How to Not Give Away Your Power to a Narcissist

3 min readDec 28, 2018

The narcissist’s agenda is to elevate themselves above you which they achieve by either showing their ‘superiority’ or by bringing you down. Their focus is on others because they are so superficial and shallow, they need others to validate them and their existence.

A narcissist has their own agenda

When you converse with a narcissist about your relationship and the difficulties you may be having, a narcissist does not have the same desire as you. They don’t want to try to fix the relationship. So, because you are starting from a completely different place and with entirely different agendas the conversation will never resolve the issues that you are trying to address. This is especially the case when trying to sort out problems that you have in your relationship, once the emotional element comes into the situation, a narcissist will use this to cause maximum drama.

Conversations with a narcissist

A conversation is about power and control to a narcissist. Every time you justify a decision to a narcissist, you give them the power they want to try and make you change your decision. The more you speak about it, the more details you give them to either use against you to hurt you, or to undermine you and your decision. It doesn’t matter what you are discussing, they will try to get you to change your mind, just because then they want to see their control over you.

Try not to JADE

One way to be sure to avoid being undermined or pressured into changing your mind is not to justify, argue, defend or explain, JADE (from Al-anon) your decisions or what you are speaking about. Any of these things give the narcissist the chance to continue the conversation, tie you up in knots, confuse you, undermine you or store up information that will be used against you at a later date.

They appear to be supportive, but they undermine you

Some narcissists will appear to be supportive of whatever you have told them, whilst actually undermining you. This is to serve the same purpose, make you doubt yourself and your decision, assert their power over you, and so that they can claim their superiority. This is so subtly done that you are not even aware of it. They achieve it by asking you if you are sure of your decision or questioning your ability whilst appearing to be kind and considerate of you.

Don’t give them personal information

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to not give them the opportunity to further their agenda. Don’t give them personal information about you, or anyone you know, because it will be used against you or the other person, to guilt you and manipulate you into whatever it is that the narcissist wants. Anything you say to the narcissist, you risk that they will do whatever that can to ruin it for you.

No-one needs to know everything about you, a narcissist only wants to know because this gives them the power to make sure that they can destroy your confidence and happiness.

If you want further information on how to protect yourself when dealing with a narcissist, the ‘Out of the Fog’ website has an excellent toolbox.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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