The Narcissist and Their Emotional Black Hole
It doesn’t matter how much energy, time or effort you make in your relationship with a narcissist, it will never be enough.
Narcissists are an emotional black hole which will never be filled.
They need constant love and admiration
A parent with narcissistic personality disorder needs a constant supply of love, affection, admiration and respect from those around them.
They expect a lifetime of adoration and servitude from their children. Once their children become independent this supply dwindles away as their adult child forms new relationships and new priorities.
This is the natural progression of life, but a narcissist finds it deeply injuring. Some narcissists only have children to have a lifetime supply and someone who will completely surrender their life to them.
…. and they need others to supply what they can’t
Narcissists are very emotionally demanding from other people because they lack the ability to provide for themselves.
They never learn to value, respect or love themselves. And they have no desire to do so whilst they can rely on others to fulfil this need for them.
Their experiences led them to harden their heart and means that they cannot accept love from others. Or, more importantly, from themselves.
Others have to validate them
Due to their deep insecurity, they need to be surrounded by people who validate their existence and reinforce their false image.
They seek people who will adore them unquestioningly and will accept a completely one-sided relationship.
Each time a family member, friend or acquaintance expresses a desire for a more equal relationship the narcissist feels injured.
As far as they are concerned every relationship is about them, what they want and expect. The other person is there to serve.
It is rare for a narcissist to have long-term friendships. People are discarded as soon as they expect anything from the narcissist or they no longer serve the narcissists needs
An enabler allows the abuse
Sometimes an overt narcissist will find a romantic partner willing enough to endure the inevitable abuse.
Anyone willing to endure a life with a narcissist has severe problems.
Enablers allow the abuse as the narcissist scapegoats one child and the other is favoured again and again.
Their mentality is ‘anything for a quiet life’. Even if this means subjecting their own children to the abuse and using them as a shield to protect themselves.
A covert narcissist sacrifices everything……
Covert narcissists need to be with a narcissist and will sacrifice themselves and their children to stay in that relationship.
They remain with their partner no matter how badly the narcissist treats them emotionally, financially, physically or sexually.
Their need for the narcissist supersedes everything, even their own children.
The overt narcissist will take and take from the covert until there is nothing left but a shell. Then it won’t be enough, they will then just move onto the next person.
Nothing is ever good enough
Nothing you ever do will be enough for a narcissist.
They will always find fault with whatever you do because then you keep trying.
Their childhood need for love, means they demand from others
It is not possible to be what the narcissist needs because they need the impossible.
They needed the unconditional love and acceptance from their care-takers as babies.
Nothing can replace this in childhood or as adults.
They are seeking outside of themselves something that must come from within.
We cannot fill their emotional black hole, nor are we responsible for doing so. Sadly, the more you try the more it will leave you exhausted and depressed. And still, the narcissist demands more.
They will drain you
A narcissist won’t care if they leave you drained and as a result, your physical and mental health suffers.
They also don’t care if your relationships with partners, children, friends and other family members suffer.
All they want is what they want and no one else matters.
Don’t expect them to care about you at all. You will only be disappointed when their behaviour shows how much they respect and care for you.
You have the right to walk away
No matter if your narcissistic parent is ill or elderly, you have the right to walk away if caring for them is compromising your well-being, your mental or physical health or your relationships with your loved ones.
A caring parent wouldn’t expect you to sacrifice yourself for them.
A narcissistic parent feels entitled to be cared for by you because you owe them for their bringing you up. They do not have to be your problem for the rest of their days.
There are agencies and care companies to take care of the elderly or ill.
I felt exhausted trying with them
With my narcissistic parents, I felt exhausted, trying so hard for so many years to make the relationship work.
No matter what I did, it was never enough.
They got their satisfaction out of seeing me fighting singlehandedly for our relationship.
The more I tried, the less they tried. The more I explained how I felt the more they used this information against me to hurt me.
In the end, it felt better to just give up, I had enough of sending my precious energy into their emotional black holes.
It’s so much easier said than done to stop feeding their needs and their black hole but it is imperative for you.
That is if you want a peaceful and happy life.
Fear, obligation and guilt are inevitable but it’s worth pushing on through it. Then you can invest your precious time and energy with those people who appreciate it and deserve it.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on October 5, 2018.