Never Trust a Narcissist

Clare Lane

4 min readJul 7, 2023

Narcissists never do anything without them gaining something from it.

Everything they do is with expectations, often far in excess of the thing that they did.

If you doubt this, then ask yourself:

Have they ever done anything for me with expecting something in return?

I’ll be willing to bet that they have NEVER done anything for you, without the expectation of some sort of return.

It might be that you are expected to pay them the money back for a gift or see them because they did something for you. If they’ve not asked for anything, wait for it and they’ll demand something when they want something from you.

Of course, it’s not always something they give you, it could be something they do for you. But it’s done with such bad grace, or so badly that you wish that they hadn’t done it.

A narcissist loves the sense of control that they have when they know that you need or want something. It’s like drug to them, such a high, knowing that they decide whether they do it and that you are reliant on them.

They love being asked. And making you wait.

You’re dangling, waiting on them, and they LOVE it.

The more they’ve isolated you, told you’re not capable, too immature, not taught you how to do things, sabotaged you, lied to you, blamed you, the more reliant you are on them.

It’s all about them and having power and control over you. And they use every opportunity to exert their power and control over you.

But you can’t win, because if you do manage to do something without them, they are angry.

So, either way, you lose, you ask them, they relish the power to refuse you or not, and if you don’t ask them, they punish you with the silent treatment.

You can NEVER win with a narcissist.

No conversation or experience with them will ever be happy, relaxed or pleasant.

Sure, sometimes might be better than others, ‘not so bad’. These are the times when the narcissist is getting what they want from you, or other people and they’re calm and stable.

But just wait for it, it’s coming, the shift when they become bad tempered, impatient, unpleasant, silent, punishing, angry.

You can’t rely on a narcissist because their priority is themselves.

They won’t care what they told you, your priorities, your concerns, responsibilities, needs, wants or desires. Or your privacy or boundaries.

The narcissist is used to calling the shots and being the priority. They are very sensitive to any changes and any differences in the set up of the relationship.

Even if you don’t do or say anything, they will know if you are thinking about the relationship.

The dynamic would have changed, just a little bit, you won’t even be aware.

But the narcissist will want to assert their power and control over you. So, they will contrive dramas and chaos, to try to bring you back to them, back to your old role with them.

It’s one thing to depend on the narcissist when you are in regular contact with them.

However, it changes when you want to start distancing yourself or when you don’t want to be manipulated into whatever the narcissist wants you to do.

A narcissist will use whatever they have to against you, to get you back in the role of scapegoat.

Any ties you have with them, as a signatory on bank loan, financial debts, looking after a pet, borrowing their car, joint accounts or leaving valuable possessions with them, they will use against you.

The more important it is, the greater power and control they can exert over you.

If it’s something of great emotional value or gives you the financial means to get away from them, the greater hold they have over you with it.

They will keep things hostage, or make threats, because then you will have to have contact with them.

Of course, they won’t necessarily tell you this is what they are doing. It might be hidden behind concern for you, appear to be a genuine question that they have, or pleading ignorance.

But it’s all a veiled threat.

They might do this, even when they feel you pulling away a little bit. A reminder of how reliant you are on them, for whatever it is. How much you owe them, are indebted and obligated to them.

Be prepared for it, because even if you’ve got away with it to this point, it’s coming.

It’s better to plan your escape, well before you make the move.

But this is only if you are not in danger. If you are, then the priority is to get out and sort out all the other stuff once you’re safe.

Of course, you might just be freeing yourself from these obligations to a narcissist anyway. It feels really bad to rely on them, it’s not pleasant. Perhaps you’ve had experiences in the past when it’s all gone wrong and you don’t want to do it again.

The narcissist won’t like you freeing yourself from these obligations to them.

It’s best just to stay calm, if they ask you about it, and not to engage with whatever drama they may want to create from it.

Quietly free yourself and breathe a sigh or relief.

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