The Grieving Process After No Contact

Making the decision to go no contact is a huge decision to process.

I believe that there is no-one that would choose no contact.

It is the result of many years of struggling in the relationship and trying everything you can.

Often the decision is made because you realise that they will never take responsibility for their actions apologise and change.

Effectively you are left with no choice.

There is a grieving process after no contact. This may seem strange because your narcissistic parent is still alive.

However, like a death, going no contact means the end of the relationship.

Grieving the end of the relationship

No matter how abusive your parent was to you, they are still your parent.

I don’t believe that any child would ever choose to go no contact with their parent.

We humans have a deep need to belong and be accepted, even if that means belonging to a toxic family.

Once you go no contact, you are choosing to break off from your parent.

Being the child of a narcissist means that you have a deep fear of abandonment, instilled and nurtured by the narcissist.

From a very early age you were taught that your very survival depended on the narcissist.

Your childhood would have been spent in ensuring the narcissist was as stable as possible.

If you don’t process this in adulthood, this fear of abandonment continues.

This is even if you are entirely independent of your narcissistic parent.

Making the decision to go no contact, can reawaken this fear of abandonment. Everything comes up to be processed.

The grief can feel extreme because it’s not just about grieving the end of the relationship but also processing your abandonment issues.

There is also no societal understanding of abusive or narcissistic parents, and a child’s decision to go no contact.

You can feel very, very alone.

It is especially hard around the holidays when people are discussing their plans with family to celebrate.

Grieving the end of other relationships

No contact often doesn’t mean just no contact with your narcissistic parent.

It can also mean that you go no contact with your entire family.

As the entire family are tied in with the toxicity, they will often rally around to protect the narcissist.

This serves two purposes for those family members, to try to keep the narcissist as stable as possible and to avoid taking on the role of the scapegoat.

Frequently siblings will invalidate your experiences, dismiss your feelings and show no concern.

They are not interested in supporting you, all they want to do is maintain the status quo with the narcissist. If the scapegoat breaks free, the narcissist must find someone else to take on that role.

Effectively the decision to go no contact with your narcissistic parent, also means no contact with the rest of the family.

Perhaps you thought that your siblings would support you and perhaps go no contact, sadly, however, this is rare.

Narcissists ensure that their children do not get on. They don’t want them to be a united force against the narcissist.

Grieving the ‘good’ parent

Narcissists can pretend to be a good parent. (see my blog The ‘Good’ Parent Act by a Narcissist)

However, this is a pure act and is just to keep you engaged and involved with them.

If they were their true vile selves all the time, no-one would want to be near them.

Then they wouldn’t have the attention that they desperately need.

So, they put on this act, this pretence to make you think that they are capable of being the parent that you want and need.

Going no contact is really a kind of acknowledgement, even if you are unaware, that they can not be this good parent.

There had always been this hope, in you, that they would be a good parent. That they would give you their love and approval and everything would be great.

However, there is probably a part of you, that knew that there was something wrong with them.

A narcissistic parent makes you feel that you have to do or be something to earn their love.

Then once you do or become that thing then they change their minds, leaving you reeling, confused and wondering what you have to do.

The sad truth is that they are incapable of loving anyone.

And if they didn’t love you when you were a baby, the chances are that they will never love you.

So, a part of this grieving process, is grieving the parent that you hoped you had. Grieving the good mother, who would love you, the good dad who accepted you.

It isn’t always immediate.

Sometimes it takes a while for the hope to fade.

Grieving your childhood

Once you realise that you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse in childhood, you realise how much of your childhood was spent in trauma.

Then you realise how different your childhood would have been with different parents and a different family.

There is a grieving process to go through, as you grieve all the opportunities you missed out on, all the safety and security you should have experienced.

A childhood spent in the trauma of having a narcissistic parent and toxic family doesn’t give you the same opportunities to grow and develop.

Most importantly you grieve that you never received the love and acceptance from your family that you deserved, just for being you.

Perhaps also you grieve the lost relationships and friendships, denied you by your parents.

Those family members that you never had contact with because you were lied to about them. The friends you didn’t connect with because your parent told you lies.

Narcissist parents want you isolated, because then you are more vulnerable to their abuse.

It’s a process to go through this because there’s so much to work through.

Your whole life can feel like a lie, because of what you’ve been told to led to believe by the narcissist.

This can make you feel like your whole world has been turned upside down.

Society doesn’t understand

Something that is quite difficult as you go no contact is people’s ignorance about narcissistic abuse.

Unlike a real death, when people express their condolences and offer their support, no-one understands when you go no contact.

In fact, they often invalidate your experiences with comments like ‘you’ll never have another mother’, ‘blood is thicker than water’ or ‘I’m sure that she loves you’.

Even mental health professionals don’t fully understand what narcissistic abuse is and can do further damage because they don’t understand.

This is something that you have to do on your own and that can make it much more difficult.

It can make you feel that you are the only one and very alone.

However, there are a lot of people out there who have suffered narcissistic abuse and understand.

In general, I can say that the people I have come across who have suffered, are some of the most compassionate and caring people I’ve ever met.

There is also the general societal view that families are close and loving. And that parents are always loving and accepting.

This is especially apparent when it comes to the holidays when families celebrate together.

These times can be especially hard, as well as birthdays and family celebrations.

What can I do?

The most important thing to do is to realise that this grief will pass with time.

It is a stage of your healing process.

The more you can process how you are feeling the better for you. Anything you stuff down or try to ignore will only come up at a later date.

If you know that you have difficulties expressing your sadness or anger, then work on this.

You will know because these are the things that you weren’t ‘allowed’ to do within your family.

Perhaps you were angry once and met your narcissistic parent’s rage in return. Or you were sad and mocked for it, told to not be a cry baby or accused of being manipulative.

You are not alone.

No contact for me

For me no contact was once I realised that my father was a narcissist.

It wasn’t so hard to go no contact with him.

We had had a difficult relationship for years, but especially since I’d become an adult.

However, it was difficult because he was still with my mother. And there was a part of me that hoped maybe we could still have a relationship.

When I first went no contact, I would open any packages that came from my mother addressed for my son.

I would hope for something in there, something of meaning.

A letter with an apology, taking responsibility for her actions.

Maybe a gift, with a special meaning.

Or something that was expensive, so I knew that I was worth her spending her money.

After 6 months of these infrequent packages, I had just frantically ripped another package open when I realised something.

There was never going to be what I wanted in that package.

Right there, outside my front door, with the packet like confetti around me, I realised that I had to let go. That I had to stop torturing myself with the hope.

Was I sad?

No, I think I was more resigned to it.

For a start the packages always came addressed to my son, like she could bypass her own daughter and still have a relationship with her grandson.

My mother had done the damage to our relationship years ago.

It wasn’t until I had my son that I realised how bad things were. I wasn’t bothered if she was there when he was born. And I didn’t care about her being with us at all.

For years previously she had shown me, in little and big ways, that she didn’t care about me.

So, the lack of anything for me in these packages were just confirmation of what I had always thought.

All hope died in me that day.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on November 23, 2021.