Narcissistic Abuse symptoms: Anxiety

4 min readMar 1, 2019

Anxiety is something that I have struggled with my entire life, and only very recently I became aware that this is what it was.

It would start off as a low level panic feeling or sense of doom usually on a Monday morning. As the week would progress it would get worse. It would lead to me struggling to function. Then sometimes it would lead to an emotional flashback, which would take me up to a week to recover from.

Anxiety made it difficult to live

Whilst suffering anxiety I had no desire or confidence to do anything. Even relatively simple tasks were very difficult, and usually the only way that I would do things was if my son would suffer if I didn’t.

All of this was after I had gone no contact with my parents, but I know that it was worse when I was in contact with them.

The reason for the Monday morning start? I used to see my parents most weekends, and my anxiety over this would start on the Monday and ramp up during the week. But I only identified this whilst writing this post.

My anxiety would increase before my parent’s visit

My anxiety levels would also ramp up in the months before my parent’s visits.

The last few years before no contact, I lived in a different country to my parents. It became a matter of routine that I would see them every 3 months or so.

My anxiety during this time would ramp up as their visit got closer and closer. I didn’t know what to expect from them, I always spent their visits on eggshells. I feared their judgements, on me, my husband, my son, my parenting, my home, on everything.

Never once during these times did I connect my increased anxiety with their visits.

Often, I would argue with my husband over little things, in an attempt to work out some of my fear, frustration and anxiety. I knew, with him, that he would forgive me and try to work things out. There was no way I could have the same discussions with my parents.

Close to a nervous breakdown

On one occasion just after their visit, I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

I had an enormous row with my husband and stormed out of the house, convinced that I had to leave him.

After a few hours, I returned home much calmer and we talked it through.

This incident was 100% due to my parents visit, they had done just enough damage to our relationship and then left knowing that fireworks would start.

A lot of it was also complete and utter frustration at their treatment of me.

This was the worst incident like this, but it certainly wasn’t the only time. I remember having to escape for a while whilst I still lived in the UK, often I would go to the sea and contemplate running away.

Subtle abuse during their visit

Arguments with my parents were few and far between until I was pregnant with my son.

So it wasn’t that each time their visit we fought.

It was that they would snipe, be passive aggressive, find fault with me (even silently), ruin our celebrations, punish with the silent treatment, expect me to drop my life for their visit, not appreciate anything I did, lie about their time with us and expect to be our top priority during their time with us.

Also, that they would undermine my husband to me by stealth and by overt criticism so that by the end of their visit I doubted everything about myself and my husband.

It was all so cleverly done to be entirely deniable, and I often returned home after our ‘holiday’ visits exhausted by having to be on eggshells all the time.

Hypervigilance and children of narcissists

Having spent years in a constant state of hypervigilance, it is natural to assume that anxiety is a huge part of having narcissistic parents.

I think that children of narcissists have a higher general level of anxiety, and it doesn’t take a lot for this to become overwhelming and having a dire effect on simple life tasks.

It is harder work for a child of a narcissist to function normally under the conditions of stress that they have lived under all their lives.

The first thing is to establish that anxiety is the issue, and then work through the real reasons for it.

Once the reasons are identified it becomes easier to manage the symptoms. It is possible to work through it, your narcissistic parents do not have to poison your future life.

Being willing to be self-reflective and to do the work required, no matter how uncomfortable it feels are the basic requirements to live your life with a much lower level of anxiety.

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