The Heavy Burden of Guilt after Narcissistic Abuse

For anyone involved with a narcissist, but especially their children, there is often a huge struggle with feeling guilt.

It is not a healthy guilt, a feeling when you’ve done something wrong. This guilt allows you to learn from the experience and -hopefully- not repeat it.

This guilt is toxic, because it applies in all situations but especially when it comes to the narcissist.

Often you can feel guilty because you don’t want to do what the narcissist, or anyone else, wants you to do.

Or feel responsible and guilty for how they feel about something you said or done, or at least how they claim to feel.

Guilt is the heavy burden that you carry, and you might not even be aware of its weight.

Conditioned from infancy

Children of narcissists are conditioned from their infancy, to consider only the narcissist.

The narcissist sets up the family so that the narcissist is the most important one, the ONLY one.

They have the power of life and death over all their family members. If the narcissist takes their love away, that family member is abandoned and may not survive.

The needs of babies and children are compromised for the narcissistic parent.

Children are deeply influenced by not just their narcissistic parent, but also the behaviour of their other parent. They reenforce the narcissistic parent’s position of authority and power because they too, are scared.

Pleasing the narcissist becomes each family members top priority.

It’s a competition between not only the children of the family, but between the other parent and their children too.

This competition, which is encouraged by the narcissist, fosters resentment, dislike and even hatred between their children. And often, between the other parent and their children too.

‘Love’ is given out by the narcissistic parent, to one family member at a time.

It is conditional love, because it is based on how the narcissistic parent has been served by that family member and can be revoked at any time.

Perhaps that family member boosted the narcissistic parent’s ego or augmented their image. They will be rewarded with the narcissist’s attention, praise and/or material possessions.

However, just as quickly as they earnt that ‘love’ it can be taken away. This could be because another family member has bolstered the narcissistic parent’s ego or image. Or because the favoured child has done something that has upset the narcissist.

Most often, there is no explanation given for the sudden change. The narcissist just changes their mind. This keeps the family members on edge, anxious and focused on the narcissist.

The narcissist also conditions their children to be easily manipulated by parentification.

The narcissist installs the guilt button, by making their child feel responsible for their emotional state, or their health situation.

This is called emotional parentification, when the child is expected to fulfil the emotional needs of their parent.

When a child takes on responsibilities beyond their age or maturity level this is instrumental parentification. This includes looking after a sick parent, before they are old enough.

Making their child feel responsible for their emotional state or for taking on too great responsibilities, gives the narcissist power and control because it makes their child easier to manipulate.

Children raised by narcissistic parents do not realise that this is unhealthy.

Often, they can continue the same feelings of responsibility into adulthood, if it’s not acknowledged and healed. It manifests as:

a near constant feeling of guilt

feeling guilty about things beyond their control or responsibility

people-pleasing

not having boundaries

always compromising themselves for other people (especially their narcissistic parent)

feeling used and not appreciated

resentful of doing for others all the time

and not being able to say no.

The narcissistic parent will not want their child to realise that their guilt is unhealthy and due to their conditioning. They want their child to feel like this because it gives them power over them.

Seeking love and approval

The child also wants to please their narcissistic parent, in their desperation for their love and approval, and is willing to compromise themselves for their parent.

Each time the child tries to please their narcissistic parent, they feel that they will earn their narcissistic parent’s love.

They could compromise in something small like whether they are going to visit their parent or bigger things like their career, choice of partner or living situation.

The narcissistic parent gives their child the impression that once they’ve done that thing, big or small, then the narcissist will finally love and approve of them.

However, once the child has done or achieved, the narcissist changes their expectations.

The narcissistic parent keeps their love and approval just out of reach.

It is the reward for their child, which the child will never earn. Their child’s constant striving for it, keeps them close to their toxic parent.

When the narcissist feels a little push back or reluctance from their child, they default to guilt mode.

Sometimes, it’s not about the actual situation, but just for the narcissist to feel superior, when they manipulate their child into doing what they want.

When they get their child to compromise themselves, the narcissistic parent feels that they’ve won.

It’s also an opportunity for a narcissistic parent to see how much their child loves and cares for them. Again, it makes them feel superior because they don’t- can’t — feel the same. When they see that someone cares for them, it makes them sneer, to them love is a weakness to be exploited.

Narcissistic parents are entitled

A narcissistic parent feels entitled to whatever they want. They expect it with no question, no compromise and certainly no consideration of anyone else.

When their child does not want what they want, it calls into question the narcissist’s entitlement, which makes them angry.

This anger may manifest as shouting and rage, or a cold rage like the silent treatment.

In either case, this is to scare their child into submission and into doing whatever the narcissist wants.

The child will feel guilty and afraid because they’ve hurt and upset their parent. And, most often, will concede to their parent to feel better.

Guilt is a heavy and unpleasant emotion

Often, it is easier to go along with the narcissistic parent because guilt feels so unpleasant.

This is exactly why the narcissist uses it as their default manipulation tool.

A narcissist knows exactly how to make their child feel guilty, they installed the toxic guilt and they use it for their own advantage.

Most often, children of narcissist don’t even realise how they’re being manipulated in this way. They are so habituated to it, it’s their normal, it’s been that way since their birth.

It’s not just narcissistic parents that exploit this guilt, it’s other narcissists. Narcissistic partners, friends, colleagues, bosses, neighbours, clients, any narcissist will pick up on this guilt and use it for their gain.

What to do?

Guilt is something you carry around until you realise its burden.

So, the first thing to acknowledge is that you feel an unhealthy amount of guilt, especially over things beyond your control.

It might be that you feel guilty when you get angry, or when someone else does.

These things are symptoms of repressing your feelings as a child and feeling responsible for everyone else.

Once you realise you feel this unhealthy guilt, you can recognise it when it comes up again. The more you can identify the patterns of this guilt, the more you can work through it.

Guilt is a habit.

Living with a narcissist, guilt is the habit of a lifetime.

Habits are breakable.

Once you’ve started to recognise the heavy burden of guilt you’re under, it frees you.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on November 22, 2022.