The Cold Narcissist- The Subtle Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
Not all narcissists are screaming, angry people who vent their rage on those unfortunate enough to be around them.
Some narcissists have a much colder way of showing their displeasure or anger at you.
These cold angry narcissists are much more difficult to identify because it is much more subtle.
70–93% of all communication is non-verbal.
Their conscious or subconscious negative thoughts are shown through their body language and facial expressions.
So, their non-verbal behaviour shows how they really feel about us.
They can deny how they really feel
It also means that their true intentions/feelings behind their non-verbal cues are deniable.
It’s our fault that we took their coldness as dislike or discomfort.
That is exactly how they wanted us to take it.
It was the intention behind it.
They feel smug and superior because when they are cold, we show we are hurt by reacting and then they blame us for it. It’s all a part of their sick game.
Children of narcissists are very sensitive about others’ non-verbal communications
It comes from a childhood (and adulthood) of reading our parents faces to establish if we are in trouble or not.
Being sensitive in this way meant that we could appease our narcissistic parent before they were angry enough to abandon us.
It’s about survival.
The silent treatment
This is the cold narcissist’s weapon of choice.
A narcissist will use the silent treatment to express their anger at you. It could go on for days, weeks or even months.
Perhaps you said or did something that didn’t reflect well on them. Or perhaps their very sensitive ego was hurt by something you said or did.
Either way you will never know and this is where the narcissistic power lies.
Narcissists don’t want to resolve any issues
A narcissist will never discuss their problems with you, or the problem that they have with you.
If you knew what the issue was you could do something about it. Not knowing keeps you on your toes and second guessing yourself. This gives them power and control over you.
Then you strive to find other ways to please them and they get your attention and energy. Not to mention an ego boost from your pleasing them and a kick knowing that they have all the power and control.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough for a narcissist.
Constantly making you feel not good enough is the narcissists secret weapon. As we are striving for their love and approval to keeps us trying with them.
We think that we have some influence over them giving us the approval and love we need.
The truth is that we don’t.
They hold it and use it against us it keeps us engaged with them, close enough to abuse.
No contact and the silent treatment
Perhaps you are no contact and have not heard anything from your narcissistic parent.
It could be that they are the ignoring narcissist.
Perhaps it could be that they are giving you the silent treatment in punishment, hoping it’ll bring you back begging for them.
If you are getting the silent treatment in no contact, it’s because they are trying to take back power.
Once you’ve gone no contact, the narcissist can’t stand it because you are calling the shots. You’ve ‘won’ in their eyes. So, if they make it that it is them that’s gone no contact or giving the silent treatment they feel like they’ve won.
Narcissists don’t want to work at the relationship.
They prefer their toxic ways of dealing with problems because it gives them the power and attention.
The silent treatment will be broken only when the narcissist wants something from you. It could be that they want something practical or just that they want attention from you.
Whatever their reason for resuming communication, you will never find out why you got the silent treatment.
Cold body language
There are many ways in which a narcissist shows their feelings towards you through their body language.
It could be that they stiffen and turn away if you are close to them.
Sometimes they cross their arms or legs when speaking to you or turn away from you. This can show separateness from you.
Or they show other signs that they are disinterested in you or cold towards you such as: fiddling with things, yawning, looking around the room, give no responses or looking at something else or into space.
There is also how they touch us, or not, that can convey a lot about how the truly feel about us. A pat on the shoulder or a tight grip on the arm can convey a lack of care or a threat.
There is also physical distance, between the narcissist and you, which shows a coldness and distance. Especially if you are talking about something personal or important to you.
A narcissist will also use their posture, bearing, stance, and the subtle movements to show their anger/coldness.
Their true feelings will also been shown through their gestures.
We will pick up on anything that they do that shows that they are cold towards us. Even slight movements will be enough to notice.
My father and his hugs
My father insisted on a hug and kiss every time we met and every time we parted.
Hugging my father was like hugging a plank. He would tense his whole body as I hugged him. And he would turn slightly too.
It was like a form of torture.
This apparent show of affection was used against me every time I saw him. I was affectionate, and instead I got the cold shoulder.
If I didn’t do it, he would make a comment about it. And then I would do it out of a sense of obligation.
Believe me, though, I felt his coldness and rejection very time. And this is why he insisted on it.
Facial expressions
The face is very expressive and can show people’s emotions without having to speak.
A narcissist will show their true feelings with their facial expressions.
Perhaps they don’t meet your eyes are you are talking or look off to the side or down.
A slight knitting of the brow could mean that they were getting irritated.
Sometimes they could purse their lips, showing disapproval.
My father could silence me with just the rise of an eyebrow. It was all it took such was his power and control he had over me. And the fear I had of his moods.
The voice
A narcissist will use the tone of their voices or the way that they say something to express their displeasure at us.
They will: use sarcasm, pauses, timing, volume, be condescending/patronising, sound bored or uninterested or use an inappropriate emotion for the conversation.
So, whilst the actual words may sound acceptable, it is the way that they are spoken that tells us how they are feeling.
Again, this is completely deniable, ‘I didn’t say that’ but we know the manner in which it was said meant something different than the words.
Passive-aggressive
A narcissist will never be truthful and tell you how they feel about your or your relationship.
Problems will be hidden and not dealt with.
A narcissist will make excuses or blame others about their behaviour and never take responsibility.
They will be obstructive and refuse to discuss the issues.
Then they will play the victim.
They hide their anger under passive-aggressive behaviour.
If they were honest there would be the chance of forming a genuine, caring and loving relationship. They don’t want this.
All they want is power and control.
Keeping you on the backfoot about your relationship serves them.
Being passive-aggressive allows them to vent some of their anger instead of dealing with it.
It also creates drama and the attention that narcissists need so much.
They may crash around the kitchen, huffing and puffing, because they have to cook for you.
Perhaps they do some work for you, but it will be done with bad grace.
Or else they will do such a bad job, you’ll have to redo it afterwards. And be so grateful to them for doing it.
My father and the new doors
My father used my home coming from giving birth to my son as the perfect opportunity to fit some new interior doors in our house.
He had had five days previously to do all the work but he waited until we came home with a newborn.
None of the doors fit, so they had to be planed off. It makes a terrible noise and a lot of dust and mess.
Together with many other little thing I lost it and threw my parents out of the house.
When we looked at the doors, he had planed the bottom off too much and had had to stick it back on! He had deliberately planed too much off those doors to distress me.
It was a test, to see if I would take his unreasonable behaviour. All of it when I came out of hospital was to see if I would allow him to behave terribly now my son was born. He would then behave terribly to me, my husband and my child.
His power trip didn’t work. I threw him out. And then, after low contact, went no contact when I realised about narcissistic personality disorder.
Kissing hair
In France it was the greeting (before covid) to embrace or kiss on the cheek.
One narcissist that was in a class with would turn her head when I went to kiss her cheek. I ended up kissing her hair until I took the hint and stopped greeting her.
It was meant with one purpose- to show her displeasure with me.
If she thought I bothered she must have been disappointed! I didn’t like greeting her anyway!
I hope that this blog helps you identify some of the very subtle ways in which you have been abused by a narcissist.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on November 17, 2020.