The Drama Dynamic in a Narcissistic Family
Living with a narcissist, is a life of constant drama and chaos.
Narcissists need the attention and energy of other people, it feeds them and makes them feel alive.
If things are peaceful and safe, then there is little attention and energy from other people, so the narcissist will create drama and chaos.
They are either the centre of the disruption or have caused it by stirring between other people.
It gives them a sense of superiority; they know that they have contrived it all and other people have gone along with their plans.
A narcissist understands the emotional dynamic between other people and that people have with them. They exploit this dynamic for the maximum stress and distress.
They are themselves, incapable of feeling the same emotions for other people, because they don’t care about anyone else.
Knowing that other people have these emotions, give them another sense of the superiority.
They see others as weak for the love they have for others and for themselves. For them, it’s the chance to hurt and cause pain because the greater the emotional connection between people, the greater chance for drama and chaos.
It doesn’t matter the connection to them, the narcissist will exploit them.
Everyone is used by the narcissist, especially their own children.
Their children’s need for their love and approval will be used by the narcissist. This need keeps their children close to them, constantly striving for the unachievable.
A child’s desperate need for love, is an excellent source of attention and energy for a narcissist.
If there is more than one child, there is also the opportunity for the narcissist to create drama and chaos between their children. Siblings from a narcissistic family rarely get on, instead there is jealousy and resentment nurtured and encouraged by the narcissist.
The drama dynamic within the family, will always follow the same pattern.
Usually the narcissist will start it, even if it doesn’t appear that they have. They are very clever at manipulating people, controlling them without other people even being aware of it.
Or else, they will take someone else’s drama and make it all about them.
However it starts, the sequence of events will be the same. This would have been a long-established pattern.
Everyone will take on their roles.
The ways in which the members of the family behave, are all approved by the narcissist. They are still, and always, the centre of the toxic family setup.
The narcissist will do certain things, perform their role.
It may be that they get drunk, go off on their own, become silent or shout or even threaten or hint at committing suicide.
Whatever it is, it will make the situation all about them, even if it was someone else that raised an issue.
The other family members will enable this, they understand and seek to win favour with the narcissist.
The more that they make it about the narcissist, the more they pander to the performance, the more the narcissist will be pleased with them.
Within the narcissistic family, it is clear that the narcissist is in charge. The family members are all reliant on the narcissist for their survival.
The henchman
There will be one family member who quickly assesses the situation and takes action.
This is usually the person that will stir up trouble, the narcissist’s henchman. The one that sees how the situation doesn’t match the narcissist’s image or hurts their delicate and fragile ego.
They then use this information to rile up the narcissist, whilst simultaneously boosting the narcissist’s ego and inflating their self-image.
This is their toxic dynamic.
It’s not really about how hurt the narcissist is, it’s about the narcissist and their henchman both exploiting the situation for both their gain.
Both of them know exactly what is happening. Each of them relishes the drama. Neither care about the truth or about people getting hurt.
The henchman may be a narcissist themselves or be toxic. It may appear that they are acting on behalf of the narcissist, but really they are exploiting the situation for their own need for attention and energy.
If the narcissist and their henchman are craving attention and energy, this is how the situation comes out of nowhere. Either of them will either create a problem from nothing or use a situation to create maximum drama.
It is also how things escalate so quickly, between them they are a toxic combination.
Rallying around
The narcissist not only exploits the situation for drama and attention but also to rally their troops.
It’s an opportunity for them to see who is on side, because people will be expected to choose a side.
Of course, the expectation is that they will choose the narcissist, whatever the truth about the situation. The family has already been setup to favour the narcissist, each family member understands that.
It’s a power trip for the narcissist, they get to reassert their control over their family members.
Anyone unsure or considering the side they choose, will be punished by the narcissist either immediately or at some unknown point in the future. They may become the next target. It won’t be forgotten by the narcissist.
The family also understand that the narcissist is dangerous, without the narcissist they may not survive.
It’s to everyone’s benefit to keep the narcissist as stable as possible. The narcissist is unpredictable and erratic, but if they are appeased and feel that things are going their way, the family are safer.
However, the family is out for themselves individually. Each member will sacrifice someone else for themselves. Even the narcissist’s partner, the other parent, will sacrifice their children.
Each one will seek to be the one that wins the narcissist’s favour, they become the golden child. So, as the situation escalates, they will make sure that the narcissist knows that they have their support.
The ‘Helper’ or flying monkey
Other people will also be roped into the narcissistic family drama.
These people are often well meaning but have been manipulated by the narcissist. They buy the narcissist’s lies and twisted reality without question.
In some way they feel sorry for the narcissist, or it raises issues of their own which they feel uncomfortable about.
The narcissist will reel these people in because the more people, the more attention and energy from other people. And they also know exactly how to manipulate these people, they are under their control.
The ‘helper’ will not be interested in hearing the other side of the situation. They will be used as a messenger from the narcissist, to serve them and get that person back.
The diverter
The narcissist’s family members will be very sensitive and aware of the narcissist’s moods.
So, they will be able to see very quickly what the narcissist wants or needs and seek to ensure that they get it.
It might be that the narcissist is in a bad mood and starts their chaos with the diverter or the diverter’s favourite or golden child.
However, the diverter diverts that abuse to someone else in the family.
They will start bad-mouthing another family member, usually the narcissist’s scapegoat. They will lie and twist reality with no compunction, their priority being to make sure that they or their favourite don’t get the narcissist’s wrath.
If they divert it towards the scapegoat, the narcissist is likely to go along with it.
Not because they are sincerely angry about the situation but because they hate their scapegoat, and don’t really need any excuse to be vile to them.
Sometimes the diverter has the same scapegoat, because they are also narcissist themselves. So, it gives them a thrill to see their scapegoat being punished, knowing that they caused it and they, or their favourite, aren’t getting the abuse.
It could also be that the diverter will anger the narcissist for their own gain.
If the scapegoat has done something to upset them, the diverter will punish them through manipulating the narcissist into abusing the scapegoat.
Between the two of them, the narcissist and the diverter they make a toxic dynamic.
Often people who take on this role are covert narcissists.
They have their own scapegoat and golden child, which may not be the same as the overt narcissist.
The priority for the covert narcissist is to protect themselves and their golden child and ensure that their scapegoat gets all the punishment from the narcissist.
Just like narcissists knows other peoples’ weaknesses, so the covet narcissist knows the overt narcissist’s aggravation points.
They will exploit them for their own gain, even though it means that one of their own children is abused. It doesn’t matter to them, as long as they and their golden child are safe.
Living within a narcissistic family is not just a drama-fest, but a drama-fest directed at the scapegoat.
None of the things that the scapegoat is accused of are as bad, or actually cause the distress that the narcissist claims. It’s all about the narcissist getting attention and energy.
Drama is the focus of the family, because it feeds the narcissist.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on August 2, 2022.