Should you Confront a Narcissist?
There is a natural desire, once you discover the truth, to confront a narcissist.
It is normal to want to react after being hurt and feeling betrayed. However, when you are coming from this angry or painful energy it is not necessarily the best thing to do.
There may also be a little of hope that you can get them to understand and they may change.
However, someone with narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t care for other people or have any self-awareness. They have a well-honed self-defence system which means that they will never admit any fault, much less take responsibility for their actions.
Instead, the narcissist prefers to put all their suffering onto others. For a moment, at least, it brings them relief.
You are not dealing with a normal human being.
Whilst you may want to sort out the issues so that you can have the relationship you’ve always wanted, the narcissist does not want the same thing.
A narcissist is all about power and control and getting attention and energy from other people.
These two very conflicting desires will not lead to the conclusion that you desire.
Narcissists are very clever at manipulating people; they know how to exploit others’ weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
They will have had your whole lifetime or relationship to learn your weak points. And they would have used that information against you at every opportunity.
Once you realise the truth about narcissistic personality disorder, everything becomes clear. But this doesn’t mean that deciding the next steps are easy.
The temptation is to confront them with your discovery and the proof that you have about them.
However, this is feeding into one of the needs of the narcissist.
Beware bringing this up with them, because they will use it for their need for the attention and energy of others.
If you’ve ever tried to sort an issue with a narcissist previously, then you will know exactly how things will work out.
The more you approach them with anger, frustration or hurt, the greater ability the narcissist has to exploit the opportunity.
The more emotion you bring to the discussion, the more energy the narcissist gets from you.
Also, the opportunity to bring other people into the argument gives them even more attention and energy. These people will be on the narcissist’s side, against you.
The narcissist may accuse you of being a narcissist. Then you are preoccupied with defending yourself, instead of continuing to confront them over their behaviour.
They may deny it, getting more and more energy from you as you provide your proof of their narcissistic personality disorder.
Perhaps they get angry, trying to frighten you and subdue you into silence.
Whatever their reaction, you would have been here before. You know how they will react.
The conversation will go round and round, they will talk nonsense, they will accuse you of things you’ve not done, they will lie, gaslight and twist reality.
The drama could be drawn out for months. The narcissist will drag it out for as long as they need your attention and energy.
At no point will they accept any responsibility for their action, apologise or change.
A narcissist will take the information that you’ve given them and use it against you.
Anything that you address with them, any issues that are causing you pain or anything they did that hurt you gives them an insight on what worked and what didn’t. Then they will know what to do next time, their behaviour, instead of getting better, will get worse.
Narcissists conduct smear campaigns against their target.
This would have been from birth if it’s a family member or since the start of the relationship.
The smear campaign is to discredit the target in advance, so that if they ever reveal the narcissist’s abuse they won’t be believed.
Anything you bring up when you confront the narcissist will be used against you to further reenforce the smear campaign.
If you rely on the narcissist for anything, expect to be punished by having it withdrawn.
Anything that a narcissist does for anyone else has conditions attached without their knowledge.
There will be an expectation from the narcissist, that if they do something for you, you will have to repay them in some way. It may not be immediately, but it could be at some undetermined point in the future.
The repayment may well be much more than the original deed or be expected to be repaid many times over.
Being reliant on the narcissist gives them power and control over you.
It could be anything, a loan taken out with them as signatories, financial dependence, a shared phone plan, them looking after your things for you, a family heirloom, a gift given, they will use whatever they can.
They may have insisted that they ‘help’ you with whatever it is, even though you could have managed alone.
It is all to increase their feelings of power over you.
If you are reliant on them and you confront them then you will suffer for it.
They will use the threat of taking away whatever it is, to get you back in line.
Their priority is to get you back into your old role with them, subservient, vulnerable and available whenever they want to abuse you. They want the old dynamic preserved.
You may confront them, with the desire to get them to understand.
But all the narcissist wants is that power and control over you. And they will do whatever they have to, even if they suffer for it too, to get it back.
The best thing is to try to free yourself from any obligation with a narcissist. Even if that means a compromise on your part for a while.
The fewer things that the narcissist can use against you, the better.
There is always the threat that they will take away whatever it is that you need.
It may not take a confrontation for them to take it away, it may be just that you don’t want to do something they want you to do. It could be that they are lacking attention and energy from other people in their life, and they want some from you.
If you can liberate yourself from them it gives them less power and control over you. They may try to claw it back in other ways, but the fewer things they can use against you the better.
Of course, it may not always be things, it could be someone they use against you.
If this is the case, there’s nothing you can do about it. If the other person goes along with it, then it’s up to them. This may be the time to process and grieve the other person too and the relationship you could have had.
My story
I confronted both my parents.
When I told my father what I thought about him it was before I knew about narcissistic personality disorder.
He had invited me to go to Spain with them when I was pregnant with my son. As we got further and further from my home he got cold and more vile. I couldn’t stand it, so I called my husband and got him to come and get me.
When he confronted me about it later, he asked me why I had left them in Spain.
I said ‘You were an arsehole’.
There was nothing else to say! He knew exactly what he was, and there was no way I would lie or cover it up.
He asked and I told him!
Then, of course, it became about how hurt he was that I called him an arsehole!
With my mother I knew about narcissistic personality disorder, but not that she is probably a covert narcissist.
At this time I had already been no contact with both of them for a month, when they paid me a unwelcome and surprise visit.
It was her last chance to see my son, and as we drove she defended my father with all the usual excuses until she said:
‘I’m worried about his state of mind.’
It was the last straw.
This was the excuse I had heard all my life and I had had enough.
‘His state of mind? He’s going to kill himself because he has a few hours in the shopping centre on his own? A 70-year-old man can’t cope with that?’
‘I never said any such thing.’ She retorted.
Then she sat there, white, tight-lipped, saying nothing.
I turned and drove her back to my father, she missed out on the opportunity of seeing my son for what would have been the last time.
At this point with both of them, I had lost the desire for a relationship. I didn’t care anymore what the consequences would be.
They had lost their power over me.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on May 10, 2022.