Self-sabotage- the Inevitable Result of an Abusive Childhood

4 min readAug 24, 2018

A narcissistic parent deliberately sabotages their child. They do this to make it practically impossible for them to succeed in their adult life. They ensure that they don’t give their child the essential tools required to build a happy and fulfilling adult life.

The narcissistic parent can then berate and punish their child for this whilst knowing that they are the reason why.

Toxic behaviour is our normal

Being raised in a toxic household means that we accept some things as normal which aren’t. An example is the narcissistic parent’s ‘all or nothing’ thinking. It is simple to a narcissist because they assume that you are either naturally good at something or not. They think if you are good you should carry on and if you’re not you should give up.

Narcissists are special and superior

Hard work and persistence is something that narcissists don’t understand. It is because they feel they are people who are superior in intelligence and ability. They want an easy life, and inferior people work, who don’t have the narcissist’s special abilities and skills. A narcissist feels special and expects others to recognise this. They simply don’t model in their life the value of hard work and determination to their children. We can take on this attitude if it doesn’t come easily it isn’t worth bothering with.

Mistakes are how we learn

For a child raised in a normal house, their parents teach the value of mistakes and this how they learn. To the child of a narcissist, mistakes are dangerous because they can incur your narcissistic parent’s wrath and don’t survive. As a result, we play safe and don’t take the risks necessary to further ourselves and our lives. It is easier to give up at the first mistake because this is what is familiar and safe for us.

Their children’s hobbies boost their image

Often the narcissistic parent will encourage their children to take up hobbies in order to boost their image. These have little to do with the child’s actual interests, as the narcissist doesn’t see the child as an individual. Often these hobbies are things the narcissist wishes that they had done. Frequently these hobbies are the performing arts so that they can boost their image publically.

They want to keep their children down

Narcissists are deeply jealous people and want to keep their children down so that they can make themselves feel better. Some frequently discourage their child from further education unless they have been educated to the same level. Of course, they will never make this obvious. They tell their child that they are not capable of further education rather than the truth that they are jealous.

….or push them into things they don’t want

Others narcissists live through their children and push them to further education. They can them claim bragging rights to anyone who will listen. What a great parent they are for the great sacrifices they are making to send their child to university.

Reasons for self-sabotage

Children from narcissistic families self-sabotage due to unrealistic expectations, perfectionism and the inability to persist.

Children of narcissists self-sabotage because they do not believe that they are worthy of success and happiness. This follows a childhood of being told in every way that they are worthless and will never amount to anything.

Self-sabotage shows up in adulthood

It is in adulthood that the self-sabotage really becomes apparent. The choice of career, the choice of partner, the choice of life, all reflect an abusive childhood. Some children of abusive parents descend into drink and drug addictions. Whilst others have relationships with abusive partners, some spend their lives in dead-end jobs. Or they feel lonely and unable to cope with the simplest of life’s challenges. All of these things are the results of the narcissist’s sabotage in childhood and follows the same pattern into adulthood.

There is hope.

Break free from the chains of your narcissistic upbringing, grieve the parent that you wanted, grieve the relationship and start to build the life of your dreams. It is possible.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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