The Narcissist and Groups

8 min readJun 7, 2022

This blog is about the narcissist within any group setting.

It could be a friendship group, work setting, sport, hobby or leisure activity, about someone’s reputation within a town or any group of people.

Seeking targets

When they first meet new people narcissists are very perceptive, they can very easily work out the people who will be vulnerable to them.

Over time they will also test people to see what they can get away with. Each test will be a little more extreme, this is to see how far they can push people.

Sadly, there are many people who are oblivious to narcissistic personality disorder and the abuse that they have suffered from parents, partners etc. These people are the unhealed, wounded and the targets of narcissists.

The narcissist will present themselves as a certain type of person, appealing to the group members. Their image is very important to them but it is all an act.

Power

They will make themselves indispensable or make the others in the group in some way reliant on them.

However, sometimes the narcissist has a position of power over others. They will exploit this power and use it to abuse and to seek attention and energy from others.

Narcissists may take on tasks or jobs that are not part of their remit. Anything that they do will be to benefit themselves, although it may appear differently.

The Smear Campaign

Another way in which narcissists exercise power over others, is in the smear campaign they carry out against people.

They will start rumours, spread gossip, lie, twist the truth and rewrite reality to make the others in the group doubt each other.

This would have started from the very beginning of their joining or the beginning of the group.

Narcissists start the smear campaign so that if anyone ever reveals their abuses, then that person has already been discredited and won’t be believed.

The smear campaign will be conducted concerning the type of group they are a member of. So, if it’s a work setting the campaign will be about their colleague’s work, or in a friendship group about what kind of friend they are etc.

Even if their target (often multiple targets) has been known within the group for a long time the narcissist can still wreak havoc.

Narcissists can sense others’ weaknesses like a shark can smell blood.

They exploit these weaknesses, using them to drive a wedge between people. It’s done so cleverly that people aren’t even aware what’s going on, and how they’ve changed towards their old friend, work colleague etc.

This campaign can do untold damage to the reputation of their target.

Anything that their target does to refute the smear campaign makes them look guilty, crazy or paranoid.

There is nothing they can do about it, despite their probable desire to do so, because the narcissist now has control. The only thing to do, although it feels counterintuitive, is to do nothing and to prove the truth by their actions.

The narcissist has planted those seeds of doubt so well, so discreetly, that people think it’s what they really think, or possibly what they’ve always thought or felt.

Triangulation

The narcissist will control the communication between the group members.

This gives them a position of power, because then they can control the narrative about each individual group member.

They can be selective with the truth or put their own twist to the situation to manipulate the other members of the group.

Effectively it gives them the ability to control how people see the other group members. Again, like the smear campaign they will exploit others’ weaknesses to sow doubt and confusion.

It also makes them the centre of the group, the focus of all the others’ attention and energy, which is what a narcissist needs.

Fear

Although the group may not be consciously aware of it, the narcissist rules using fear.

Over time the group members would have seen other group members, shunned and thrown out of the group.

Each group member understands that they could be next. So, they do all that they can to ensure their continuation in the group.

If it’s a work or business setting, then the members will worry about the consequences for their business or job.

If it’s a friendship group, then the members will be concerned about being rejected by the narcissist and the rest of the group.

Narcissists are very unpredictable.

People could become their narcissist’s target because the narcissist is bored or they want some attention and energy from people. Maybe they aren’t getting enough in the other parts of their lives.

Perhaps someone has said something that hurt the narcissist’s fragile ego. Instead of sorting out the issue, the narcissist will turn very quickly and attack. Their target may never know the real reason for the narcissists swift change.

Sometimes the narcissist may feel threatened by someone in the group. Then they turn on them, just to make sure that everyone in the group understands that the narcissist is in charge.

As far as narcissists are concerned people are either good (golden child), bad (scapegoat) or neither and ignored (lost child).

Those they think are good, are because they reflect well on the narcissist in some way. It’s also based on whatever the narcissist values. If a narcissist values money, then a rich friend is good.

The bad ones, to a narcissist, are those that don’t reflect well on the narcissist. Or those that can see through their games and don’t play.

However, a narcissist can very quickly change their mind about other people.

A good person can become bad if they upset the narcissist or lose all their money. A bad person can become good if they stroke the narcissists’ ego or gain wealth.

Narcissists thrive on conflict

The group will never really know peace.

The narcissist will seek to create the maximum drama and chaos. Often the drama will be from nowhere, and not make any sense. Or else it will be blown out of all proportion.

It is not unusual after the drama is over, for the people targeted or dragged into it to wonder what it was really all about.

It may go quiet for a while, either the lull in the cycle of abuse, or the narcissist is getting their drama fix elsewhere, but it won’t last long.

No-one in the group will ever feel secure within the group, nor accepted.

The more the narcissist can keep people on edge, the greater power and control it gives them. This is what narcissists live for.

A narcissist loves to provoke others. Their knowledge of others’ weaknesses gives them a massive advantage, they know exactly where to aim. Once someone snaps back, then the narcissist can feign ignorance and it makes their target look bad.

Narcissists change the rules

Everything is contrived to suit the narcissist.

So, if the narcissist decides something doesn’t suit them anymore, then they will just change it. No negotiation, discussion or agreement from the others in the group.

It could be that the group is long established and has their own ‘rules’ even if they are not acknowledged openly. However, the narcissist will still want to change things if they desire.

The ‘rules’ of being in the group may change to exclude people, then the narcissist can claim it’s because of the ‘rules’ not because of their preferences.

There are also social rules attached with groups, expectations of how people will behave. Usually, these rules are for the good of all the group members. The narcissist will delight in changing these rules to suit themselves.

However, with a narcissist there are also unwritten and unacknowledged rules. They will hint, or suggest these rules rather than openly speaking about them.

These rules are also subject to change at any time, with no warning and most often after someone feels that they have achieved one of the narcissists demands.

A narcissist is always a victim

The narcissist is always the victim of other people.

They present themselves as the innocent one, not understanding the conflict or problems within the group or with an individual.

A narcissist creates the problems, somehow managing to stay just far enough out of it to get the attention and energy. And somehow making it look like their victim’s fault all along.

This is where their image comes in.

The narcissist fights hard for their image and to preserve it. They know the importance of appearing to be a decent human being to other people.

As they strive so hard for their image, people believe it. They believe what the narcissist tells them.

Underneath that mask though, is a vile person, seeking to cause maximum hurt and pain wherever they go. But a narcissist knows that if they show their truth to everyone, then no-one will want to spend time with them.

The group will rally around the narcissist

The narcissist will make themselves the focus of the group. Even if they have joined a group already formed. It won’t take them long to make their way to the top.

Each member becomes reliant on the narcissist for something. It could be emotional, in a friendship group, or it could be practical, like in a work setting.

The more reliant on them the group members become, the more powerful the narcissist becomes.

They will follow the narcissist, even if it means turning on other members of the group.

So, when there’s drama or strife, the other group members are focused on the narcissist, not their victim.

The victim will be ousted from the group by the narcissist and the rest of the group will support the narcissist.

The same dynamic as the narcissistic family

This group dynamic is the repeated with the family headed by a narcissistic parent.

Conclusion

Narcissists are like very dangerous and destructive tornadoes.

Wherever they go, they leave a trail of destruction and devastation.

Groups will be fractured, broken and split where once harmony reigned.

Do not underestimate the damage that a narcissist can do, in whatever context you meet them.

If they target you, they will cause devastation in your work or business, your family life and with friends.

Their actions could have terrible consequences for you and your family.

It could mean that you have to move because the narcissist is spreading lies in your town. Or a career change because of a narcissist in a work setting.

Never take them on.

They know exactly how to manipulate and control other people. All you will do is give them more of your attention and energy, which they want.

Instead, focus your precious attention and energy on recognising what you’ve been through and healing. And then on rebuilding your life.

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