The Greatest Power That a Narcissist Has Over You
It is a very difficult thing to process and accept, that a narcissist does not have the same intentions or agenda when it comes to your relationship.
You are coming from a place of love, you care for them, and are looking for that same deep connection from them.
A narcissist does not come from the same place.
As narcissists are incapable of forming genuine and sincere attachments to others, they are not coming from a place of love. They are too selfish to be able to love anyone.
All that really matters to a narcissist is that they get what they want from other people. That others serve them, whatever they need, even if it’s just attention and energy. They need this energy from others, or they fear they won’t survive.
So, for the narcissist it is about how you serve them and how your relationship gives them what they want.
This is why a narcissist can just walk away, they haven’t got the same deep emotional connection.
Love
It is love, your love for them that keeps you engaged with a narcissist.
They know this and exploit it for their own advantage.
Often, you will put their needs and wishes above your own, in a desperate attempt to get them to understand how much you care. But it will never be enough.
A narcissist will take your love and throw it back in your face, telling you it’s not good enough. It doesn’t matter what you do, the sacrifices you make, the ways in which you compromise, the narcissist will always find fault.
If you are looking to them for an expression of love, they will make sure that’s not what you get. Should you look for support and compassion, they will start a row with you.
As you pour your love and caring into them, they give nothing back. In fact, less than nothing, they use it as an opportunity to abuse you.
Over time you will try to turn yourself into the person you think that they want you to be. But they will still spit you out and complain that it’s still not enough.
It becomes a desperate battle to get them to love and approve of you.
There will be moments when you get a glimpse of what you think that they are or could be. For a brief spell, they will be everything that you want, but something will suddenly shift.
This short period of time is when the narcissist will fake whatever you want them to be.
They know exactly what you are looking for, they will have worked out your weaknesses or pain points long ago. With a narcissistic parent, they would have planted those seeds themselves and nurtured them over the years.
A more calm and peaceful time will always follow the height of the abusive period.
The narcissist, satiated after their attack on you and convinced that you will continue to stick around and take it, will become more placid. They’ve had what they wanted, at least for a while.
It is during this time, that they will continue to make an effort with you, so you stay with them.
They put on the act, because they know that you will continue to be with them if they pretend for a while. It’s as if they give a little hint of what they could be, only to snatch it away in punishment against you.
When they change and the act stops, it will always be your fault in some way. That way you are continually engaged with them, trying, and if you think that you are responsible for it, then you can make it so that the ‘good one’ comes back. The power lies with you.
The narcissist’s real power over you is your love for them.
This deep emotional connection you have with them, is the reason you keep on coming back.
Your relationship is bad, terrible even, but still you keep on trying, because you don’t want to give up on your love.
The narcissist knows that.
When they put on the act, for that brief time, they can pretend that they love you.
They hate this time, they hate having to make the effort, hate the discomfort that it brings them because it’s so against their true nature. It’s a real effort for them, and it can’t be sustained for long, before their true vile nature comes out.
Sadly, the truth is, the vile person, the one spitting in rage or being cold in silence, being hurtful and relishing your pain is the real them.
It so hard to believe it, because their act is so convincing. Their act is so accurate, exactly what it is that you want and need from them.
Understand too, that if they were their true vile selves all the time, then they would have no-one. There wouldn’t be anyone that would stick around for that. The narcissist must have people, to feed from their energy, or else they fear they will not survive.
The deeper your emotional connection with them, the greater ability the narcissist has to cause you pain.
They also have a greater chance of you hanging around, if you feel that deep connection to them.
You are then the perfect target for them, vulnerable in your love for them, willing to take a lot to try to make it work, and ripe for their abuse over and over.
For a narcissist, love is a weakness to be exploited. Your love for them, is the very thing that they use to abuse you.
It is difficult to untangle the emotions from your relationship with a narcissist.
So often, they provoke pity in you.
They will feed you some sob story about how they were hurt in the past or some way in which they suffered. Your beautiful, tender and compassionate heart hears that and seeks to do all it can to heal them and love them through it.
This story, though, is a lie.
It is their excuse, their hold on you, as you sacrifice all that is you for them. Whatever you think they want you will do or be, and your focus is to help them in their pain.
Their focus is to have a compassionate and empathic heart to hurt. They will relish the opportunity.
Every time you go back to them and forgive them, ignore their behaviour, hope it will get better and you’ll see the loving version of them, they know that next time they can push it a little more.
This is how things escalate, drip, drip, drip over time.
Over time, the brief spells of their ‘good’ act will become shorter or further apart. They don’t need to bother if they know that they’ve got you where they want you.
Everything is always about them. How hurt they are, how much pain they’re in and how they’ve suffered. And because all you see is them, you’ve been put to one side long ago, you go along with it.
Your sole focus is them.
Their sole focus is them.
If at any time you dare to speak out, share how things are affecting you, try to talk it out, you will be accused of all manner of things.
Somehow, you trying to work it out will descend into another huge row, leaving you reeling.
You’re stuck, frozen at a point in time where what you think they are, and how they are acting are very different. Too different. Thinking about it makes you feel deeply uncomfortable. If anyone else raises it with you, to support you, you will become defensive. It may even cost you other relationships and friendships.
By this point, however, you could be completely reliant on them. It’s all a part of their plan, the more reliant on them you are, the more likely you are to stay. You are cornered.
However, there is often a way out.
But a narcissist will make you feel trapped by hopelessness and helplessness.
The only way out, is to push through those feelings and realise that you do have options, even though they may be very unappealing. Maybe it’s having to rely on family or friends you’ve upset since you’ve been blinded by the narcissist or going to a shelter.
Please get out, save yourself.
If anything resonates with you in this blog, or you need support, then please reach out to me.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on August 16, 2022.