How to Emotionally Detach from a Narcissist

4 min readApr 14, 2023

It is not easy, to detangle yourself emotionally from a narcissist.

You’ve got a lot of emotional strings they’ve pulled over the years, strings of promise, and of hope.

It’s a grieving process

Although they may still be alive, there is a grieving process once you’ve realised that they have narcissistic personality disorder.

For many years, the relationship has confused you, frustrated you, made you sad and given you pain.

But there were times when everything was ok, good even.

These times were the things that kept you going through the more difficult times, the potential that they had and the relationship had.

With time these good times get fewer and fewer, or longer time between them. And the rough times increase and last longer.

You hold onto that hope, it keeps you going, keeps you trying.

But then, one day, you’ve had enough.

Something happens that you cannot forget, something that you cannot sweep under the carpet like all the other times.

The biggest struggle is letting go emotionally.

This might be whilst you are still in contact, or a part of the no contact process.

The grief is the loss of the hope that they can be the person that you want or need them to be. And the loss of the relationship that you hoped it would be.

Most of the time, if you’re honest, the relationship was crappy.

There were a lot of challenging times, huge rows, disagreements and the silent treatment. They seemed to go on forever. And you never knew what it was all about, so you couldn’t fix it or make sure you never did it again.

You hung on in there, hoping it would all work out ok.

The saddest times for you, were when they behaved in a way that made you feel unloved, uncared for, unsupported.

When they were not what you hoped they were or wanted them to be.

That sadness stays with you, it hangs onto you. When things are not resolved in a way that make you feel heard and valued, it goes deep. And a part of it never goes away.

The frustrating times when you thought that they cared, but they seemed to want to hurt you, cause you pain.

When you saw their potential, or the relationships potential, and they threw it all away.

It felt deliberate, like sabotage, and somehow it felt like all your fault.

Somehow you manage to be solely responsible for the issue, but never able to take responsibility and fix things.

The confusing times, when they acted a completely different way than you expected.

When they act like they don’t care, but a part of you feels that they do.

Or when things take unexpected bad turn, a huge row, when all you wanted to do was express your love.

To emotionally detach you have to acknowledge the difference between their words and their actions.

That’s not easy, especially when cognitive dissonance gets in the way, a belief you hold contradicts the behaviours you experience.

So, you believe that they love and care for you because they told you they did.

But -here’s the surprise- not many, if any, of their actions back up their words.

It hurts. Bad.

And that’s what keeps you from emotionally detaching from them.

The pain gets in the way, it feels like it’s too much to overcome, impossible to overcome.

It’s easier to continue with the relationship, with all the pain it gives you, than detach from them.

The pain the relationship gives you, is somehow easier to cope with. It’s not so fierce, more like a series of small injuries. The pain fades with a little time, but the scars remain.

But to realise the truth about them, to see them for what they are, feels life-threatening.

They’ve also made you feel like this, that you need them to survive.

Everything that you thought you knew, gets turned on its head.

It’s a process, that you have to be prepared for.

To help you, if you are ready, start to look at their behaviours. It feels ugly, looking at all the difficult times you’ve had.

When you needed someone to help you through a difficult time, but they made it all about them, or caused drama.

When you were celebrating, but they pouted and contrived an argument because of their jealousy.

All the times when you needed their love and support and didn’t get it.

If you feel sad, have a good cry.

If you feel angry, get it out of your body and write it all out.

Whatever you feel as you go through this, needs to be processed and healed.

This is the grieving process, as you come to terms with the truth about them.

None of it was your fault.

Although I’m sure that they made you feel that way. They did that to avoid responsibility for the drama and chaos that they create. And the consequences that they have to face.

Don’t expect to be able to emotionally detach quickly. It is a process.

It takes time. Make sure to be kind and patient with yourself.

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