Something Important to Understand About Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
A narcissist does not have the power that they want you to believe they have.
It sounds so easy and simple to understand, doesn’t it?
However, it can take a long, long time to really understand this.
For the entire length of your involvement with a narcissist, there has been a power dynamic established. At first it may have been different, however with the passage of time things change.
A narcissist is only interested in maintaining their power and control over people.
So, the relationship will always be that the narcissist is the one with the power. If they are not in complete control, then they will walk away. They prefer no relationship with you, to one where the power dynamic is even between the two of you.
At the beginning of the relationship, things would have appeared to be very different. But this is a part of the reeling in process, after all if they were their true vile selves all the time they wouldn’t have the attention and energy of other people they so desperately need.
Over time, they test and push boundaries to see how far they can go.
It’s such a gradual process, that you don’t see it.
(However, I’m sure that there have been some red flags, some warnings, along the way. Things that seemed off, or strange at the time, but I expect you dismissed. Usually you can see it when you have the time and space to look back.)
Once a narcissist has tested you, it’s then a process to see how far they can push you.
It’s a series of small tests, mainly to see if you prioritise them or not. If you do, then they ‘win’, you’ve compromised yourself over something small, so the next thing must be something bigger.
It might be arguments over nothing, or something they’ve contrived or the silent treatment, or taking liberties, or not respecting your privacy.
Bit by bit, they exploit your weaknesses or your previous unhealed trauma.
These weaknesses manifest as your desire to people-please, your lack of self-esteem and confidence, your absence of boundaries and your inability to say no.
You may not even be aware of these things.
But the narcissist is very aware, and this is what made them target you.
It’s so easy to blame everything on the narcissist, but there are unhealed parts of ourselves that the narcissist exploits. If you heal these parts, then the narcissist doesn’t have the same ability to be able to influence you.
These unhealed parts are the narcissist’s target.
Even if you become aware of these issues, this is enough in itself to be able to repel a narcissist.
You see, a narcissist is very lazy and will only target those people that aren’t too much hassle to manipulate and control. So, they will go after people who are completely unaware of their own unhealed emotional wounds from previous relationships or from their parents.
Once the narcissist has established a suitable target, then they will do all they have to dominate them completely.
It will be done very subtly.
As soon as you are living in fear, obligation and guilt, then the narcissist has you where they want you.
A narcissist will convince you that your very survival depends on them. Even if you are an adult and completely independent of them.
It might be your survival financially, socially, emotionally, mentally or with your health. In some way you will feel reliant on them.
The truth about your situation, how you may not be NOT reliant on them, is forgotten.
It is how they’ve manipulated you into feeling about them.
100% dependent and reliant on them.
They become everything to you, their satisfaction, or not, with you becomes all about your survival. If they’re happy with you, everything is great. If they’re unhappy with you, it becomes about how to survive.
You’ll do whatever you have to, to feel like you’re going to be ok.
Once you make the discovery about narcissistic personality disorder, at first it’s terrifying.
Finally, there’s an explanation for what has been happening, what is wrong with them, and why you are suffering like you are.
But there’s still a massive amount of fear.
For those narcissists who are physically abusive, there’s an actual visceral fear of what might happen with them. That their violence may get worse.
However, with the narcissist that isn’t violent, there is a similar fear. They may never have physically hurt you, but they hurt you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
The priority is to get out safely, whatever the case. And to make sure that you get away, somewhere safe, where they can’t find you, and no-one can tell them where you are.
A narcissist may try to get you back unless they’ve found someone to replace you. Not someone to love and cherish, but another suitable target for their abuse.
At points in the future, they may approach you again, or get someone else to do their dirty work. It’s easier for them to try to get you back than it is to try to find someone new.
With time, you start to realise how you’ve been manipulated into believing they have all the power and control.
Just like gradually, they convinced you and manipulated you into believing it, gradually you begin to see the truth.
A narcissist does not have the power they convince you that they do.
Once you’ve made this realisation, some of their power fades.
I hope that with this blog, you recognise this dynamic, and are beginning to feel empowered.
If you need help breaking free from a narcissist, book a FREEDOM POWER hour
with Clare from Come Back Brighter
💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €
💖 https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/
❓ Quick Question Ask me a question
For more information there is also:
😍 Patreon! 😍 Find out more here: https://www.patreon.com/clarelane
📖 I’m on Medium https://clarelane-comebackbrighter.medium.com/
👀 YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJGGrJYny9EwmmcOuIjmKGw
👂 My Google podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy80NmJlZmYzYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw
🔈 Apple podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-back-brighter/id1588224250
❓ Quora : https://www.quora.com/profile/Clare-Lane-12
✒️ Here are my blogs https://comebackbrighter.com/latest-blogs/
💻 More information on my website https://comebackbrighter.com/
💌 Or contact me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com
You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on January 10, 2023.