The Narcissist’s Grudge

7 min readMar 15, 2021

Narcissists hold onto resentments for a very long time.

So, the chances are if you have a discussion, you will be presented with a long list of all the things you’ve done wrong. Probably since you were born.

Of course, it also makes you at fault, even if you are trying to sort out an issue you have with them!

To a narcissist someone doing anything other than what they want is unthinkable, almost a crime.

Each time someone shows that they think differently or are different, it is an affront to the narcissist. Something that is unforgiveable to them. Hence why they never forget.

It is also about power and control.

Your ‘crimes’ were also the time when the narcissist didn’t have power over you or control you.

These were the times when you did not do what they wanted you to do.

Sometimes these things are entirely fabricated or twisted to make you look bad. The stories about the ‘bad’ baby, the ‘terrible’ child and the ‘awful’ daughter.

Their smear campaign

If you are the scapegoat the narcissist will use these grudges to smear you to other people.

Anything that they can twist to fit their narrative, they will use. Anything that, of course, makes you look like a bad child or person.

The grudges will never be resolved.

There is nothing you can do to ever make it up to the narcissist.

No apology or change of behaviour will ever be enough, if you have done something wrong.

A narcissist gets too much out of holding it over your head.

It makes you feel bad, and then you are much easier to manipulate.

Even more difficult are the things that you had no control over or weren’t aware of.

But you are still expected to feel sorry and guilty for it.

And that’s what it’s all about.

It becomes tit for tat

A narcissist doesn’t want to solve the issue, especially if it’s something that you’ve raised with them.

The chances are they’ve contrived the whole situation anyway to wind you up, for attention and your energy.

However, if you address the issue with them, they will use their list of grudges against you to make it about you.

Then you are too busy defending your actions, to pursue the issue that you have with them. You’re distracted from the real issue and like the puppet-masters they are, somehow it’s all twisted around on you.

The grudge gives the narcissist power

Holding onto the resentment of a grudge and your desire to put it right gives the narcissist power, especially as they ensure that there’s no way that you can ever do so.

As you care, it is difficult to accept that you have caused pain to someone else. So, the narcissist gets an additional power rush because they don’t care, but you do.

There’s no greater feeling of superiority for a narcissist, than knowing you are emotionally invested in the relationship but they aren’t.

It makes them YOUR victim

With narcissistic abuse, the narcissist often acts the victim when they are the perpetrator.

The nature of a grudge means it that something has been done wrong against them, so the narcissist is the victim.

It manipulates other people into feeling sorry for them, convinces them that you are bad and further serves their smear campaign carried out over decades and since your birth.

Those people that believe the narcissist, are just as toxic as they are, or have emotional wounds that the narcissist is exploiting.

It means that the true victim of the abuse, is frequently the one accused and isolated.

They are right, you are wrong

To a narcissist the world is split into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ or ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

Holding a grudge makes the narcissist ‘right’ and you ‘wrong’. And it means that their anger towards you, or their treatment of you is justified, at least as far as they’re concerned.

Of course, they ensure that those around you also feel their treatment of you is justified too.

The more people they have on side, convincing them it is you that is the problem, the longer you will blame yourself and try to put things right.

It also means that you are expected to take their treatment of you because you are in the wrong.

Effectively they use their grudge against your past actions as the very thing to keep you close so that they can abuse you.

The more fear, obligation and guilt they can instil, the more they can control you, the more power they have. And the more they can abuse you.

Mistakes

Often the narcissist will bear a grudge because of a mistake you made.

The bigger and more public the mistake the greater the grudge for it. They can not bear that their image may have been tarnished as a person and as a parent.

Mistakes feel dangerous as a child of a narcissist, even into adulthood. A mistake could mean that you are abandoned by the narcissist and shunned by the rest of the family, you wouldn’t survive. As an adult it’s the childhood wound carried throughout adulthood until it’s healed.

It doesn’t matter if you are a child or not, mistakes are never to be forgotten much less forgiven.

It’s one rule for them but another for you

Of course, should the narcissist ever make a mistake, or do something to hurt you then you are expected to forget it and move on.

This will be without the narcissist ever taking responsibility for their actions, apologising or changing their behaviour.

If you mention it, you are bearing a grudge, not letting things go, rehashing the past and or being too sensitive. And then things will be twisted around onto you again.

It’s a punishment for their scapegoat

A grudge is a punishment, meted out to their scapegoat.

Each and every time the narcissist hurts their scapegoat, they feel good.

They project their faults and flaws onto their scapegoat because, momentarily, they feel better.

Narcissists can’t deal with their feelings

The incident, long past, provoked anger in the narcissist but they didn’t know how to handle it. So, it seeps out as passive aggression because a narcissist can never be honest about how they feel.

It’s all part of having a relationship with someone

A relationship with a narcissist is a one-way street, with them expecting to take, take, take.

A narcissist doesn’t really want a healthy or normal relationship, they want others to serve them.

There will be things about someone that irritate, anger, annoy, hurt or make sad about the other person but it’s how it’s handled that makes all the difference.

So, each time they are annoyed.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, much like the elusive love and approval, is something that a narcissist is not capable of.

They get attention and energy from you and everyone else if they don’t forgive. They get the chance to keep talking about it and bringing it up at every opportunity.

Other people probably think that they are still hurt, and feel sympathy.

With forgiveness comes acceptance and the end of the situation.

However, a narcissist doesn’t want the situation to end. They get too much out of keeping it going.

The chances are there is nothing to actually forgive!

A narcissist is very sensitive and takes a slight to the ego very easily. So, this incident could have been something you said or did that hurt their ego and they resented it.

You may never know what the actual problem is, the narcissist gets too much attention if they don’t tell, and the problem will never be revealed.

Conclusion

The fact is that a narcissist gets too much out of bearing a grudge.

They get their much-needed attention and energy, not just from you but from other people. This is most important to a narcissist.

How to deal with it

If the narcissist has a genuine reason to be hurt for a previous incident, then learn to forgive yourself for it.

The greater your guilt over it, the greater chance the narcissist has to exploit this guilt. It is this guilt which leaves you vulnerable to their abuse.

So, if you forgive yourself, it’s harder for the narcissist to provoke you, to control you and manipulate.

The more you interact with the narcissist over this incident or any others the greater rush the narcissist is getting from your attention and energy. And they will draw others into to make sure that there’s maximum attention and energy for them.

If you don’t know what it was all about, then give up.

You will never understand because the narcissist doesn’t want you to.

The less you engage with them the less you are wasting your energy on them.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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