Should you Expose a Narcissist?
So often people say that they want to expose the narcissist for what they are.
It’s a normal stage of the healing process when you are reeling from the abuse. You want justice, everything to be fair and to be heard.
However, the narcissist has already set things up against you.
Smear campaign
The narcissist has set up a smear campaign against you from the start.
With a narcissistic parent, this has been from your birth. When it comes to a narcissistic friend or partner, this begun when your relationship started.
This smear campaign is started to discredit you. So, if at any time in the future, you reveal the narcissist’s abuse, you won’t be believed.
Anyone close to you, or the narcissist, who listens to them becomes a part of this smear campaign.
Anything you do, will be twisted or lied about to fit this campaign against you. Or even worse, the narcissist will tell other people that the awful things that they did, that YOU did them.
There is no low that a narcissist won’t stoop to, to serve themselves.
Sometimes it might not even be openly talked about by the narcissist. They might drop hints or make suggestions that manipulate people into thinking badly of you.
All this will be done behind your back.
You could be totally unaware, until people start to look at you funny. And even then, if you discuss it with the narcissist, they will disregard it or tell you you’re being oversensitive.
No-one will ask you about it or reach out to support you, the narcissist will make it clear that that’s not what they’re to do. It’ll be something secret, only discussed between the narcissist and their entourage.
It’s not about you getting support.
It’s about the narcissist using their lies to make you look bad. When you look bad, they look good!
It might be about your mental health, an addiction, being a difficult person or your finances, the terrible story the narcissist creates about you.
Usually, it’s something that the narcissist perceives as a weakness, something you might have shared with them, that they use against you. There might be an element of truth to it, but it will be exaggerated and blown out of all proportion to serve the narcissist.
At times the narcissist may pick and pick at you, until eventually you explode.
If there’s an audience for this, the narcissist loves it, they can use it against you.
YOU look like you’re unreasonable, angry, frustrated, and it’s to be further ‘proof’ of whatever lies the narcissist has told about you.
At other times, your behaviour will be used against you. When the narcissist puts it through their smear filter to other people, your behaviour feeds the lies the narcissist has told about you.
The people that believe the narcissist, will feel sorry for them and what they put up with.
The narcissist becomes your victim. Everything becomes about poor them, they are the hurt, innocent, caring and understanding one. It makes them look good!
However, there is something off with these people too.
Only people who have suffered narcissistic abuse and have unrecognised emotional wounds from it, toxic people or narcissists themselves will believe them.
A narcissist will only surround themselves with people who they can manipulate and control. And likewise, people who can be controlled and manipulated will spend time with a narcissist.
This is NOT everyone, although it might appear like it.
As narcissistic personality disorder is a family curse, the chances are that at least one of your grandparents, or even great-grandparents were narcissistic too. This means that your aunts and uncles, could be toxic too.
So, if your whole family and extended family is toxic, they will believe your narcissistic parents lies about you. And members of your extended family will be conducting the same smear campaign against their scapegoat.
The scapegoat of the immediate family may become the scapegoat of the extended family too.
This explains how it might feel like your whole family is against you- they might be.
When it comes to people outside the family, the narcissist is very selective.
They only want people who boost their ego, compliment their image and are controllable. For these people, the narcissist can maintain the act of being a decent human being.
It is an act.
The truth about narcissists is that they are liars, jealous, bitter, envious, hate-filled, spiteful and nasty.
However, anyone that sees through the narcissist quickly disappears.
They don’t want to stick around for someone they think is off or know is toxic. Their choice is to spend time with other people who are not vile like the narcissist.
The narcissist will also smear these people.
So, those people, all the ones that seem to be on the narcissists side, have their own reasons.
They might be unaware of how they are being manipulated, because of their own hurt and pain after narcissistic abuse. Some of these people may want to fix things between the narcissist and you, because of their own issues. They may be well-meaning, but just have only one side of the story.
Or other people might relish the drama and chaos of being involved with another toxic narcissist. They feed from it too because they are toxic or narcissistic themselves.
You can’t fight against the smear campaign.
The campaign started such a long time ago, and the lies have been told over years or even decades. Everything you’ve ever done, with the narcissist or these people that believe the lies, has been used against you.
People who believe the narcissist, believe them blindly.
They are not interested in your side of things, nor do they genuinely care about you. All they are interested in is the narcissist, because in some way they get something from them.
If they don’t care about you, they are not going to care about your side of the story. Nothing you will say will ever make any difference to them.
Some of these people will relish ignoring you, invalidating you, guilting you, blaming and shaming you. So, they will perpetuate the drama, to keep you engaged and to continue to treat you badly.
Other people will just see the narcissist, and their side of the story. All that matters to them is the narcissist. Their desperation will be to get you back so that the narcissist is pleased with them.
For others, it’s about fear of getting your scapegoat role themselves. They have a vested interest in trying to get you back, to protect themselves.
It’s understandable that you want to fight the injustice, the unfairness of the situation.
But the narcissist won’t play fair, they never have, because this gives them the advantage.
They fight dirty, and don’t have any qualms about it. As long as they get what they want they don’t care what they have to do to get it.
You can’t fight like that, you’re too good a person. You care about other people, even if they don’t deserve it.
But the narcissist is not a good person and doesn’t care about anyone else. And this is why they can do what they do.
You expose them, and they’ll unleash everything they have on you.
It won’t take much, especially because they’ve already got a huge advantage having conducted the smear campaign against you for years.
But it might destroy you.
Malignant narcissists are after you anyway. They will do all they can to destroy you and your life. Fighting back against them is pointless, best to just disappear.
Normal narcissists are more lazy, but it doesn’t mean that they won’t fight you.
For a narcissist it’s about winning, and they will do whatever they have to to win.
They will even disadvantage themselves to feel that they’ve won over you.
Everything in their life is about being better than, feeling superior or winning.
It’s also about their survival.
If other people don’t believe them, then the narcissist might be alone.
So, they fight with everything that they have, because without people to make them feel like they exist, they fear they might die.
Narcissists need the attention and energy of other people to survive.
And this is why they are willing to fight so dirty.
It’s not about love and connection, it’s about the narcissist’s number one agenda, attention and energy from other people.
To you it’s about justice, about things being fair, being heard but to the narcissist it’s a matter of life and death.
Exposing the narcissist means that all your attention and energy continues to be wasted on the narcissist. Which they will relish.
This attention and energy is essential for you, as you process and heal.
It’s a difficult thing to go through, the injustice of it all, especially as there is no closure from the narcissist.
However, once you realise the true toxicity of the narcissist and those that choose to spend their time with them, you’ll wonder if they’re worth it.
You’re worth you own attention and energy as you process everything that you’ve been through.
You’ve spent a lot of your time and energy already on the narcissist, more than maybe you’re aware.
Time to turn your focus to yourself, and your healing.
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