How To Know If You Are Dealing with a Narcissist

One of the worst things about narcissistic abuse, is that you are conditioned to not trust yourself.

The arguments, the blazing rows and/or the periods of punishing silence, somehow become your fault. And they often come out of nowhere and calm down against just as quickly as they flared up.

It’s confusing, and oftentimes you don’t even find out what it was all about.

You are told it’s you, the problem is all you.

The chances are other relationships have been very similar, and perhaps friendships. The repeated pattern, with you as the common denominator, leads you to believe it must be you.

The narcissist accuses and blames you.

When you raise an issue with the narcissist, hoping to overcome a problem in the relationship, it blows up. Instead of the issue being resolved, the narcissist twists things so that somehow you are the problem.

Narcissists will keep a list of all the grudges they have against other people.

These will be all the times you:

hurt them, without even being aware,

disagreed with them,

said or did something without considering only them,

sided with someone else

didn’t flatter their ego

or didn’t booster their image

In short, anything that you do that shows you are a separate individual or may have put yourself or someone other than the narcissist first.

They don’t like this because as far as they are concerned you are an extension of them. And it is just as unthinkable that their hand wouldn’t do as it’s told, that you wouldn’t do what was expected of you, or what you were told to.

That’s where their rage comes from: their confusion over why you are not doing as expected, and their need to reenforce their position of power and control over you.

Whether it’s the hot angry shouting rage, or the punishment of the silent treatment, it’s all about scaring you into submission. This is, so that next time, you know exactly what is expected of you, and you’ll just do it out of fear.

Something may feel off, but somehow, it’s glossed over. Or even worse you make excuses for them why it feels off.

‘He’s not close to his mother, that why he doesn’t like me spending time with mine.’

Or

‘She has mental health issues, she’s delicate, I must not upset her.’

Whatever is the pity story of the narcissist is the excuse you give yourself for their behaviour. Maybe you give this excuse to other people too, the ones that are concerned about you and care enough to ask you what’s going on.

It almost becomes like a mantra.

When other people make excuses for the narcissist too, some pity story, this becomes the excuse you give as well.

At no point does the narcissist take responsibility for any of the problems and issues.

Of course, when you are consistently told the problem is you, then you believe it. And if it’s the same pattern in other relationships than it reenforces it.

The more you believe it’s you, the more likely you are to remain in the relationship.

And, even worse, think that perhaps there’s something you can do to make it better. It becomes your responsibility to fix it because you believe that you are the problem.

You’re stuck, because everything you try, nothing works. It’s never enough for the narcissist.

But still, you keep on trying because you care.

When you are consistently trusting someone else over yourself, it leads to self-doubt.

That’s where the narcissist has you, the more you doubt yourself, the more time you give them.

Questioning yourself, you are much more likely to endure their behaviour, than if you really trusted yourself. If you trusted yourself, you would have been gone long ago.

Narcissists want people close to them, only because then they have a target for their abuse.

If others around them are questioning themselves, blaming themselves and taking full responsibility for the situation, then the narcissist is free to abuse them.

As they look to themselves, the narcissist sees the opportunities to continue the cycle of abuse. When they are not focused on the actual actions of the narcissist, it’s like they are blind.

It’s so easy to be someone on the outside looking in, making judgements, coming to conclusions, but when you’re in it, it’s like you lose all reason.

This is why it is so hard once you do realise the truth of the dynamic to trust yourself.

The chances are, if you’ve experienced more than one narcissistic relationship, that narcissistic abuse is your normal.

After realising, it’s important to be free from narcissistic people.

You need time and space from narcissism, toxic behaviours, to be able to see it clearly. Or else you get tangled in their drama and nonsense again, focusing on them not on yourself.

It’s overwhelming to process how you’ve been abused and how it’s affected you.

There’s a lot to go through.

The greatest fear, getting back out there again, is to run into another narcissist. But it complicated, because you’ve lost that trust in yourself.

It is possible to get it back, but it takes time.

So, I invite you, to consider just these two simple questions whenever you are considering if someone is a narcissist or not:

Is everything about them?

Do they show any sympathy, compassion or empathy?

This covers whether they are a covert or overt narcissist, if this is something you’ve been looking into. Covert narcissists are difficult to spot, but these questions apply to them as well.

It doesn’t take much experience of anyone to work out the answers to these questions.

Of course, sometimes people do make things about them and can appear to have no compassion, sympathy or empathy.

What I am talking about here, is if it’s a consistent pattern with them.

The other thing is, that these questions can be applied to people you already know.

Sadly, it’s normal to attract narcissists if narcissistic abuse is your normal from family, or some formative relationships. So, it’s not just narcissistic partners we attract its friends, colleagues, bosses, acquaintances, anyone.

There could be someone in your life, who you are asking about, which is usually the first red flag.

What do I do?

The best thing to do if you’ve asked these questions is to slowly distance yourself.

If you don’t feel ready, you’re not ready, and there’s no rush.

Should you need some extra help with dealing with a narcissist who you can’t get away from, here is an excellent resource:

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

medium chill/ grey rock technique

In fact, I invite you to consider some of the standard responses given in this resource, for anyone who is challenging in the future.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on December 6, 2022.