The Crippling Effects of Helplessness from Narcissistic Abuse
It’s a common thing from narcissistic abuse to feel utterly helpless, and to feel trapped in it.
Sometimes that feeling can last months, even years, perhaps even into decades.
However, what I want you to understand is that this feeling is directly from the abuse that you’ve suffered.
That helplessness keeps you trapped, trapped with the narcissist and trapped not recovering if you’ve broken free.
It’s a dead energy, offering you nothing, making everything a challenge, even the basic functions of life.
But it’s NOT you.
If you’re still in contact with the narcissist, the helplessness keeps you trapped with them. And it won’t shift because the narcissist doesn’t want it to.
Narcissists make you feel helpless, useless, incapable, weak and pathetic. These things keep you in contact with them and a target for their abuse.
It’s so subtle, you may not even be aware that’s how you feel, or that it’s not you.
The narcissist plants the seed, the first feeling of helplessness, and then then water it, nurture it until it grows and grows.
It’s not just helplessness with the narcissist though, it’s often expressed in every aspect of your life. Incapable in your job, stagnating in your relationships, pathetic in your family life, unable to do anything that brings you joy.
Narcissists want you miserable. They relish it. The more miserable you are, the better they feel.
So, this helplessness is EXACTLY what they want you to feel. FOREVER.
They are terrified of you feeling any different, because then you might break free. Or at least change the dynamic so that they are no longer in charge.
Narcissists are all about power and control.
Your helplessness gives them ALL the power and control. And it’s not just over your relationship with them, it’s in EVERY aspect of your life.
It makes you feel stuck.
Stop sharing with them, all it does is give them the ammunition to use to hurt you, to scupper your plans, to destroy your dreams.
Of course, they encourage you sharing with them. They want you to share your problems, your hopes and fears with them, because it gives them greater ability to be able to hurt you.
Over-sharing is a symptom of narcissistic abuse.
A narcissist makes it feel scary to not share with them, that you’ll get into big trouble with them if you don’t. Even if it means that you have to betray someone else, they won’t care.
The deeper they get into your head and the more they know about you, the greater damage they can do to your life.
It’s a boundary issue.
You have a right to privacy, although the narcissist won’t ‘allow’ it and certainly won’t like it.
To them privacy, is secrecy, because you’re up to no good. But this is a projection of what THEY are up to. It tells you what THEY are doing, an insight into the way that their mind works.
The more you try to have boundaries, the greater challenge it is to the narcissist. And the greater battle you will have with them.
A narcissist will never respect your boundaries.
That is why, we are often left with no other choice than no contact.
Your helplessness is a result of not having any boundaries with the narcissist. And over-sharing with them.
To someone who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse, has never experienced it or is in denial about it, it can seem strange how things get so bad.
But it’s different when you are pulled into their world.
Over time, it’s never a quick process, the narcissist strips away your ability to consider yourself. They make themselves the ONLY one.
Your priority is them; they are the centre of the world you have together. Maybe you need to prove your love, fix them, or maybe you’re looking for love and approval from them.
But it’s never enough, never enough love or care.
It feels like the helplessness is yours and an integral part of you.
But this is only because you are so used to it, it’s been encouraged and nurtured by the narcissist the whole time you’ve had contact with them.
A narcissistic parent doesn’t want you independent of them. So, they make you feel incapable and useless.
With a narcissistic partner, they want you reliant on them completely. Then you are trapped with them.
They create a situation where they are the only one that you believe or trust.
Over time they lie, twist things, re-write reality and gaslight you about your other relationships.
Using triangulation, they control the communication between you and other people, then they can control how each person thinks about the other.
Awareness is essential, once you realise that you’ve been manipulated into feeling this way.
You’ve been manipulated into feeling helpless.
Being aware of how you feel, and how the narcissist gains from it, is very important.
For you, you’re stuck, sad, frustrated, but incapable of doing anything about it. Life stagnates and feels hopeless.
For the narcissist, they’ve still got you as the target for their abuse. You’re exactly where they want you.
It’s also a pattern of behaviour, one that you’ve had for years, maybe decades. It’s easy to slip into it, again and again.
As it’s a pattern, it feels familiar, and comfortable. And right, like it’s the way to feel.
Coming out of that pattern feels strange, wrong even. But it’s only because you are changing the habit of a lifetime.
As soon as you see the benefits of not feeling helpless, or not allowing it to consume you and overwhelm, it empowers you.
For me, I feel indignant when I think that I’ve been manipulated into feeling helplessness. A part of me is angry about it too.
This energy feels so much better than feeling helpless.
You can use it, for your own good!
Even if to start with it feels strange, uncomfortable and wrong, when those familiar feelings come up, it’s worth persisting.
In my healing process, I used my indignance and anger to rocket me out of helplessness. I was determined that I wouldn’t feel it again. It was pivotal in my healing process.
Sure, it started off that I wanted to prove them wrong about me. Mainly that I could survive, and even thrive without them.
But over time, it became a habit, I felt less stuck and less helpless, and able to reach out for help if I needed that extra support.
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