It’s Not Just You
Experiencing narcissistic abuse can be a very lonely and isolating time.
It can feel like you’re the only one going through it, no-one else understands or even cares.
Once you’ve been selected as the narcissist’s target, there’s little you can do about it.
You are whipped up into their whirlwind, knocked off your feet and only aware once you come round with your face in the dirt.
When you’re down in the dirt, that’s when all your unhealed issues come to the surface. Those issues then become the reason for your slide into isolation, loneliness, hopelessness and helplessness.
Tumbling into the pit, without realising that you’ve most probably been here before. It’s the pattern of your lifetime, rooted in the belief ‘I deserve to suffer’. It goes so deep you are not even aware of it.
Weeks, maybe even months later, you start to claw your way out.
Inspecting the damage, you are amazed at the devastation a narcissist can cause.
And not a little bit frustrated with yourself for ignoring those warning signs. They seem so obvious now.
It feels so personal.
The narcissist makes it feel like this once they’ve discarded you, that way, you retreat from their world.
They win.
They reign.
It feels like they have everyone, the family or the friends or work colleagues.
Everyone rallies around them. Whilst you, their victim, suffers alone, confused, hurt and sad.
The isolation makes it even worse.
Of course, everyone else supporting the narcissist makes you doubt yourself even more.
But don’t be fooled. You are NOT the only one to have been targeted by them.
The other people will also be silent and have disappeared.
It could be a very close friend who suddenly is no longer in their life, or a good work colleague who left or who avoids them. It won’t make any sense, one-minute best buddies with the narcissist and then gone without any reason.
Once you look closely you will see these people.
The ones that are aware of the smear campaign will distance themselves from the narcissist and anyone that choses to spend time with them.
They understand the dynamic, the fruitlessness of fighting it.
Anyone who choses to spend time with a narcissist is either being exploited for their own unhealed and unrecognised parts or toxic themselves.
Others will be completely unaware of the lies told about them. They may even continue a friendship with the narcissist.
When the narcissist smeared them their victim was the worst person ever, they will quickly become the best person ever.
The narcissist blows hot and cold.
This will be very confusing to anyone watching them, seeing their behaviour.
When the narcissist is cold, their victim is not serving them.
It could be as simple as their victim is not paying them enough attention, or not helping them at work like they used to.
Somehow the dynamic would have shifted and the narcissist is not happy about it.
They make their dissatisfaction plain, sometimes to the victim and sometimes to the people they have in common with their victim.
However, when the narcissist is hot, then their victim is pleasing them.
It could be that they have become a paying customer of the narcissist or are doing something for the narcissist.
That person is rewarded by the narcissist, by them playing nice for a while. But it will only last until the narcissist has got what they want or they change their mind about that person.
This can all shift very quickly, the narcissist going from hot to cold or vice versa.
Anyone who the narcissist perceives as an advantage to them, will rarely, if ever, see the cold side of them.
If this person can benefit the narcissist’s business, help with their contacts as potential friends, or has a special skill the narcissist needs to use, or any other advantage to the narcissist then the narcissist can play nice for a long time.
Added to this, if this person has unhealed and unrecognised narcissistic abuse wounds, then they are a particular target.
Or they may be narcissistic themselves, in which case the other narcissist is serving them in some way.
The greatest clue that narcissists give is the way that they treat people.
Their circle of friends or work colleagues will diminish, one by one people will drop off.
Some might do so of their own choice, they see the narcissists games and don’t want to be a part of it.
Others have faced the narcissists wrath and have been pushed from the group.
There will be friendships or connections that end very suddenly.
The narcissist may be reluctant to talk about it, or they may want to get their version in before the other person does.
Whatever they do, the narcissist will feel that they have the upper hand. They will have already undermined the other person to the rest of the group, with their smear campaign or triangulation.
The smear campaign is the lies told about the other person to discredit them. The narcissist will have started this as soon as the friendship or connection was made.
That way, if their target speaks out about them, they won’t be believed by the rest of the group.
The lies could be about their target’s mental health, addictions, some perceived fragility in some way.
Of course, it will paint their target as the ‘bad one’ the one responsible for the narcissist’s suffering.
When the narcissist triangulates, they control how people feel about each other.
Triangulation makes them the centre, people report to them or expect news of other people from them.
The narcissist actively discourages communication between people themselves. Somehow, they make it appear to be a benefit to those people that the narcissist is in charge.
If they control the communication between people then they can put their own twist on things, lie or re-write reality.
They have the power to make or break friendships and connections.
It’s all done so cleverly, that you may not even be aware of how you’ve been a part of their sick plans.
Once the narcissist has decided that you are not serving them, then they begin the discard.
Everyone else will be dragged into it and expected the choose sides.
But the narcissist has already done the groundwork, so that they will be the one selected. And, as they have painted themselves as the victim, people rally around offering them support.
The circles around a narcissist become smaller and smaller over time.
Once they perceive that you don’t serve them, they have to get rid of you. It might actually be to their disadvantage though, but narcissists don’t consider the long term.
To those closest to the narcissist, those most blind to their behaviour, are often very confused by the diminishing group. They may even start to defend the narcissist to people or be their flying monkeys trying to get people back for the narcissist.
They need to beware, however, once the narcissist has a reduced number of targets, they will turn on anyone.
A narcissist needs the attention and energy of other people. So, with their diminishing group they will have to get what they need.
Eventually it may come to the point that the narcissist has exhausted their circle. There’s no-one left. This is the time when they will move groups or even to a new area and start their chaos all over again.
Conclusion
It’s easy to think that you’re the only one that’s a target of a particular narcissist.
That’s also what the narcissist wants you to think; that it’s just you because you are bad or wrong in some way.
You are not the only one.
There will be a lot of discarded people in the narcissist’s past. As they walk their life path, they use people until they don’t serve anymore, then just throw them to one side.
The narcissist doesn’t want you to know this. They want you to think it’s just you, that way you keep away and you keep quiet.
I’m not saying to start a campaign and take on the narcissist. Just pay attention, watch people, and consider the people in the narcissist’s past.
There’s no way that the narcissist has ever been their old friends’, acquaintances’ and work colleagues’ victim. That it’s everyone else that’s the issue not the narcissist!
The best thing is to walk away, be silent and show by your actions the truth of your character.
It may be a lonely walk for a while, but people, the right ones, will see it and connect with you.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on July 26, 2022.