How Your Expectations Keep You Involved with a Narcissist
The narcissist will keep you engaged with them by putting on an act. This is only for a short while, as it is too exhausting for the narcissist to keep up the pretence for too long.
This act is when they fake being exactly what it is that you need. Whatever you are looking for in them, for a short while they will be everything for you.
They’ve already sussed out your weaknesses, your pain points; the child looking for love and approval from them or the partner seeking a loving and caring ally. These pain points could be numerous and from trauma or painful events in the past.
Whatever they’ve spotted in you, is a target for them.
When they are putting on the false act, they pretend to be whatever you want or need. Whatever the emotional need you desire from them.
However, when they are at their most abusive and hurtful, then they will be the very thing that causes you pain. They use your pain to hurt you.
You have expectations of them, that they can be the ‘nice’ version. The loving, supportive and caring version of themselves, the one that you want and need them to be.
But over time, this good version of them slowly disappears. Their appearance becomes more and more infrequent and the length of time of them being like that shortens.
You’re confused.
Where have they gone?
It must be something to do with me.
You immediately jump to the presumption that you are to blame because the narcissist will hint at it or tell you. Or else something you do will appear to put them in bad mood, back to the bad version of them.
This act leads to expectations of them and the presumption that this is who they really are.
The assumption that the loving version of them is the truth and just hidden for the rest of the time. That they are capable of being what you want, but it’s up to you to behave in a certain way to make sure that they are that way for longer.
It’s all on you.
This gives you the feeling that them being what you want lies in your power. But it doesn’t.
If it were the truth about them, they would be it all the time, whatever is happening around them.
The truth is in their words and actions.
A narcissist knows all the right things to say. It takes little effort and energy on their side.
However, it is in their actions that they show the truth.
Someone who loves you can’t turn it off if it suits them.
They always love and care for you, no matter what is happening. Sometimes they may make mistakes and hurt you, but you know deep down that they care for you even in those times. They will apologise and make sure that it never happens again.
With a narcissist you get stuck in the same routine.
The more you ask of them, or demand of them, the less they will give you.
If you ask them to show that they care, they will refuse. Then they will turn it back on you, that you in some way have failed them, not shown them what you are seeking from them.
You are stuck, trying always to prove your love for them, whilst receiving nothing back from them. But you don’t see that you’re getting nothing, all you can see is the narcissist and what they want.
A narcissist will blame you for them not being able to love or care for you.
They will find an excuse, something based on your actions, to use against you. If they don’t have anything to serve their purposes then they will make something up, or twist something.
This keeps you engaged with them for a long time, because through this you are still looking for the loving version of them.
As the relationship goes on, the narcissist becomes more and more lazy. They can’t be bothered with the act so much. But all this does is feed your need for it even more. The more they conceal the loving version of them, the more desperate you become for it to appear.
Before you know it, you’re stuck in a miserable relationship, with every day a struggle. But you’ll still carry on, no matter how hard it gets because of that hope.
Hope keeps you involved with the narcissist.
The hope that they can be that nice version of themselves.
‘If only I……’
You find yourself bargaining with yourself, compromising on what you want, losing friends and family members, isolated, alone, and dependent on the narcissist.
Then they have you where they want you.
You are then trapped with them, trapped and abused by them whenever they feel like it.
Still that glimmer of hope, keeps you with them.
You have so much evidence by this time of the ways in which they don’t love you, or care for you. The times when they were heartless, cruel and relished hurting you.
But all this is forgotten in your constant crusade to find the nice version of them and the great version of your relationship.
Underlying it all is the expectation that they can be the things you need.
The more expectations you put on a narcissist, the more they resent you.
The relationship is all about them and what they want.
You are not expected to have any desires or needs met from them. They will get angry if you even think that they should do anything for you. Their anger may be expressed as rage-filled shouting or as the cold silent treatment.
It’s unbalanced, the narcissist doing all the taking and you doing all the giving.
You are expected to serve them, in whatever capacity they require.
There may come a day, when you start to realise the truth about the situation.
It hurts. It really hurts.
Your hope gives the narcissist a lot of power and control.
Narcissists are all about power and control.
Being emotionally connected to them gives them greater ability to hurt you. The more you love them, the more they can treat you badly.
They sneer at your love. See it as a weakness.
The act will drop off, as they feel they have greater power and control over you. They don’t need to bother anymore.
If you decide to walk away, then there’s a process to grieve. You grieve what you thought that person was, how they could have been and how your relationship could have worked out.
You effectively grieve the loss of that hope.
If you need help breaking free from a narcissist, book a FREEDOM POWER hour with Clare from Come Back Brighter
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on August 30, 2022.