good, or did as they were told (golden children), and to punish those that didn’t or that the narcissist despised (scapegoat).

It is also so that the parents feel the disparity and unfairness in it.

It’s a double insult, to the children and to the grandchildren, because comparison is inevitable.

There is a message in it all, no matter the specific reasons why, and that is that the narcissist wanted to hurt and upset their family members. And, bonus for them if they cause resentment and jealousy between their family members.

Nothing left to their children, but left to their grandchildren

Some narcissists will skip their children and leave their assets to their grandchildren.

This could be to show that they don’t trust their children with the responsibility of the money or they don’t trust their children to leave it to their grandchildren on their demise.

Or it could be that their grandchildren ‘gave’ them more attention and energy and the narcissist feels that they should be rewarded for it.

This is a time when the scapegoat/golden child/lost child dynamic plays out.

Sometimes the golden child(ren) will get all the assets and money, as an outright slight to the scapegoat and/or lost child.

Or the golden child will get most of the assets, or just more than the scapegoat. Again, this is to send the message to the scapegoat how little they were regarded by their parent(s).

This scapegoat/golden child/lost child dynamic can be found between siblings but also between the narcissist’s children and their grandchildren. Their child can be a scapegoat, and the grandchild(ren) the golden child(ren).

Their will is the narcissist’s last flourish, their last act before the curtains close.

The more drama it causes the better for the narcissist, even after their death they will relish the energy and attention on them. This was their focus when they decided on the distribution of their assets.

Even better, the more hurt and upset it causes their unfortunate scapegoat(s) the better.

They punished their scapegoat in life and they do the same when they die.

None of this is about you, about you as their child, or sibling or other family member.

It is all about the nature of the narcissist, focused on hatred and causing upset and hurt.

There’s no way to mince my words-

A piece of shit in life is a piece of shit in death.

A lying, manipulative person in life, is exactly the same when they die.

Their will is a message, the last one you will ever receive from them.

The narcissist can not resist but make it very clear and plain exactly how they felt about you.

My advice- expect nothing, no matter what you’ve been told.

If you have recently experienced the death of a family member who you suspect was a narcissist then be prepared.

Whatever they told you, especially if it was favourable to you, don’t believe it or make any plans or commitments based on it.

Be prepared for drama, especially from other narcissistic, toxic or drama loving family members.

Prepare yourself to get nothing.

The golden child will expect everything and whatever it is, it’s not worth the price of your peace.

Let them have it, walk away and know that you can be free of them forever.

Grieve the family member you hoped that they could be, come to a place of acceptance and move on.

Do what it is right for you, and your immediate family, attend the funeral or not, it’s up to you.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on February 22, 2021.