Nothing You Do Will Ever Be Enough

4 min readMar 15, 2019

Being the scapegoat of a narcissistic parent means that nothing you do will ever be right.

Criticise our character not our behaviour

As narcissistic parents criticise our character, rather than our behaviour, we feel flawed and wrong.

This, in turn, leads to a lack of any self-worth which manifests as people-pleasing, never saying no, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, social anxiety, zero trust in our judgement or intuition, general anxiety and fear of other people.

This also means that we are unlikely to ever have the ability to break free of the narcissist, and they can depend on a lifetime’s supply (attention) from us and this is their motivation for everything that they do.

The Scapegoat

A child will seldom question a parent because our very survival relies on them, so we take their criticisms, shame ourselves and start to believe the things that we are told we are.

As scapegoats, all the things we are told are the very things that the narcissist feels ashamed of, they project their flaws onto others so they can feel some relief from them.

So, none of the things you were told by your parent is true. Sometimes these ‘flaws’ are things that the narcissist is jealous of or things that make you happy and they seek to destroy it.

The tactics a narcissist uses to keep you close

A life with a narcissist is life never knowing where you stand.

The rules change without notice, goalposts are moved without informing you and you are expected to be a mind-reader to know all of these things.

The narcissist knows it all, so why don’t you?

Always trying to win their approval

They relish the prospect of us forever trying to win their favour and that’s why they will never be satisfied with anything that you do.

Nothing will ever be good enough because then that keeps you striving to win their approval and they get a sick kick out of knowing that you will never get it.

The best years of my life

My years at college were the best of my life.

At the weekends I would go out and stay over at a friend’s house. When I told my parents, my father would be cold and sullen with me, and once I came home, I would suffer the silent treatment for up to a week.

So, I decided that I wouldn’t go out to see if this made him happy. It didn’t make any difference.

Damned either way

I decided that if I was going to be punished either way, I may as well enjoy myself!

I wasn’t going to make any sacrifices for someone who basically had a temper tantrum every time I went out because he was jealous of my social life. Fortunately, I had a part-time job so I wasn’t dependent on him for money, or else I’m sure that he would have used that against me.

Making a break for freedom

Looking back, I realise that this decision I made when I was 17 set the tone for the rest of my relationship with my father. I did what I wanted because I knew that he never had my best interests at heart.

All he wanted for me was to be miserable and trapped at home because then I was a perfect target for his abuse.

If he thought I was going to stick around for that, he was mistaken. I found my freedom in my teenage years and it is something that I am very grateful for.

Freedom at University

At 18 I went to University, encouraged by my father and found even more freedom.

The first summer I determined that there was no way I was going back to my parents, so I got a summer job. They were angry, instead of being proud that I was earning money and making a life for myself.

Their priority was to get back their scapegoat, but I had had enough and my previous experiences had shown me exactly what it would be like.

Avoiding living them after I had tasted freedom was a motivating factor in my getting that summer job.

Don’t give your power away, you compromise on your happiness

The more power you give a narcissist, the more they will abuse that power to keep you close.

The more compromises you make for them, thinking that you will have a quiet life, the more you compromise your happiness.

So, if you are tangled up with a narcissist at the moment, start taking little steps to untangle yourself. It may seem impossible at times because they will do all that they can to keep you close but keep on persisting.

Don’t believe what they tell you about yourself.

Don’t believe them when they make you fear the world.

The sooner you can break away, the sooner you can start living your life, in peace and happiness.

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