The ‘Good’ Parent Act by a Narcissist

4 min readFeb 22, 2019

Narcissists will keep you hooked into the relationship by pretending to be the parent that you want and need.

They know exactly what they are doing, and how to manipulate you into believing them.

Occasionally a narcissist understands that they need to play nice for a while and this is when they act like the parent that you want.

They know exactly what it is that you want because they have made sure that you aren’t going to get it, so they just do the opposite of their natural (vile) behaviour.

Play nice when you start pulling away

Often, they bring out this act when they sense that you are distancing yourself from them, them being nice makes you doubt yourself and allow them to be close again.

The act doesn’t last long, they want to make you feel like crap, and they will default to this again at some stage. This is a part of the cycle of abuse.

‘Good’ parent as a reward

The good parent act is like the treat that they use to reward you as well.

Perhaps you have done something that has reflected well on them as a parent or some achievement that gives them bragging rights or you are in public and they want to look good.

These things are enough for them to make the effort at being a good parent, you have rewarded them, done something that they liked so you can be rewarded with some affection or attention.

It’s your fault when they change

It never lasts long, the good parent act, because it is so difficult for them to keep going against their nature.

And, of course, you will do something that makes them wish to punish you again because their bad behaviour is blamed on you. Somehow it will be all your fault that they can’t be the parent that you want them to be.

The truth is that it is not possible for them to be the parent that you want because they don’t have the ability or desire. They are deeply flawed people who lack the very basic ability to be human.

Hope for our ‘good’ parent keeps us close

Hoping that our parents will change is one of the big reasons why we keep on trying for so long.

We think that it is up to us to make them change and that if we wait long enough they will magically turn into a great mother or father.

The sad truth is that they should have wanted to be a good parent from the moment that they knew they were going to have children.

Them not being a decent parent is not the fault of their child, it is entirely their fault. They are not normal or natural to treat their children as they do.

It takes a long time to realise that the ‘good’ parent act is the fake one.

During this time you will need to have a lot of patience and understanding with yourself. It is a huge thing to process, and the death of that hope is a very sad day.

The grieving process

It is a grieving process to get through, grieving the good parent that you thought you had.

We are so desperate to see the good in people, and in particular our parents, and find it easier to blame ourselves for their faults than to accept that they are such flawed people that cannot love.

It takes time and working through a lot of emotions to grieve, often these emotions have been stuffed down for a long time.

Finding a safe place to vent your anger, and sadness is very important. It can feel dangerous to feel these emotions especially if you were ridiculed as a child for being sad or angry, but it is absolutely essential.

Writing things out in a journal helps, having a good vent in there is private and allows you to get out some of the frustration and resentment.

I find watching sad films an excellent release for my sadness, it’s a safe place when I can let out some emotions and not be judged.

As I mentioned before it is so important to take this journey at your pace and to be kind and considerate to yourself.

There is no rush to make any realisations or do anything about it. There is no need for haste during the grieving process. It must all happen in its natural time.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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